Boundaries and Control

[Justin Bieber]

I've recently joined a support group-- and I love it! It's been really helpful, and I'm doing much much much better. It's actually pretty incredible.

Right now, I'm working on something I find extremely challenging, creating boundaries. I can easily say that I don't want someone to force themselves upon me, but I find it difficult to not allow an exception to be made for my ex-boyfriend (who was abusive). I'm not sure how to actually create boundaries after he forced me to make him an exception.

I'm also finding it hard to not try and get back together with him. It's not that I found the relationship healthy, but I feel like it gave me a sense of being. I'm finding it hard to live without him. By this I mean, while I broke up with him year ago and don't have the same physical contact, the emotional effects are still very, very real for me. I feel like I can't let him go-- even though my brain is telling me I should.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Or have any advice? I really need to learn how to be a person...


For clarity-- when I am on a schedule (very strict), I find it easier to stay focused and healthy and not want him. But right now when I have no school or organized activity and my day is left to me, I find myself looking to him for answers. I feel lost without his direction and control. I'm craving his control, to be honest, I simply functioned better that way.

Obviously I know this isn't healthy, and I am getting help, but I'd love some input from you all Thanks a bunch!

[ShimmeringFaerie]

To be honest, the only thing that worked for me to be able to let go of my ex-boyfriend was to cut him out of my life entirely. I blocked his phone number, email, Facebook etc. I know that you are asking about creating boundaries, but I found that my ex did not accept my boundaries. And it sounds like yours isn't either. Since he is still having such an effect on you, I would strongly suggest eliminating him from your life or at least, severely cutting down on contact. Would that be possible for you?

Also, if you find it easier to be in control when you have a schedule, why not make one for yourself? Organise your time with recreational activities. Or if possible, could you join some clubs or take up some extra-curricula activities? Perhaps things like dancing classes, tutoring, exercise? Do you have or could you get a job? Just because you don't have school doesn't mean that you can't structure your time.

Hope this helped =)

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

To be honest, the only thing that worked for me to be able to let go of my ex-boyfriend was to cut him out of my life entirely. I blocked his phone number, email, Facebook etc. I know that you are asking about creating boundaries, but I found that my ex did not accept my boundaries. And it sounds like yours isn't either. Since he is still having such an effect on you, I would strongly suggest eliminating him from your life or at least, severely cutting down on contact. Would that be possible for you?

Also, if you find it easier to be in control when you have a schedule, why not make one for yourself? Organise your time with recreational activities. Or if possible, could you join some clubs or take up some extra-curricula activities? Perhaps things like dancing classes, tutoring, exercise? Do you have or could you get a job? Just because you don't have school doesn't mean that you can't structure your time.

Hope this helped =)

Thanks, Amy


1. He's as much out of my life as possible. We don't talk, email, text, or facebook each other. I see him sometimes when he comes to see my sister, but that's it. It's more of what happened that seems to be effecting me....

2. It's a great suggestion, and I will start up a schedule soon, but sometimes I just want to laze around and just rest... and I want to be able to do that without having these issues...