My Father Molested Me

[BethanyAnn]

When I was younger, around 4 and 5 my father molested me. I told my mother a year ago and I left it at that. I gave her her time. (He did this after my parents divorced when I was 3). Now a year later she wants to bring it up. I have been looking for my father, and she claims that if this really happened to me I would not be looking for him. I just want to meet this man after 12 years, and she is pressuring me to speak of this, I do not know how to put it into words, I do not know how to explain it, and it is highly embarrassing. I am starting to wish I never told her, at all. She just can't get off the fact that I want to meet him, I mean at the end of the day he is my dad, right? I think I would feel better if I just confronted him about it and asked why.. she just doesn't get it. And I am afraid if I do meet him that is going to be the first thing out of her mouth to him, and I think it might scar my father off again and I will never get the chance to get any closure.... My mom said this happened to her too, and she wishes the people dead that did it to her... I keep saying we are two totally different people and I handle things different. How can I explain this to her??? Is it really normal for me to want to see him again?

[Ivanna_B_Me]

Well it does not make u at the least bit abnormal. It's true that people grieve differently and some people are a little head stronger than others... clearly ur mom is the kind that just has everything thrown into the air and see what happens... which is just about never the right decision... I suggest u just tell ur mom that you love her and this does not make you love either of them any more or less than before... and that after the fact he is still your father and u want to try to tie any loose ends with your father... just so u don't grow up wondering what if and why for the rest of your life, so it wont haunt you... if she loves you and cares for u like i assume she does im sure shell understand.... it might not be right away but im sure one day she see the error of her misunderstanding...

[Gidig]

Hey-

This really is a hard position to be in. I see both points of view, of you and your mother. But honestly, I do believe in the end it should be your decision, as it is your life.

Your mother probably is concerned this will really hurt you. And since people do cope differently, sometimes it's hard for people to understand that. It doesn't seem your mother quite understands that. But I do get that you want closure, and maybe just even to see him again as he is your father. Whether he was in your life or not, he played a huge part in my opinion.

Maybe if you're 17 now, ask your mother if you wait until you're 18 to try and find him, you'd then be an adult and could make your own decisions. A lot of parents tend to agree to the 18 rule whether it makes sense or not xD

If your mother continues not to budge on this fact, you need to decide how important this is to you. If you think it would really benefit you to see him, you don't need her permission if you know of any other ways to find him. While I don't want to encourage you to go behind her back, you don't want someone to hold you back from doing what will benefit you.

If you do decide to meet him and find him and everything, make sure someone knows you're going though that you trust. No matter what the result turns out (Which in reality, it could be a bad meeting) it may be helpful to have someone you can talk to about it. Also consider the possibility, just in case, what if what he did to you when you were younger is something he still does now? You need to make sure your safety comes first.

Best of luck, I hope everything turns out well. Feel free to PM me if you ever need me. =)
Maria.

[BethanyAnn]

Originally Posted by Gidig

Hey-

This really is a hard position to be in. I see both points of view, of you and your mother. But honestly, I do believe in the end it should be your decision, as it is your life.

Your mother probably is concerned this will really hurt you. And since people do cope differently, sometimes it's hard for people to understand that. It doesn't seem your mother quite understands that. But I do get that you want closure, and maybe just even to see him again as he is your father. Whether he was in your life or not, he played a huge part in my opinion.

Maybe if you're 17 now, ask your mother if you wait until you're 18 to try and find him, you'd then be an adult and could make your own decisions. A lot of parents tend to agree to the 18 rule whether it makes sense or not xD

If your mother continues not to budge on this fact, you need to decide how important this is to you. If you think it would really benefit you to see him, you don't need her permission if you know of any other ways to find him. While I don't want to encourage you to go behind her back, you don't want someone to hold you back from doing what will benefit you.

If you do decide to meet him and find him and everything, make sure someone knows you're going though that you trust. No matter what the result turns out (Which in reality, it could be a bad meeting) it may be helpful to have someone you can talk to about it. Also consider the possibility, just in case, what if what he did to you when you were younger is something he still does now? You need to make sure your safety comes first.

Best of luck, I hope everything turns out well. Feel free to PM me if you ever need me. =)
Maria.

I am looking for my father and she knows I am and she dosen't care, thats how this matter was brought up in the first place, as I am trying to drop it and move on with my life, I cannot let what he did define me as a person. I believe everyone makes mistakes, but it doesn't make them any less of a person or any less worthy to be a parent. As I have gotten in touch with his ex wife she explains things to me, and as far as her and I are concerned my father wants me, he has Custody, never gave up his parental rights, pays child support, just my mother will not tell him where we are living. His ex wife said she tried to go to court, but he didn't have the money.