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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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OkamiLove Offline
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Question Need some advice/help? - July 4th 2010, 11:40 PM

So im moving in with my boyfriend/fiance in about a week. We've never had sex and I was raped back in March so the thought is not comforting at all. Chris (bf) has told me that we wont do anything that I'm not comfortable doing but I hate being that messed up. I wanna be able to give my whole self to him but the fact of the matter is I feel dirty,unclean and like no one should want me though he'll argue that. When I was raped I was a virgin so the MOST important thing to me was taken away and I cant get over the fact that I cant give that to the person I love more than anyone. I'm not sure how to handle it. I wanna be everything to him in all ways physical and emotional. He doesnt expect it but I expect it of myself. My biggest fear is that I'll have a flashback in the middle of us doing something and not be able to carry through. That would kill me and it would upset him not cuz hed be angry but because he would blame himself for hurting me. I guess my main question is; is sex worth the possible consequences? I want to do it with him but I'm still scared. I'm scared its going to hurt me physically and emotionally. I'm just getting to where i can go to sleep MOST nights without having nightmares and flashbacks. Please I just need the advice. I'm sorry this is so long.


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Re: Need some advice/help? - July 5th 2010, 05:13 AM

Hey Evelyn.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to just give it some time. See how you feel being around your boyfriend all the time now that you will be living together and let the relationship progress. Just because you're moving in together does not mean you have to start having sex. Talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling and take things slow. As you heal and the relationship builds, hopefully sex will become something you want and enjoy.

I also think therapy would be a good idea. Sometimes we need help working through hard times. It's good to ask for help. You deserve that support and a counselor can help you work through some of the negative side effects like the bad dreams and helping you feel more comfortable with sex. Because you are in no way dirty, or unclean, or any less of an amazing person. What happened to you was not your fault. When you choose to have sex, that will be the first time you willingly give yourself to someone and that's what counts. That first choice is still something you can give.

I hope you're doing okay right now. You can PM me anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself.
<3 Emily


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but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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Re: Need some advice/help? - July 5th 2010, 02:29 PM

hello. while i cant begin to imagine how awful being raped is, i think that therapy might be a good idea to help you overcome your ordeal. i understand that having sex with your boyfriend because of what happened is a very daunting prospect, but if it's something you want to do, do it. because if you dont, in effect, your letting the person who raped you rob you of positive sexual experiences. you dnt have to have sex with your boyfriend until you're ready, so maybe try foreplay to build up your trust for him
   
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Re: Need some advice/help? - July 5th 2010, 11:20 PM

I know exactly how you feel. My virginity was taken in the same way. The feeling of being just dirty and not being able to do anything about it. It's definitely not easy learning to trust again, but your boyfriend/fiancé seems very supportive and caring. It won't be an easy road living with what happened and recovering from it, but over time it will get better. I was raped when I was 16. I still get some flashbacks every now and again, but they've gotten less and less over the years. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me and I will gladly do anything I can to help. Even if it's just venting.
   
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