Triggering (Substances): write it down and read it, so i know its real

[Jessica__111]

all them years ago i said to myself, time will fix this and so much times gone past and i feel the same.
so im not the type of person who can admit something to myself, if i dont want to belive it i just try not to but my head feels full, like i cant process another thought.
My mums skitzaphrenic, growing up for me was different to all my freinds, i always felt embarresed. But as years went on i really began to resent my mum, for never trying to quit the drugs for dragging us around with all her stupid junkie boyfriends. i hate her. anyways thats different.

when i was 13 i started drugs, just to be cool. (cause my mum did)
i really dont want to write this, i dont want to have to read it.

i snuck out and went to a party, my freind and i left to meet up with her bf and his freind, she'd only known this guy through txting and they'd only met once, so we left and met up with them and went to her bfs freinds house. i dont remember much only little bits, like segments in my mind,
i walked in and thought instantly oh no shit shit shit, his house was so dirty i wanted to leave straight away, she went into the room with her bf and then after a while he called me in, when i went in holly wasnt in ther. he raped me, i could feel sand rubbing inbetween our bodies as he whispered "shh baby its ok to love it" he was black.
it felt like everything i thought i knew was wrong. i thought it was over, i went into the living room and his freind said i know what he did, i broke down into tears begging him to tell me wher my freind was, he said she was outside and would take me to her,
she wasnt outside, i told him i would scream so loud everyone in the suburb would hear me, but it didnt stop him its not happeneing again i thought to myself
i woke up really suddenly with no clothes on, i put on all my clothes and ran, luckily my sisters boyfreind lived just down the road, i didnt tell him everything but what i did say he never told my sister,
it felt like a dream, from what i do remember i watched like a movie in my head,
so much time has passed and it feels like it was last night

it hurt so much i knew if i went to a doctor he would know, my vagina was in peices it didnt look like a young girls should, so i waited a few months and then asked mum to take me to the doctor, i asked the doctor for a pap smear and told him i'd been having sex, i left my life behind that day,
a week later i got a letter, i took my mums medicare card and went by myself, he told me i wouldnt have kids and that i had HSV,
well unfortunately staright after that i experienced my first outbreak and of course my mum found out, i could hardly walk, it was agony
she labeled me a complete a slut, saying i was to young to have an STD, she was certain i had been sleeping around

I want children so bad, i want this life i know i'll never have

im a drug addict, i dont want to be but im stuck in my life. I miss my mum, my dad my sister but i know i'll never see them ever again, ever. My mum will never know what went wrong and i'll never tell

i ran away from home last year leaving everyone in the world behind, i moved to the other side of the country and im still here,
i live a diffferent life in my mind to what i do on the outside, i need help and i dont know who to tell who to turn to, when i have no one and nothing

[JackOffJill]

Jessica__111,

I am very sorry for what you had to suffer through. I cant imagine how hard it was for you to find out from the dr that you wont be able to have kids and that you have HSV. But please remember that there are other ways to have children. They may not be biologically yours, but there are plenty of children all over the world who need to be adopted. You could adopt a child to raise and take care of. There are ways around that. I know that it hurts that it wont be a biological child, but at least that dream is not totally lost. Im sorry that your mom reacted the way she did- that must have made everything even more difficult for you at the time.
i understand that you ran away, but why does that mean that you will never see your family again? just because you ran away, does not mean that you can never go back. they are your family, they love you, and im sure that they want to see you as bad as you want to see them.
Are you seeing a therapist or anything? I think that you should try to talk to someone about everything because that might help. and once you begin working on some of the emotional things, then you wont need to use drugs to deal with the pain anymore. please, you deserve to have the life that you want. yes, you are going to have to adjust some things, but you can still have them.

[Jessica__111]

Originally Posted by JackOffJill

Jessica__111,

I am very sorry for what you had to suffer through. I cant imagine how hard it was for you to find out from the dr that you wont be able to have kids and that you have HSV. But please remember that there are other ways to have children. They may not be biologically yours, but there are plenty of children all over the world who need to be adopted. You could adopt a child to raise and take care of. There are ways around that. I know that it hurts that it wont be a biological child, but at least that dream is not totally lost. Im sorry that your mom reacted the way she did- that must have made everything even more difficult for you at the time.
i understand that you ran away, but why does that mean that you will never see your family again? just because you ran away, does not mean that you can never go back. they are your family, they love you, and im sure that they want to see you as bad as you want to see them.
Are you seeing a therapist or anything? I think that you should try to talk to someone about everything because that might help. and once you begin working on some of the emotional things, then you wont need to use drugs to deal with the pain anymore. please, you deserve to have the life that you want. yes, you are going to have to adjust some things, but you can still have them.

