Non-PG13: What does this dream/memory mean? (REALLY LONG but please help)

[kayla1234]

This is soooo long but please help. I honestly don't know if it is a dream or a bit of a memory but it must mean something. If it is a dream then it is a dream that I had long, long ago and for some reason it stayed in my mind. I think the very first time I remembered it though was randomly when I ws getting ready for bed, about to brush my teeth. I jut remembered being in the car in California and the sun and the driver talking to me but bits and pieces keep filling themselves in. Either that or it is my mind playing tricks on me, which I heard is actually kind of common... I don't know why I dreamt/don't remember it though, so I just wanted to know if anyone has any ideas on what its importance could be... even if it is just a dream...

So basically the dream/memory starts when I am in the car. It's in California and I am very young. I think I might be 6 ish but I lived in California for like a year when I was 4 so regardless I am very young. I am looking out the window and it is sunny, there are palm trees on the side of the road in the median and everything just seems really bright. I am in the passenger's seat and my knees are somewhat turned toward my door. I never say anything I don't think, but the driver is older. It seems like it is an adult (not a teenage driver is what I mean). I can see his/her hands gripping the steering wheel... 10 and 2... I can see their forearms... but not vivdly. I can't tell if it is a male or female driver. I can't tell from their voice either. I never ever see their face...

I am going to the doctor today... He is going to have to look and examine me down there. The driver tells me that if I am a good girl and don't fight like I did last time that he/she will take me to the beach afterwards. I think they also told me we would go get ice cream on the way back... I don't remember if I said anything... I just kept looking out the window. I want to write he everytime I start writing about the driver, but before now I had thought it was a girl. I honestly have no idea... I am nervous, I don't want to go. I don't want him to touch me.

After that I dont remember.

Next thing I remember is the car ride home. Everything is still bright and sunny, but the atmosphere of the car has changed. The driver is angry I can tell but he/she never raises there voice at me. Their voice is dripping with disapproval though. I can't stand disapproval... They tell me now we can't get ice cream or go to the beach. I just keep remembering staring out the window... that's it. I don't remember seeing their face, or the doctor's face... but I know the doctor was a man.

I remember thinking that I really love the beach and I was so sad that I couldn't go anymore, but I also remember deciding on the way home that there was no way that I would ever let that man touch me without a fight, even if I couldn't go to the beach.

The only thing I remember about the doctor's office is being in the room, on that table thing where they have the thin white piece of paper on the bed... I hate that piece of paper... It always makes that scratchy sound whenever you move around on it... I am sitting upright on it with my pants down and he is trying to get my underwear down and now all of a sudden I remember that they are pink. I am kicking my legs and I keep tipping backwards and trying to stay sitting up but he just grabs at my legs like a parent tries to grab a childs legs when they are throwing a tantrum. And he tries to pull them back down to the table while getting my underwear off but they are already off, they are at my thigh but he needs them down all of the way... that's it... there is no one else in the room though... a doctor shouldn't ever do that if there is no one in the room right...?

I remember on the car ride back having my legs bent and my feet up on the chair, knees completely facing the window now. I didn't want to look at the driver... I think I remember a hand on my knee at some point during the car ride there or back, but I hated it... I think it was a man's hand... I don't understand I thought it was a woman who was driving...

Why would I dream this? Why would I not be able to remember if it was a dream? Why would I randomly remember a dream in the middle of the day? If it's a memory why can't I remember it? I WANT to remember what happened... I need to know... I feel sick all of a sudden this has never happened when I think about it...

I just need to know, how can I remember???

I am 15 years old and I've only had my first kiss just a couple days ago with my boyfriend.

In 7th grade when everyone else was building relationships and kissing guy my best guy friend woul flirt with me on the bus and touch my legs but I would freeze up. I loved the attention but physical contact makes me freeze. I don't understand any of this... I love being close but it actually makes me nervous pst the point of what is normal. The first time a guy put his arm around me I literally started shaking. Thank god it was freezing out, I played it off as the shivers. In 7th grade I would constantly pull away from my best guy friend. I didn't hug a guy until 8th grade (except now I always do). I can be incredibly social and have seven guys who like me at the moment but I can't get emotionally/physically close to anyone.

My boyfriend is the only guy who is different... I trust him. I can cuddle close and only tremble a couple of times, but always pull away if he starts kissing my neck too much. It took the whole movie of his assurances that everything would be okay for me to agree to letting him kiss me... the WHOLE movie... I was shaking afterwards... not noticably but my lips trembled... my legs were shaky and I didn't want to let him go... it's hard for me to look into people's eyes too...

The more I go on the more I notice how this is all not normal... But this is the ONLY memory/dream like this... what is wrong with me? If it is a memory how can I remember the whole thing.

And no, I can't go to a therapist. We have no money for one and anyway I would never, EVER tell my parents I needed to see one for ANYTHING.

If anyone is a therapist on here maybe you could PM me and you could help me online?

[nobodyinparticular]

Hey,
I think it would be really difficult to determine whether or not this was a real experience. If you aren't willing to ask your parents, or someone you were close to when you were that age, it may be difficult to find out. But not impossible. About a year and a half ago I remembered a moment from my childhood where I abused. I was able to confirm my memory by hinting questions to my parents. But memory works on it own, so I could take a long time to remember on your own. If you can try ind pin-point the event and time in your life, the people it could have been etc, it might get a little clearer to you. Does it make you uncomfortable to think about it? In my personal opinion, I think it could be a memory. Thoughts like that don't tend to come out of the blue, and tend to have some basis of fact.
Feel free to PM me and best of luck figuring this out.

[Release9]

Hello.
I think personally that this is a memory, especially considering the fact that you say that you freeze at physical contact.
Hope this helps!

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

I'd say memory. It sounds very detailed to be a dream, and also, a dream shouldn't affect you as much as this does. But the only way you'll know for sure is if you ask someone.