Non-PG13 (Strong Language): history; hurtful words and lustful eyes :/

[breathe91]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, but I feel that I need to say this...



My dad teased me, humiliated me and degraded me. He called me names. He looked at me like I was a piece of meat with lustful eyes.

I am making a compiled list of all these things he said to me:
Nothing
Play toy
Dumbass
Dirty
Failure
Useless
Quitter
Pussy
Reject
Cunt
Whore
Immature
Unlovable
Retarded
Waste
Disgusting
Pathetic
Slave
Irresponsible
Immature
Disgrace
Ungrateful
Lazy
Slut
Piece of shit
Bitch
Muff Muff (that was my nickname from him - he called me it all the time)
Tainted
Fat
Impulsive
Selfish
Not good enough
Loser

You were made for this.
Kill yourself, I don't care. You're a lost cause anyway.
You're a disappointment as a daughter.
You deserve to die.
You have all the right body parts.
You make me sick.
You have no right to say no to me. You have no right to say no to any adult.
Why don't you make yourself useful again? (referring to giving him oral sex)
You're not going to amount to anything when you grow up.
You fucked up your life and now you're ruining mine.

From the moment I was born, I entered into a world of lies, secrets, and manipulation. My father charmed people with his wit, but he was a dominating and controlling man. All he wanted was people to bow down to him. He did it by interrogating people; identifying their weakness and exploiting it. He did it by using subtle tactics to intimidate people into submission. He broke down their wall of defenses, and tore it down brick by brick. He was a cold, relentless man and he would not stop until he got what he wanted. He did it to my mother and he did it to me.

As a young child, I would consider my family to be "abusive." Seething anger, secrecy, posessiveness, and control were the undercurrents in my house.

He was dominating. He tried, and succeeded in controlling everything I did and everywhere I went. He verbally abused me. He intimidated me by calling me names, degrading me, screaming at me, threatening me, criticizing me, berating me, and humiliating me in public. He made snide remarks and used his sarcasm to denigrate me and complete erode my sense of self worth as an individual person. He intentionally made me look bad in front of other people to keep me isolated, to make me feel even more alone than I already did. And I'm sure he did that to keep me at his mercy so I would do anything he wanted. And it worked.

He constantly swore to me that things I KNOW happened and things I KNOW he said never actually occured and never were said. It made me crazy. I started questioning whether things really did happen because he always denied them. It drove me to the point of insanity.

He always pushed my buttons to the max. He would say things like, "If you love me you would do this" or "I'm not going to help you anymore if you don't do this for me" or "I am your father, you really should do this for me..."

He made things chaotic for me, and my Mom for that matter. One minute, he would pretend like he loved me. The next, he would tell me that I could go to hell. He always switched back and forth and he did it so quickly that I couldn't keep up. One hour he would go from being in an "okay" mood to being enraged for no apparent reason whatsoever.

He had unreasonably high expectations of me. He would make really unreasonable demands. Like he would try and force me to spend an extraordinary amount of time with him. I felt like I had to give him ALL my attention or I would be subjected to his wrath. I knew that if I didn't fulfill his wish, I would be criticized even more, and I tried to avoid that at pretty much all costs.

He had the most unpredictable responses. I'm talking EXTREME mood swings. It made me on edge, wondering if I could walk in the room he was in without being yelled at. I had to carefully consider my next move because I wouldn't want to anger him any more than he already was.

He loved to blame other people. And he tended to always shift responsibility of his actions onto me. Then he become unbelievably angry because he said I was the one to cause his outrage. So it was my fault that he behaved inappropriately.

He also loved to make excuses. He tried to justify his behavior by making some excuse. "If you didn't say this, I wouldn't of had to do this..."
He was the king of manipulation. He was a pathological liar and he always provoked arguments. He charmed people and pretended to care about their well being all the while he was getting ready to screw them over. I saw him do it all the time.

He never EVER admitted he was wrong. I honestly believe that he did not know how to do that. He thought he was perfect and he was above everyone else. And he NEVER apologized. I don't think he had it in him.
He refused to listen. And refused to communicate. It was always a one sided conversation (and that being his side).

He never seemed to truly care about what other people thought of him. He was very close minded. He loved secrets and always thought he was right. He minimized everything he did wrong and refused to accept the fact that he made mistakes. He was extremely possessive and thought he should be able to get everything he wants. He thought that it's what he deserves. And he thought of me as "property." Like I was something that he owned and he could do whatever he wished with me. He could.

He felt superior to everyone else, like rules somehow didn't apply to him.

He was very hypercritical. It's like he kept his abuse separate from his other self. He felt like it was normal and acceptable behavior to hurt me. In his mind, it was justified. And it was rather strange, for example: We would all watch the late night news and see some horror story about a parent hurting a child and he would be the first one to condemn them when he's doing a very same thing. I remember seeing this report that a father r*ped his 6 year old daughter (he was put in prison) and my father was so angry! He went on swearing saying this and that about the guy, when he has treated me in very similar ways. I just never understood the way his mind worked.

He thought of himself as self sufficient and independent when in reality he wasn't EITHER of those two things.

He was overly defensive in situations that never called for it.

[jenpiglet17]

I'm so sorry.. no one should ever have that.... Ever.... I'm proud of you for making it to 20... I'd have been long gone if my mom was that bad... I'm glad you got it all out though I know you didn't ask for help, but I'm here if you wanna ever talk! I'm sure counseling for you/CPS if you have younger siblings so he can get the help he needs too... Thats a lot to take in. Wow. But we're here for you! Take care. <3

[BlackKeys]

WOW. That was intense and eerie. You have just described my father. Probably better than I would ever be able to put into words. That is exactly who he is. Thanks for sharing, it made me feel a little less crazy : )

[Mandiie.Love]

I've got something similar to that (not as intense) going on, and I'd like to know how you handled it to make it to your age today.

[Kitty.]

Hey,

I’m glad that you have decided to let this all out. This is a safe place and we are here to help you. I’m very sorry to hear that you were abused by your father.
Your father was wrong when he degraded you.

You are:
Beautiful, Sweet, Amazing, Gorgeous, Kind, Full of Worth, Strong, Awesome, Mature, Lovable, etc. I could go on and on and on.

It’s so awful that you had to suffer through all of this. I am so proud of you for sticking it out so long. You are such a strong wonderful girl. <3 I’m here if you need anything.

Take care,
Kitty.

[Youth Pastor]

Sorry to hear you have to go through this and sorry for the other two also. I can't imagine how rough it is to deal with this. Something to keep in mind is you have to start looking out for yourself somehow. Just because your dad says you won't amount to anything doesn't mean that it's true. If you truly want to become something then go for it. It will probably mean leaving your parents behind, in a way, but you have to look out for you. Look again at Fierce's comment. That goes for anyone who is going through this. Keep us up to date and please talk to someone on here about this to vent. If you can, find someone you can tell around you.