Non-PG13 (Strong Language): I just kinda need help...

[helpmeout]

Okay, so here's my story:
My dad was an extremely verbally abusive when I was younger. At the age of 5 I was used to being called "a fucking idiot, retarded piece of shit, etc.". The worse was when I would be called worthless. However, (not to be cocky) I was also brilliant academically, socially, and athletically. This made me feel praised and loved by many other people whether they were my friends, teachers, and my mom (whom I love dearly). A big problem I had with my father was that we were both extremely competitive and into sports. I was one of the top players in basketball, soccer, and baseball but no matter how much I succeeded it never seemed to make my father content. He'd call me fat, slow, stupid, and not talented (mixed with many expletives). I reacted to this by slowly dropping out of sports and gaining some weight (the reaction probably started around when I was 9). Academically and socially I was still gifted. I had an ample amount of guy and girl friends and I was considered a popular cool kid. This all changed when I was 11, everyone in my grade was 13 so they were starting to go through puberty. Before I knew it, all my former friends were assholes and douche bags. At first, I desired to be like them but after about a year I realized that it wasn't making me happy and that I needed to be myself. So basically since that point forward I could only really connect socially to girls and nerdy guys.

So now we're in the present, I am a tall, thin (I lost the weight), attractive, and smart guy who normally loves life. However, I have a shit load of social problems. I feel very awkward around a lot of guys that my friends, that are girls, find attractive. "Manly" conversations are just so mundane and I feel like they are miserable but girls are still attracted to them. So I tend to care about others way more than myself and this makes me feel like I can't be attractive to any girls that I'm around. I'm constantly told that I'm adorable, cute, and that people want to marry me but I always feel like they mean that more in a friendly way. Right now, I haven't had anything serious relationship wise in over a year. I have a best friend that likes me but she's even more screwed up than I am (she watched her mom get raped when she was 7) and I just feel like I'd be a better friend than a bo friend to her. I feel like I have a lot less sexual attraction that most guys have. A lot of people think I'm gay but I'm really closet bisexual. However, the type of guy I "like" is so distorted and limited from the abuse I endured that I don't really find the need to address myself as bi. The truth is that to the general public I don't care about what they think of me but as the same time I have such a strong desire to be accepted. I know I just kind of rambled and like I've talked to a few of my friends very very minutely about the problems that I'm going through. I want to open up but I was taught (by my father) that showing emotions was a sign of being weak so I just can't really bring myself to truly opening up. Any comments? I really just need someone who's mature and that I can trust to talk to.

[Beautiful_mind]

Showing emotion isn't being weak at all, if you feel that you need to open up and show emotion then do it. Showing emotion is empowering and can really help when your going through stuff. Do you talk to your dad now? I myself have a horrible relationship with my step dad, he is a bully towards me but I have learnt after years of counselling that I don't have to listen to it, that i can just be myself.
Have you considered talking to a counsellor? I think it's a good idea, I know when I was younger it helped me with my step dad and now i am much happier.

If you need someone to talk to you can always pm me.