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I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 01:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I guess you could say I come from a rather chaotic household. My parents have a tendency to get nasty, both physically and verbally. They call it "discipline," and I used to accept that when I was younger. Now, however, I'm starting to think that the things they have done/do to me are abusive.

When I was younger, my parents often "physically disciplined" me by:
  • Spitting on me
  • Not allowing me to eat for about a day, if they were particularly upset
  • Grabbing and dragging me across the floor by my hair
  • Hitting and kicking me
  • Scratching me, often causing me to bleed
  • Biting me, to the point that I would have teeth marks embedded in my flesh
  • Shoving me into things
Now that I'm older, these things don't happen as often, but they still do occasionally. Mostly, I get verbally bashed now. They tell me I'm worthless, mental, and a bad person. They berate me for doing horribly in school (I get A's and B's) and accuse me of horrible things such as abusing my animals (which really hurts, because I love my pets so much). They tell me I'll never amount to anything. They tell me I'm nothing but a nuisance. Maybe this sounds silly, but I'm absolutely terrified that the things they say about me are true. I'm so afraid that I really am a bad person... I don't ever want to hurt anybody or anything.

I'm a big believer in giving people a chance to change. I've told them on multiple occasions that what they do really hurts, but they practically laugh in my face. They tell me it's all in my head and that I just need to get over it. Are they right? Am I just a self-pitying jerk?

I've self-harmed in the past to cope with the negative feelings this kind of treatment evokes, but I've been working with a therapist and I've been self-harm free for almost five months now. I still get the urge sometimes, usually after experiencing some sort of "discipline" from my parents, but I'm getting better at looking for alternatives. Still, sometimes it's really hard. They make me feel like I deserve to be hurt... I'm not even sure if that makes any sense. I've also been suicidal before. I've never actually attempted, but I've gone as far as making plans and writing notes. I have not been suicidal lately, though.

I'm absolutely petrified of my dad. He goes on these "emotional rampages." Anything can set him off. When he's upset, he'll yell and scream at anyone in his path. He'll slam doors/drawers and sometimes break things. I'm so afraid of upsetting him, and when get gets in this mood, I'm terrified he's going to hurt me or someone else. Especially my mom. They are always arguing, and my mom says the only reason they're still together is because she couldn't support my sister (who's 13) and me on her own.

One more thing that I wanted to ask about... I was physically and verbally bullied by a boy in my neighborhood when I was 8 (he was 13 at the time). He did the typical things bullies do... punch me, kick me, push me. He would also call me fat and dumb and whatnot. But I also remember him doing things like showing me porn and talking about my body in ways that made me feel very uncomfortable. Dirty, even. Could this qualify as sexual abuse, even though he never actually tried anything? I don't know... All I know is that I've had severe body image issues for years and I'm afraid of this boy. I don't trust him at all because of what he did. My parents don't know about it. Nobody does, because I was too afraid to speak up. Still, it's been 8 years. Should I be over it by now?

I'm sorry for this incredibly long post. I've never told anyone about this before and I really needed to get it out. Am I crazy? Is it truly all in my head? I mean, I was never molested. My parents aren't drug users or even alcoholics. I don't know... Should I tell someone? My therapist? My guidance counselor at school (I told him about my SH before I even told my therapist, so he may be a good person to start with?)? I'm so confused. I don't know what to think anymore... Is it wrong to be resenting my parents in this way? I guess I just feel like I can't 100% resolve my self-harming problem until I come to terms with all this.

People say that parents discipline their children because they love them. Is this true? Is this love? I just don't know.

Last edited by Emily.; April 24th 2010 at 05:51 AM. Reason: changing pre-fix to fit guidelines
   
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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 04:45 AM

That isn't discipline, that is very bad abuse. If I were you I would have contacted CPS a long time ago about this.

Also what that bully did constitutes sexual harassment and assault. Considering the seriousness of his actions it is entirely normal to still be troubled by it.
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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 11:45 AM

Thank you for your reply, FlyingTrue. When I was younger, I had a habit of accepting everything my parents did and said as justified without even giving it a second thought. I just figured, "Hey, they're my parents. What they're doing must be okay and I must deserve this." Actually, I remember being genuinely shocked once when I had a friend say that her parents had never hit her in her life (we'd gotten talking about abuse in general; not mine in particular). I honestly thought for a very long time that hitting was an acceptable form of discipline that all parents engaged in. Silly, I know.

I am just so afraid to tell someone about this. I know my parents will be upset if I even hint at the idea that they abused me. They tell me I'm ungrateful as is -- that I don't appreciate the things they do for me. And what's more, I'm afraid no one will believe me. My parents are very good at putting on a show. All my friends like my parents. My teachers like my parents. How could they ever believe that such "kind people" hurt me so badly?

