how to not let it affect my future

[rrpurple]

hi
i've come to terms from what i can piece together from my childhood. I know my dad was violent with my and my older brother, and there are a few incidents that i can clearly remember. i didn't remember most of it until i found my journal from when i was 10&11 then i started to remember. I don't/didn't really consider verbal/emotional putdowns as abuse, but they do hurt. I know the verbal assaunts and the physical abuse i had from my dad, and the fact that my mom just stood over and did nothing to stop really hurt me. Now at 18 years old though, I'm at university and having a hard time trusting people. Also I feel like i live in a cloud because i have no idea what else might've happened that I dont remember.
i hate the way I always shut myself down with my feelings or my opinions, because it's what im used to. I never used to show my true self to my dad because I knew he'd just explode. I just have a really hard time trusting people. help?
also, i can't help but feel pity for my dad. i feel like i should be mad at him, for all the years of what he's done for me, but i just feel bad for him, like i'm the one that messed up and caused it to happen. because if you think about it, if i had done whatever he asked correctly then he wouldn't have gotten mad. ehh my logic.

[_InsignificantOther]

No matter what you do, at least you tried to do your best...it's not your fault that your dad takes his anger out on you because you didn't do something correctly. And yes verbal abuse is probably one of the worse abuse just because it causes you to think about the words and wonder if theyre true and the fact that you're mom didn't do anything is awful but then again she probably had no choice especially since he was abusive to her too and every one has trust issue some more than others but sometimes you just have to let your guard down in order to know what and what not to trust...but just take your time don't be to pushy but also don't be a pushover and remember EVERYONE messes up including you're dad so he shouldn't explode on you about everything, you are mature it's time to let him know that

[AlyDel]

I used to be the same way...putting myself down and putting others opinions before mine. But you can get over it. Finding a support group, or even just a couple friends who you really know and trust that you know you can call for anything. These friends should be the ones that can lift you up whenever you feel down.

And as the poster above me stated, everyone does mess up. You're dad messed up by getting upset with you when you did what he asked wrong. He should know that noone is perfect.