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What do I say to her? - October 4th 2010, 03:08 AM

A few years ago I was in a really bad relationship in which I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused. I finally got out of the relationship but have been dealing with the consequences of it since then. Starting college last year really helped and got me away from the familiar places and such. Lately though, my roommate and her boyfriend, who is constantly here or on the phone or skype with her, have been having fights and the sort. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but some of the things I've heard her say/do to him have brought back a lot of bad memories and have been making it harder to control my SH. Just today I had to leave the room because she was telling him how he couldn't do this and couldn't do that cause she said so, hit him when he didn't answer her and refused to take him back to his school early. I need to talk to her cause the relationship is really starting to get to me but how do I tell her that her relationship reminds me of my abusive one, that listening to and watching them makes me want to SH and that she needs to stop? I also don't feel entirely comfortable telling her why it bothers me because only one person here knows even a little bit about it and I really trust her. I don't trust my roommate that way so I feel kind of stuck.
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Re: What do I say to her? - October 4th 2010, 03:28 AM

Hey, I'm hannah. First of all I'm very happy that you got out of that relationship. No one deserves that.
Is she hitting her boyfriend? If she is, that is an abusive relationship. Talking to her about the fact that you are uncomfortable with them fighting and treating each other that way would be a good decision. But if they are truly treating each other poorly then maybe they need help as a couple. If you decide you want to talk to her you don't necessarily have to tell her about your past. you just have to let her know that you are scared for there relationship and offer the idea that they get couples counseling or something like that. maybe you could talk to the boyfriend instead. If you can't get through to them or decide you can't talk to them then maybe you should try to get a new roommate?


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Re: What do I say to her? - October 4th 2010, 03:53 AM

it was like an angry slap...so not really hitting. They pretty much just fight about dumb stuff like his playing an online game that she doesn't approve of, her not wanting him to be in certain clubs because she doesn't like the girls in it. It all seems like petty stuff but it just brings back those memories. I just don't want to be the nosy roommate. I feel like its not really my place to tell her theres a problem with her relationship but I can't just keep letting it go because its starting to affect me.
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Re: What do I say to her? - October 6th 2010, 01:48 AM

Are you guys close enough that she would respect that you can't handle the fighting?


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Re: What do I say to her? - October 6th 2010, 02:24 AM

I feel like she would "understand" but shes very much the stereotypical "only child" where she will say she understands but in actuality won't really care. Or she may get mad that I'm interfering in her relationship. I've lived with her for a year already but still can't read her totally
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Re: What do I say to her? - October 6th 2010, 03:31 AM

I think that if you just sit down with her and tell her something like "Hey, so I know it isn't my business what you do in your relationship or how you handle conflict, but all the argueing and fighting has really started to affect me. Some of the things that happen with you two really hits a spot in the past with me. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but if you could just not argue around me that would be great. I'd really appreciate it." I think that is something that any decent person is going to respect.
If she doesn't respect that then I'd look into getting a new roomie.



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Re: What do I say to her? - October 6th 2010, 03:52 AM

I'm hoping to talk to her soon. Its just a really difficult topic to bring up I guess because her and her bf are so hot and cold. One minute its happy joking time and the next its fighting and crying.
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