Both my parents were also abused as children. Can I blame them for treating me this way when they had no good examples set for them at a young age? Should I be feeling pity for them instead of resentment?

Last edited by DeletedAccount31; April 24th 2010 at 12:04 PM.
   
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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 01:23 PM

Can I just say, you're definately not crazy, and no, it's not all in your head! Because I can totally relate to everything you have just wrote! And I can feel exactly what you're feeling. Scared, depressed, maybe angry? Wondering if it's your fault? But honestly, none of this is down to you. Don't ever think it is! You were born into a family that doesn't always aprreciate you, and that's seriously not in your head. You see, my family and that experience with the boy, is exactly the same!

My Dad, well you've just said it all - took the words right out of my mouth even. My Mum is too afraid to say anything back to him out of fear of being battered herself, and the fact she couldn't cope with him finacially! He drinks too so thats not great. I can understand you being petrified of your dad! He sounds so similar to mine! Even if they were abused as children, that gives them no right to treat you this way! Like you, when I was beaten, I thought it was because I was naughty etc but now, I'm 17, and I understand it wasn't right.

You talked about feeling suicidal - I'm so glad you were strong enough not to actually attempt it I did. And it's the worst feeling in the world when you have failed. Beleive me. I'm on anti - depressants now, and it's all such a battle everday. But you've proved you are a strong person, and that you can do this. You've gone 5months without self harming, and that is a mega acheivement in itself! Congratualtions, and I'm so proud of you.

With regards to that boy, well it's classed as sexual harrassment, and if you feel scared of him, personally I would tell someone. A friend? Teacher? I told a trusted teacher straight away, and she helped me. i spoke to the police, and now he can't come anywhere near me.

Things won't always seem as bad as they do now, honestly. One day you'll be free and away from all this. Talk to your therapist. Be honest, and just repeat what you have written here. The only way to move forward is to deal with something, and then move on. You can't feel bad for what your parents are doing ot you, or how your life is going because this isn't your fault. No you shouldn't be feeling pitty for them. Why? They hurt you, and you feel like your the one who should feel sorry fot it???

Quote:
My teachers like my parents. How could they ever believe that such "kind people" hurt me so badly?
I used to think the same, but to be honest, abusive parents are good liars! You really need to speak up, before it gets worse, before you start to feel worse!

I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need anything, just PM me

Laura xx


SH Free since:
22/12/09

Last edited by Tiny_93; April 24th 2010 at 01:29 PM.
   
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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 01:54 PM

Laura, thank you. Your post helped me so much. I'm sorry you have also gone through so much pain in your life. I'm glad you didn't succeed at your suicide attempt and that you're here now. Keep on fighting.

Yes, what you wrote explains what I'm feeling right now. It's nice to know that someone understands and has felt similarly. I was really afraid I was imagining it. I will tell someone. You're right, I need to deal with this and move on. Someday I will be free to go my own way and I won't ever have to look back. In some ways I'd still feel guilty doing that, though... after they financially supported me for all these years. You know? I guess I just so want to find some redeemable quality in them. I want to believe that they can be good, loving parents. I don't completely want to give up on them, but at the same time, I feel like I've given them so many chances and they keep on disappointing me.

Do you think it's time that I just let go?
   
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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 02:37 PM

Think of it this way, yes they have supported you, and brought you up, but they're making you unhappy too. Should you feel guilty for that? The answer is no. You don't have to give up on them, you just need to think about what is right for you. Moving on, doesn't mean giving up. How long do you think you can keep this battle up for?

I still live at home with my Mum and Dad, and it's hell! I can't even begin to tell you how I stay up each night, crying because of them, and how I want to SH! Not that I will or anything but that's how my parents make me feel. Think, would you seriously be suicdal, and even think about SH if they were the complete opposite? Loving parents?! I doubt it.

I'm not saying give up, I'm no proffessional, so I can't tell you what to do, I can only advise you. And my advice.... Talk to someone. Instead of staying out of your dads way, so you said, get some help. Because that's what you need. You can't go on living in fear. Doctors, teachers, social workers.. All of them can help you and your family


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Re: I don't know what to think anymore... - April 24th 2010, 10:56 PM

Thanks, Laura. Both of your posts have been extremely helpful. I'll take your advice and tell someone. You're right, I can't keep this battle going on forever. I'm only hurting myself in the process. I need to take into consideration what's best for me. I'll talk to my therapist and see where it goes from there.

I hope you don't mind, but I sent you a friend request. I really hope things get better for you. I truly do. Thanks so much for your help.
   
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