Confused about my past...was I sexually abused?

Dyingtolive · **Confused about my past...was I sexually abused? -** January 8th 2011, 08:09 AM

Ok so when I was little like 4 or 5 my cousin who is 5 years older than me always made me have sex with him... But he was my older cousin who I looked up to so much and idolized so when he asked me to I said yes cuz I didn't wanna let him down and that's what cousins did for each other...or so he told me... Well long story short, he made me have sex with him like at least once a month for about 3 years I'm guestimating.... But he kinda forced it on me but I never fought it... So does that mean it wasn't abuse cuz he was so close in age with me and I didn't fight it... Like in a way maybe I was leasing him on.... But I remember bragging to friends about it cuz I thought it was what adults did and it was normal... But it's like I had always looked at it as like "hey I'm so adult I had sex before everyone..." but I just recently had a friend tell me she was raped as a kid and it got me thinking as to whether or not what happened to me was rape or molestation or whatever u call it... But yeahh I'm just like so confused about it all and I'm looking back on it now and realizing how wrong it really was but the whole idea of it is so confusing to me right now...

Marguerite

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dyingtolive

Ok so when I was little like 4 or 5 my cousin who is 5 years older than me always made me have sex with him... But he was my older cousin who I looked up to so much and idolized so when he asked me to I said yes cuz I didn't wanna let him down and that's what cousins did for each other...or so he told me... Well long story short, he made me have sex with him like at least once a month for about 3 years I'm guestimating.... But he kinda forced it on me but I never fought it... So does that mean it wasn't abuse cuz he was so close in age with me and I didn't fight it... Like in a way maybe I was leasing him on.... But I remember bragging to friends about it cuz I thought it was what adults did and it was normal... But it's like I had always looked at it as like "hey I'm so adult I had sex before everyone..." but I just recently had a friend tell me she was raped as a kid and it got me thinking as to whether or not what happened to me was rape or molestation or whatever u call it... But yeahh I'm just like so confused about it all and I'm looking back on it now and realizing how wrong it really was but the whole idea of it is so confusing to me right now...

It's very confusing when it comes to situations like this. When you're a kid, however, five years is a big diffence. If it went on for three years, it would have been taking place around the time you were eight and he was thirteen. A thirteen year old is obviously a lot more mature than an eight year old and it is too old to be able to put it down to 'kids being kids'. At thirteen you are old enough to know that having sex with your eight year old cousin is wrong.

You are 15 now. Think back to two years ago. How does the idea of having a sexual experience with an eight year old sound? Disgusting and wrong I'm sure, as it would most 13 year olds.

Saying things like 'that's what good cousins do for each other' is obviously manipulative language which makes it sound like he very much knew what he was doing. It's hard to tell from your writing, because I'm not sure what 'kinda forced it on you' really entails, but if he did then clearly, it's rape.

When did it stop, and why? Those are important questions. What is your relationship with your cousin like now? Are you in a position to ask him about it? If you choose to do that, make sure there are people around in case anything gets out of hand.

It would be wise of you to talk about this to someone. Ideally it would be your parents. If that's not an option (I can see why it would be uncomfortable) maybe a school councillor? Best of luck.

Dyingtolive

Like I remember him more or less forcing it on my at first and I fink after a while I just got used to it and learned to just take it.... If I remember right, I fought it at first and was like no this isn't right... And he never really physically forced me to do some things bug it was mire or less mental manipulation... But anyway like after he stopped doing if to me I think I got so used to it and my whole idea of sex was so screwed up that when he stopped I began to think that he didn't love me anymore and all that stuff and I remember like a yr or so aftr he stopped whenever I would try to address it with him he would just kinda change the subject... And for a while I wasn't sure if it was just a dream or not... But the memories r so clear of what he did at some points that I'm sure there's no way it was a dream... And it's like because he always told me it was what cousins did and that he loved me and stuff I grew up thinking that it was okay and basically we just stopped talking about it and doing it... But like our relationship is really just like siblings like we are really close but no one mentions what happened... And in not even sure he remembers what happened... But I do... And that's the problem.... And I've nvr told anyone about it... Besides friends when I was younger but that was it and I don't even know how to address this whole thing...

WillO'Wisp

Your cousin is sick. I think you should report this to the Police and stay far far away from him.
No decent human being forces their kid cousin to have sex with them, and having sex with a relative is called incest, and it's just wrong. He forced it on you, so I would consider it rape. You didn't seem like you wanted to do it, but he kind of forced you to. Whether you fought or not, you seemed to be young and didn't know much better, so it would be rape in my opinion.

