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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Evanescent Offline
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Chirstmas Time - December 24th 2010, 01:39 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So Christmas is 2 days away and I am strugglling, BAD. A lot of things trigger me this time of year because the guy that raped and molested me from the time I was a baby until right before I turned 13 used to dress up as Santa every year. Now I can't even see someone dressed up as Santa without going into flashbacks. I can't go to the mall this time of year, hell I can't even walk down my street without seeing something that sets me off. This happens EVERY freaking year. I don't know what to do, am I supposed to stay in my house until it passes? I hate myself for what he did to me, that doesn't even make any sense but it's true. Why should I hate myself when he is the one that did the wrong? Maybe if I weighed more or looked different he would have left me alone? Why did he have to ruin my life? What the hell did I ever do to deserve it? Anyways sorry, I just really needed to rant.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 24th 2010, 01:43 AM

I know how you feel. Sometimes certain things just spark certain memories. It's hard to do, but we all have to remember that we are only associating and that we are perfectly safe. No one can ruin our lives. What you need most right now is just a friend who can help you enjoy the holidays like they were meant to be enjoyed

Feel better and enjoy Christmas.


   
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 24th 2010, 02:26 AM

Hey, Nikki. I can see how this would be a really hard time of year for you, and I am so sorry to hear it. I can only imagine how you are feeling. In this time of joy, I wish I could give you the assurance that it will be fine and tomorrow is a new day, but those memories don't just fade on their own.

Often, facing our fears is the best way to handle the situation. It's the only way to overcome it sometimes. But that's terrifying and doesn't feel safe. One of the most important things for you to do is to stay safe. Taking baby steps could be the first thing you need to do. Does anyone know what you've gone through and how this time of year affects you? Perhaps you could go for a walk with them so they could keep you feeling safe and grounded when a flashback occurs.

Have you considered therapy? It's not for everyone, but it may help you. A professional can give you good coping tools for the situations that make you feel out of control or unsafe. In the meantime, I'm giving you this LINK to ways to deal with flashbacks from Associated Content. I don't know how much help it will be, but the article might give you some ideas. Please only read it if you are in a safe place and feel as though you could handle it.

If you ever need help or to chat, you can PM me. I'll be thinking of you and hoping your holiday season is filled with joy - let yourself enjoy it! That's very important. At least while you are home, safe and with family, just relax. Don't hide away, though. Live you life, Nikki. It's worth it, I promise!



i am not my scars and my history
i am, i am, i am who i am...i am who i am.
there are true things inside of me;
i have been afraid to see.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 24th 2010, 02:51 AM

Thank you, Katie. You are right the memories don't fade on their own, I have been in therapy since my parents found out when I was 14. I can't face some of the fears because I will dissociate and when I do that I have no clue what is going on in the real world because I all see is the flashback, it's like I am back to that time and place I honestly am not in the here and now when it happens. Usually when I come to I have cuts on me from harming myself. I never feel safe, ever, probably from all of types of abuse I went through, I am alway paranoid and...well everything. But anyway thank you for the link I am going to go through it.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 24th 2010, 04:48 AM

Nikki - I am pleased to help whenever I can. I get that the flashbacks are hard. I've had them and I wish I had a way to tell you to handle them. I'm glad you're in therapy/talking to someone about it. Have you brought up the flashbacks with that person? Perhaps they have ways to cope that you haven't thought of.

When I have a flashback, I make certain to focus on something around me. If I am at home and sitting in a chair, I focus on that chair, telling myself what it looks like, what it feels like, touching it, etc. It's not always something that works, but it helps me.



i am not my scars and my history
i am, i am, i am who i am...i am who i am.
there are true things inside of me;
i have been afraid to see.

  Send a message via MSN to kitkat_kate Send a message via Skype™ to kitkat_kate 
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 26th 2010, 05:01 AM

Yeah, she knows about the flashbacks, nightmares, everything. I wish that grounding worked for me, but it doesn't. The flashbacks progress too fast and within seconds I have no clue what is going on around me. I actually did have an okay christmas, aside from the fact that someone gave a Santa T-shirt which set me off. Anyway I hope you had a good holiday too.


"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
   
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Re: Chirstmas Time - December 26th 2010, 11:16 PM

I am so sorry for what happened to you, and may the Goddess in all her understanding, take pity on that sorry excuse for a human.
   
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