Triggering (Abuse): What would you change?

[Ella.x]

I'm not really sure if this is the right place, but my counsellor who I'm seeing for depression and self harm has been asking me about my past (when I was sexually abused by my older brother) which I am finding difficult to talk about. She has asked me to write think about my past and write down one thing that I would change and how my life would be different now if I could change it.
I don't know whether I would change what my brother did to me or not. My life seems to be full of things that I would change given the oppurtunity. I just wanted to know if you guys would change being raped/abused or not and why?
Any replies would be welcome, thanks x

[Magical Forest.]

I would like to be strong as say "no, I wouldn't change being raped as it's going to make me stronger by overcoming this", but truthfully, I wish it never happened at all.
I would definately change it if I could, because then i'd have no flashbacks, no nightmares, no terror, no complete desperation. I might have completed my stay in hospital and be perfectly happy right now.

[lostandalone]

Ella, that is a good question but hard to answer. I will try...

Ignoreing the violence of the rape for the moment...I'd say because of the therapy and psych sessions, I have matured quickly, understand myself better than other girls my age. I guess it also made me stronger and things that upset other 13yr old girls really doesn't bother me.

However, violence of the rape can't be forgotten. The memories of what those two guy did and force me to do will always be with me...all I can do is to minimise the affect and live my live the best I can. Like Hannah said " i'd have no flashbacks, no nightmares, no terror" I aggree..overall I could do without that. I feel it has robbed me some or most of my childhood.

So, I guess my answer is: If I had a chance to change being raped, I would...the negative parts outweigh the positive parts.

[Total Light Storm]

Hey Ella,

Although the abuse I went through when I was younger was horrifying and still haunts me to this day (some things trigger the thoughts of it) I honestly, now that i've thought about this for sometime, wouldn't change it all. It might sound odd or weird for me to say this, but to me, each struggle I've faced in life has made me who I am. I'd never want to change that, I'm who I am because of what i've gone through, without the events of my past, who knows what kind of person I would have been today? I'll take the things I hate about myself and the things I like about myself and keep them all because without the hard times, I wouldn't look at things the way i look at them and I wouldn't be as aware of things around me as I am.
I hope this helps you and if you ever need anything, you can PM me.

[ForeverAutumn*]

If I never had another flashback again, or if I didn't start shaking around certain guys in my life, that would just be an amazing feeling. To feel safe ALL the time, you know? The abuse from my childhood has definitely been a factor in many things in my life, especially in the last two or three years.

However, if I hadn't been abused, I would have never discovered this site, and I wouldn't have met my closest friend, as well as many other amazing people I've met here. I also wouldn't have the perspective I do now. So as much as I hate the flashbacks and having trouble sleeping at night, I personally wouldn't change what happened when I was younger. It's a part of who I am and I've (nearly) come to terms with that.

And, I think it's great you're seeing a counselor - it takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to talk about what's happened in the past. So be proud of yourself. Take care. x

[Casey.]

Hey Ella,

That's a really hard question. I wish I could say no, because ultimately what happened to me has made me stronger, but I can't. If I could change what happened, I would, without hesitating. It may had made me stronger, but the nightmares, flashbacks, and general freaking out around guys, it's not worth it.

It is good to hear that you are talking to a counselor though, that takes a lot of strength.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I agree with the others; that is a very hard question.The abuse that I suffered through effected my life so immensely for so long. It was part of the reason I wanted to kill myself, it was a big part of the reason I didn't ever feel good enough, it was part of the reason I felt ugly and the list goes on.

However, if the abuse never occurred I wouldn't be the person I am today. The abuse made me more compassionate, understanding, caring and overall a good person. The abuse gave me a lot of good things. Without the abuse I really do not think I would be where I am today.

I would have probably never gone into the hospitals, I probably would have never developed an ED and I probably wouldn't have started Self Harming. All these negatives would seem more like reasons to take back the abuse but all these things make me who I am. They help me better understand myself and others. Most importantly, these coping skills and the abuse made me a fighter. I have never once truly given up on myself. The times I tried to kill myself were double sided. I figured that if I died that it was meant to be but if I didn't then it wasn't meant to be and I would get help. Never once did I ever quit fighting for my life, completely. And, I feel that the abuse I suffered is the reason for that will to survive.

The one thing I think I would change though is how long it took me to really remember what happened. The reason for this is because deep down I have always known that something happened but I never knew what. I knew I had been molested but I could not remember it or anything. If I would have figured this out sooner rather than later I might have gotten better sooner. I might not have had this last episode I did any ended up in an ED center.

But, in the end I would not change it because it has made me who I am today and as painful and scary as the experience was it has made me a better person.

Jenna

[lauren_160]

I pretty much agree with everyone else lol, if i could i would without hesitating, but from going through it it has made me stronger and also given me the courage to help others Pm me if you want to talk about anything

[Pardon ♥]

I have to agree with everyone else. It's hard, and like they said it made us a stronger person in the end, but honestly i wish it would have never taken place.

[liketheangel]

i agree with everyone else. i wish it hadnt happened.. but i do see that it has pretty much molded alot of my personality because of it.. and not all in bad ways

[Suicidal16]

I Also Agree With Everyone Else. I Would Not Be The Person I Am Today If I Had Not Been Abused. xx

[a_girlsdreams]

I too agree its a hard question. A part of me has finally started to accept it and realize what a different person I have become. But if I could change it, I think I would. I cant stand the nightmares, or the feelings I get when I think about it.

[Andie]

I pretty much agree, this is a really hard question. But I think I can honestly say "no".
I feel like now aside from being a much stronger person, I am also more relatable, understanding, and empathetic. I find it a traumatic, but overall beneficial experience.
I wish I didn't have to have flashbacks, but other than that...I think I'm better off now.
Sick in some ways, but that's how I feel.
PM me if you need anything.
-Andie

[a_soldier_of_orange]

Hi Ella..

I don't really know how to answer this. Do I wish it never happened? Yes. Of course.
But I feel like I've become more aware, more empathetic - and I feel like I've learned how to genuinely forgive.

The person that molested me ended up committing suicide about two months ago, and at first I was a complete wreck - I thought that I was partially to blame for it. I went to the funeral, and I realized that even though he did awful, awful things - that he was sad and lonely and lost too, and I finally, for the first time in almost 5 years, was able to forgive him and feel some sort of peace.

I feel stronger now that it's happened. If I could go back and change something, I would've told my parents or someone what happened much, much sooner. Not two years later. I would've done something about it, and definitely wouldn't have been as passive and helpless as I was. I don't know how many kids he hurt, and I wish that I had done something about it - just to make sure that I was the last...of course, I didn't..