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Stargazed. Offline
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first time admitting this... - November 1st 2010, 08:31 PM

In December of 2008, I started talking to this guy and he was really sweet and seemed to be my "perfect fit". We decided to make it official in February of 2009. The relationship was on and off, as I was having personal issues and wasn't up for a relationship, and, after the first month, he started putting me down and calling me names. I had enough to deal with. Why would I wanna deal with that, right?

In August of 2009, I ended up getting back together with him... for about the fourth time. He started talking to me sexually and I felt really awkward, but I played along. One day, he asked me if I'd be willing to have sex before marriage. (I'm a new Christian, who was sexually abused in the past, so I am totally against it, I honestly want nothing to do with sex). I told him that I was against it and I wasn't planning on having sex for a long time. He told me that he understood. Then preceeded to make plans for that day to hang out.

The next day after school, he came to my house and we went to my backyard like we always do. He asked me if he could have a drink. I unlocked the door and ran upstairs and I found him behind me. I felt a little weird because I didn't recall telling him to come up with me. He started kissing my neck and I told him to knock it off because if someone walked in they'd get the wrong impression. He didn't stop and he pushed me into my room and onto my bed. He kept kissing me with such force that I couldn't get up and not to be graphic or anything, but his tounge was legit half-way down my throat. I couldn't resist anymore. I just let him do whatever he wanted. Soon after, we were naked and I told him no plenty of times and he continually said, stop, you'll like it. Flashbacks started coming into my head from when I was raped at 10 years old.. and tears just started streaming down my face. He told me it's okay, not to be sad. I'm gonna be okay. He preceeded, and we had sex. Or, well, he raped me, I think?

This is very painful to talk about, because after that incident, I found out I was pregnant. He threatened my life and my baby's life. But I didn't really have to worry about that, because I had a miscarriage.

Last year, was the worst year of my life... I have NEVER told anyone the whole story, not even my psychologist. I'm too hurt by it... I just needed to let the story out to someone... Thanks to anyone who read it.
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Simplyme7 Offline
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Re: first time admitting this... - November 1st 2010, 09:13 PM

I am so sorry to hear that you went through this, but I am glad that you have finally been able to open up some and talk about it. I've never been through something like this, so I can only imagine what you must have gone through and are still going through.

However, I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

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Release9 Offline
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Re: first time admitting this... - November 2nd 2010, 02:37 AM

I am beyond sorry.
Because I have not went through anything of the sort, but have been physically and mentally abused by my parents, I can sort of understand how hard it is for you to open up and talk about it.
Hey...no one knows what happens in my house.
But always remember that we're here for you
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Stargazed. Offline
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Re: first time admitting this... - November 3rd 2010, 01:43 AM

So, he showed up at my Christian (he's an Atheist) youth group tonight that he KNOWS I go to... I haven't seen him in 8 months and tonight was so hard. I cried all the time... I kept having thoughts about cutting and crap in my head because flashbacks of what happened raced around like bullets. I'm back to square one... He'll never let go of his control over me...
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Dana Offline
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Re: first time admitting this... - November 3rd 2010, 02:19 PM

I think it might help you if you take back control of the situation. Go to the police and get a restraining/protective order against him so that he cannot come near you or contact you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and that he has the nerve to in essence, taunt him. Don't let him.
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Philomath Offline
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Re: first time admitting this... - November 4th 2010, 10:30 AM

I can tell you that I cannot relate to the feelings you are having, but I can say you should probably report him to the police. He shouldn't be going anywhere near you after doing all of that to you. I also think you should tell your psychologist about all of this, it won't be an easy thing to do but maybe he/she can help you deal with the flashbacks, thoughts of cutting and all of the emotions that he has caused you. Talking about things like this is an extremely hard thing to do, but it's worth it in the end, trust me, I had trouble discussing almost five years of physical, emotional and mental abuse, after you talk about it with someone that can help you, you might feel better and they will be able to help you.
You shouldn't have to see him and he shouldn't be going anywhere near you.
If you ever need anything, you can PM me and I'll be glad to help.
I know you can get through this. :H:
Take care and stay strong.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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