I can't call it what it is

[workingonit]

I can't say the word.
Isn't is crazy? It's in my dreams, it's constantly there, it haunts me... but it's like if I say the word it makes it more real.
I don't feel I can call it that anyway - it's my own fault for going to his house, having a drink.... other people suffer from attackers that jump out on them - they need the support don't they? I walked into my attackers house...

Even though I have made some steps to getting help and medical checks - I am a mess - I can't sleep/eat/think straight/have normal friendships and relationships - so I know I'm certainly not ok, but if I call it that horrible word I feel like I am causing more drama for myself?

Or maybe I am still in denial?

I said no over and over, I made it so clear - he didn't listen. I did not want sex, I pushed him away, I asked him not to. I know what that makes it, I just don't want to have to say it / think it / acknowledge it. I don't want to be a victim. I want my virginity back - he stole it. He ruined me.

I have a phone number to call tomorrow to get a counsellor sorted - but if they ask why I am going to have to say that ugly word.

Why is it I can't say that word!?

[teen spirit]

You are so strong and brave to post what happened. That is a huge step forward! Take a long deep breath.
Once you decide to say the word.....you bring "awareness" to it. You can only begin your healing process once you bring awareness to it-that is the first step.
Just because you went to his house...doesn't mean you are at any fault what-so-ever! No means No! and that is it! No one has any right to do anything that you have said no to...it doesn't matter what the situation is...that is a violation and it is against the law!
You can't say the word (I believe) because you are scared. You are afraid of what may or may not happen once you say it out loud. And that includes...acceptance. Accepting that it happened. Accepting that it happened doesn't mean that you allowed it to happen or you were in the blame at all.
I know you wish that you could turn the clock back and it never happened...I know, because I have been there...but once you say the word out loud and speak to the counsellor tomorrow about what happened...it begins your healing and beginning to move forward...one step at a time.
You cannot get to the next step without saying what happened. Maybe try saying it differently...sexually violated...however you choose...you have to acknowledge something to move forward...to gain your power back because right now, "he" has your power and he doesn't deserve it!
The only drama that will come out is the attention that you are putting on it by not saying it...I believe you need to say it to get passed this...and in my opinion...you are only a victim if you allow yourself to be one...and being a "victor" instead of a "victim" sounds like it is more likely the one that suits you best!
Take advantage of the time with a counselor tomorrow...it will make a world of difference to get it all out...release it and begin getting your life back...

Find your inner power...I know its there and I believe in you to talk to someone tomorrow because this is not something that you can or should handle on your own...they will help you

[luvflamingos]

Cantina is absolutely right! It is not your fault. No means no! Counseling is a great start. I just want to add this though. If for any reason the counselor is not a match for you, please don't give up. I went through two before I found one who understands me. They are not all the same. You have to be completely comfortable with them in order to open up fully and start the healing process. I wish you all the best!

[laughter]

I can't say the word either. and I get very uncomfortable when other people say it.
If you said no you can call it that. I know you don;t want to be a victem but you are. That number you have is probably the best thing for you right now. It'll help you get through any denial that might be there and maybe you'll find the courage to be be able to face. Maybe you'll be able to say the word. I still can't say the word after almost 2 years.