Atychiphobia

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dyingtolive

Like I remember him more or less forcing it on my at first and I fink after a while I just got used to it and learned to just take it.... If I remember right, I fought it at first and was like no this isn't right... And he never really physically forced me to do some things bug it was mire or less mental manipulation... But anyway like after he stopped doing if to me I think I got so used to it and my whole idea of sex was so screwed up that when he stopped I began to think that he didn't love me anymore and all that stuff and I remember like a yr or so aftr he stopped whenever I would try to address it with him he would just kinda change the subject... And for a while I wasn't sure if it was just a dream or not... But the memories r so clear of what he did at some points that I'm sure there's no way it was a dream... And it's like because he always told me it was what cousins did and that he loved me and stuff I grew up thinking that it was okay and basically we just stopped talking about it and doing it...

Wow. I know that so well.. well, except it wasn't my cousin. But yeah, it really messes with your perceptions of sex and relationships.. I think you should report him, I know your saying that you were kids.. but you were 5-8 and he was 10-13.. to me I don't consider a 13 year old a kid, and when would a 13 year old think it's okay to have sex with an 8 year old. I can understand your dilemna so well, because my sexual abuse started when I was 9 and he was 11, I can remember even once I was older, excusing him saying he didn't know, didn't understand and all that, but as it was pointed out to me, he understood enough to have sex. It's not exactly common knowledge on how to have sex that young really, well it wasn't back then.. I also think you could probably do with counselling/therapy so you can talk about this and maybe try and work through the perception problems that will be there; I never realised how much he'd messed up my head until I was 18 and tried to have an 'adult' relationship and completely screwed it up basicly because all my perceptions were off.
PM me if you wanna talk sweetheart. <3
xox

Marguerite

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dyingtolive

Like I remember him more or less forcing it on my at first and I fink after a while I just got used to it and learned to just take it.... If I remember right, I fought it at first and was like no this isn't right... And he never really physically forced me to do some things bug it was mire or less mental manipulation... But anyway like after he stopped doing if to me I think I got so used to it and my whole idea of sex was so screwed up that when he stopped I began to think that he didn't love me anymore and all that stuff and I remember like a yr or so aftr he stopped whenever I would try to address it with him he would just kinda change the subject... And for a while I wasn't sure if it was just a dream or not... But the memories r so clear of what he did at some points that I'm sure there's no way it was a dream... And it's like because he always told me it was what cousins did and that he loved me and stuff I grew up thinking that it was okay and basically we just stopped talking about it and doing it... But like our relationship is really just like siblings like we are really close but no one mentions what happened... And in not even sure he remembers what happened... But I do... And that's the problem.... And I've nvr told anyone about it... Besides friends when I was younger but that was it and I don't even know how to address this whole thing...

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot and it's a really complex issue. If you've got a close relationship now, maybe you could bring it up and see what was going on.

What he did wasn't right, especially as he got older and began to know better. The thing is he probably did stop because he realized it was wrong, but that doesn't excuse it. Not at all.

I hope you have someone you could talk too about this. Maybe one of the friends from when you were younger?

All the best x

Dyingtolive

Thank u guys for the answers and all the support... This has been something that's been eating at me for a while and no matter how much the answers hurt... I needed to hear them... I know that he had been through a lot as a kid like growing up in the ghetto and in a gang and stuff like that so I feel like it would be so wrong to bring this up like 7 years later and that even if I brought it to the cops aren't there statutes of limitations on this kinda stuff and there's no wittnesses or physical proof anymore so it would just end in a really bad battle between family and I couldn't be the one to tear apart our family... God i'm sry for venting... I'm just really confused and upset.....

kc_82

At age 4 or 5, you are considered to be a child, with that being said, children are not supposed to have sex. Technically, according to your state law, it is considered rape because most states say that a child under the age of 12 is not in their mind to consent to such things. Even at the age of 12 or 15, you are still considered to be a child and that is why there are such things as statatory rape, just because you may have consented does not mean it is right. From what I read you were not a consenting partner anyways and was manipulated into doing it. Unfornately, I hate to say it, but I doubt you will be the last one if something is not done to prevent it from happening to someone else.

ARTPOP

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Nocturnal~Symphony*

Your cousin is sick. I think you should report this to the Police and stay far far away from him.
No decent human being forces their kid cousin to have sex with them, and having sex with a relative is called incest, and it's just wrong. He forced it on you, so I would consider it rape. You didn't seem like you wanted to do it, but he kind of forced you to. Whether you fought or not, you seemed to be young and didn't know much better, so it would be rape in my opinion.

Incest is ilegal. They'll be banned from each other.