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girlfromsocal Offline
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abuse that hurts the soul... - January 9th 2012, 03:36 PM

I was abused as a child without scared. Without hitting without touch, it was like abuse could be invisible though you can't see it. You can feel it. Penetrating your mind and tearing me apart from the inside. And when I could free myself from it it was so much anger jealousy and hate over things people don't understand. The deprivation I sustained was of things others mention day to day. So normal and usual to others. I'd watch peopke live outside the window as my child self died behind the glass. Such thin glass bounding me to a different world. A world no one ever understands. A hamster has its needs and to me if you don't give them that. You are abusing it. Same here a child has needs besides school food and etc. Basic needs. It needs a life. I needed a life not to watch everyone live while I was tucked away from everyone. I knew somehow as a child my life would be hell. I don't know how but I did. I'd have traded my life for anyone's just for 2 things to be normal and to have a normal life. One that I'd have gone to school made friends bonded with peer and therefore matured with peer. It was so hard to keep up when you have nothing and no examples. I felt stunted a lot of the time. People say bff or best friend and it bothers me wen I am myself. People talk about school and I automatically hate. Having friends going to school all that homecoming prom shit all the talk of relationships and good moms. It all is annoying. No one understands that it existed. That emotional abuse is just as bad. What influence was I to have if I was isolated and only allowed to hear her. Her condescending ways. Her reassurance that people were looking down on me making my socially anxious symptomatic traits worsen. How could I get away? How was I so bad of a person that everyone agreed? I never did anything I never was out later than 10 ever while I was under 18 except for the last day when I no longer lived with her. I finished school. Yet every turn she just wanted to tear me apart. She didn't know how to raise a child. She was damaged. Or maybe the years of being around others got her to not realize I needed interaction yet I told her still she chose to do what she did. I had no friends. And growing up. I've need to observe mainly. I'm so behind I just needed time to see how others interact. I'm still at that point. I had no school since kindergarten no friends. I had watched different kids. Just watched them live. I read books and watched tv about kids just if only I had a normal life. One where I could have been a child all I ever thought. Then eventually at 15 things got worst my mom would call me names. I had screams. These loud boisterous screams for help freedom anything. But my mom would always call the police and act like I was the culprit it was everything she did. She made me feel helpless. And no one could see what I meant. No one understood what forced isolation was. They'd talk about shit that was so far from my life. I wanted so bad for the police officers to die. And I wanted the therapist my mom would torture me with t be strangled. I wished someday it could be understood. Is it so hard to see a child can not be forced alone left alone? After that, I completely died. I stopped doing school. I was an internet addict and that's all I could do. I sometimes wish I could just die still. Like I have so much anger no one understands why. No one's ever been nice to me. They always side with my skunk of a mother. A crack head is better than the bitch. We lived in motels and my mom would say it was because I was so messed up. She said I had issues since I was 6. But there were moms there who were crack heads but they went to school everyday and they had friends they matured they could have a chance to be normal for me it was all just stress. Stress about money stress about if I was getting kicked out and if so when. Stress if we'd argue and the police would come. Stress all over the place. I was also scared of humans because it all. I couldn't go to the store and get an ice cream twix without immense fear. The police made all those fears true. The theraist traumatized me I had flashback nightmares. I have lots of hate for her and am so glad she's old and I hope death doesn't spare her pain. I can't help it I never really needed to like anything besides food. Food is my best friend since I was 3 and music. But otherwise I can't find anything not to hate. People are so judgemental and think everyone lives that way. I just hate it and I hate that no one can listen to me like for me without knowing what they think already. It sucks no one can see the damage it's caused. Because there no marks it's gotten under my skin. I just feel like I wish I were something else. If no one gets it. She's a parasyte on my mind it has nothing to do with what she's physically able to do. It's mental pure mental. I was born handicap and I was far happier with physical than mental issues with social interaction......
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girlfromsocal Offline
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Re: abuse that hurts the soul... - January 10th 2012, 04:09 PM

anyone? At all?
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Re: abuse that hurts the soul... - January 11th 2012, 01:10 AM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry for the late reply.

Being abused and isolated is a very hard thing to go through and live with the memories as you grow older. However, it's important that now that you realize it IS the past. Even though you've been through hell and no one ever noticed, you can make it noticed now. You don't have to live like that anymore. You can change your life around. You CAN meet new people, you can feel loved. It's wonderful that you're talking about it here. Have you ever talked about it with a counselor?

What helped me with getting over the abuse I encountered was talking about it in therapy. I even wrote down what happened in poem form. Perhaps that could help you too?

You're not alone. A lot of people go through abuse - all different kinds - and some don't talk about it, some do. I encourage those to talk about it because if not, it'll haunt them and carry on. With you, I don't think it will because you're opening up; even if it's just a forum, it's a start!

I hope I helped. Again, I apologize for the late reply.

Feel free to PM me if you need further help/advice.

Take care,
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