you just put me in absolute tears

ive never known my dad and my mum well shes mental and a junkie, shes crazy and im not just saying that i mean genuenly crazy, you couldnt understand what i mean its difficult to describe, shes very violent, i have a restraining order on her and a few weeks ago she flew over here and smashed in the windows of my house, the poilce said i need to have absolutely nothing to do with her,
family? drug addicts, child molestorers, abusers, violent. ive never met not one aunty not one uncle and my mum is one of eight children, but they dont even know i exist, so no family, not one person in the whole world,
its like nobody gets it! there is NOBODY, its just me completely by myself, im alone

[JackOffJill]

i cant imagine how hard that must be for you to be alone without family like that. do you live near any close friends? do you have anyone in your life who is like family to you (like really close friends, bf or gf)?
again, like i said, you really should talk to someone especially about the issues surrounding your family. it must be hard for you to not be able to be around your mom because she is schizophrenic and gets violent. talking to someone about that can help you sort through your feelings about your family.

[Jessica__111]

Originally Posted by JackOffJill

i cant imagine how hard that must be for you to be alone without family like that. do you live near any close friends? do you have anyone in your life who is like family to you (like really close friends, bf or gf)?
again, like i said, you really should talk to someone especially about the issues surrounding your family. it must be hard for you to not be able to be around your mom because she is schizophrenic and gets violent. talking to someone about that can help you sort through your feelings about your family.

i have no friends in the same state as me, everyones so far away from me, i have a boyfreind but we have so many problems in our relationship if i talked to him he would judge me and tell me i was turning into my crazy mother

[Jessica__111]

i want to walk onto the street and scream to everyone that i do exist

[Megan1]

Where are you living? I mean, does your family know where you are? Or are you hiding from them? And if so, are they looking for you? Sorry for all of the questions, but I'm trying to understand the situation.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I really wish I knew what more to say, other than I am here if you ever need to talk (whether it be about what happened, what you are going through now, or even if you just need to talk to someone and you don't even know why). I mean it, PLEASE send me a message when you need someone. I can't imagine having no one but a boyfriend who you can't even talk about your problems with. You exist to us, you exist here, okay? And I would love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I know it's not the same as having people there with you, but you DO have people who care.

Oh yeah, and about not being able to have kids of your own- I can not imagine how hard that must be for you if you were planning on being a mom some day. I'm sure you saw this advice coming and it may not make you feel better, but there is always adoption. When a mom doesn't want their baby and nobody else ends up wanting them,they go into foster care- which usually leads to them having extremely complicated lives and no one who truly loves them. You could adopt one of those babies (obviously not right now, but in the future when things are better for you) and save a child from possibly going through a lot of the things that you went through.

[Jessica__111]

Originally Posted by Megan1

Where are you living? I mean, does your family know where you are? Or are you hiding from them? And if so, are they looking for you? Sorry for all of the questions, but I'm trying to understand the situation.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I really wish I knew what more to say, other than I am here if you ever need to talk (whether it be about what happened, what you are going through now, or even if you just need to talk to someone and you don't even know why). I mean it, PLEASE send me a message when you need someone. I can't imagine having no one but a boyfriend who you can't even talk about your problems with. You exist to us, you exist here, okay? And I would love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I know it's not the same as having people there with you, but you DO have people who care.

Oh yeah, and about not being able to have kids of your own- I can not imagine how hard that must be for you if you were planning on being a mom some day. I'm sure you saw this advice coming and it may not make you feel better, but there is always adoption. When a mom doesn't want their baby and nobody else ends up wanting them,they go into foster care- which usually leads to them having extremely complicated lives and no one who truly loves them. You could adopt one of those babies (obviously not right now, but in the future when things are better for you) and save a child from possibly going through a lot of the things that you went through.

Well i was living in a sharehouse for a while, but me and my boyfreind just got our own place together so i guess everythings looking up a bit,
Well my mum knows im missing because i ran away from home last year and she reported me missing to the police it was all a big drama but because im over 16 the police couldnt do anything, she came here a few weeks ago when me and my boyfreind had just moved into our house and smashed all our windows, thats when i got the restraining order, but this is not about my boyfrind.
My mum grew up In South Australia in a country town, shes one of nine childen and even has a twin, she went through an extreme amount of sexual abuse from her dad, she ran away from home when she was 17 with my dad and had me and jess, shes never had contact with her family since, so i dont know my family and neither does my mum because she hasnt spoken to them for all those years, so she just sits there in her resentment everyday because thats the person she is.

I couldnt talk to my boyfreind because i have an STD and if he knew, he would leave me and i wouldnt have anywhere to live. At the moment hes all ive got and i cant confide in him

yes adoption is something a few people have suggested to me. i would love to adopt a child though i would first need to already have a husband and a house and a perfect life, so my child would but i dont think i'll ever have that. if you read my other posts in mental health and substance use, i dont know if i'll ever have a stable enough mind to have a child

Thankyou so much for all your help, you couldnt possibly understand how comforting it is, really its weight off my shoulders if i can talk and someone will listen

[Megan1]

Hold on, I'm sending you a message.