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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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girlfromsocal Offline
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was I abused sexually or am I just simply a freak? - January 8th 2012, 03:05 PM

I'm curious? Well I have very little memories and very little evidence and I'm a horrible person. I don't have a conscious so I can't say I feel sorry but I know some of what I've done was sick and terrible but I stand by all my actions because they are my own. I can't be against myself of course. Doesn't change that I do resent some things I've done. I was as a child not so pleasant. Idk why I just wanted to be a bad person. Even my mom said I said things children usually don't say. Well I had gone through puberty at 6 almost 7. But I can't explain my toddler years. I can't explain why I acted that way. I am a girl and I like men now so I guess it's not a big deal I don't feel bad about what I did. I mean guys are stronger than women. So I'm not like that anymore. But as a toddler, I had done sexual acts on my baby cousins age 1 or under. I did it when I was under 5. I was wild with orgasms back idk why. I just wanted someone to fuck it seemed. I even sexually touched my classmates in kindergarten. I just kept having sex dreams of them and anyone really. I was isolated mostly my mom never knew about the kids. I eventually told her at 10. I told about my grandpa. But I felt like so much pressure I'm so confused. Like when I was about 4 which is even after the things I did to my cousins. I have one memory. I was on the recliner and my grandma left the room and I had just awaken and my grandpa ran towards me and threw me to the floor and pulled my pants off. That was it. I blacked out. Thing is I'm a virgin medically speaking. When I was 10 I was proven to be a virgin and he has herpes I don't. My mom I know she doesn't realize but she pressured me too much I think. Like if nothing happened something would be wrong with me. It's like everything needs an asnwer a reason why I do a thing. Like when I was 8 and 9 I went to activities and I once threw out this girls pats but I just was mischievous but she always acted like there's a need to know why I do something. And if not something was wrong with me. I also had an infection related to somewhat of abuse when I was 4. And I was convinced I was abused so I said I was abused and now I'm totaly confused what to think. He plead guilty so doesn't that mean he abused me in some way even though I don't remember it and am a virgin? What does it all mean? I sometimes want to say I don't actually remember him raping me but then I am a mess menttally that I did what I did as a child. But I really don't think he caused how I acted because it wasn't just sexual. I am good at being mean for no reason. I actually wanted to go to hell when I was under 10. Being better than good has always seemed better than the good side. It's only now I see it differently because after all these years I have done nothing too bad compared to most because of the isolation. But I admire some criminals like really bad things. But I feel like my mental state is just not like others. Like this the way I am can't be because of one time iof abuse right? Especially the stuff I did to my cousins could only bebefore that. Because they were 1 I would more than like be 3 before any possible abuse. I've learned to take a weak approach to show my harmless side as a woman I'm vulnerable and I try to show that. I've learned how to live normally and since isolation I'm more needy and interested in other people than I ever was because no man is an island, but I'm still confused if I was abused and acting out or completely just different from most children? What do you think?
   
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Re: was I abused sexually or am I just simply a freak? - January 8th 2012, 07:08 PM

To me, it definitely sounds like you were sexually abused at a young age. Although you may not remember it, that could be because we protect ourselves from bad memories by storing them away and forgetting them (That way we never have to deal with them) or you might have been too young to remember everything.
Being sexually abused would explain why you did sexual acts on your cousin, it can really confuse and corrupt such a young mind, so please don't feel bad for what you have done at such a young age. You were just acting out as a reaction to what happened to you.
If he pleaded guilty at the charges, he did sexually abuse you, although they say you are still a virgin he may have touched you inappropriately and molested you without actually going inside of you.
I would say, if you haven't gone to someone or talked to anyone openly about what you experienced it would be a really good idea to so.
I hope you're doing alright, and if you need anything feel free to PM me hun
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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind donít matter and those who matter donít mind.


"Live your life and risk it all
take some chances, take the fall
take your time, no need to hurry
have some fun, and never worry ♥"
   
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girlfromsocal Offline
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Re: was I abused sexually or am I just simply a freak? - January 8th 2012, 08:28 PM

it's not my biggest issue. I'm still handling issues like isolation. Also I know it may be so but it was before I was abused. The recliner situation couldn't have been before 4 that's another reason I question it and all. Plus I've heard people say they got whipped the same way. My mom said she did. My mom also said she thought he seemed like he told the truth when he's repeatedly said he didn't do it. He's a violent guy though he had guns and threatened my mom's mom and beat down 2 of her brothers and had one sexual assault case against his ex-gf's daugter who was 10. And my mom's sister half sister that is claimed he abused her. But he never touched my mom or really anyone else related to him. He seems more physically abusive but I'd not know unless I remembered....
   
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