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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 09:14 PM

It's something that's been on my mind the past few nights and I think I'm ready to share. If at one point I seem to just stop telling about something that happened, just try and understand. I'm not usually this open about this topic. I'll be writing in a story-type form because...frankly, if I just tell you what happened I'd start to break down. This gives me a distance feeling and helps me talk about it more.

Some portions of this could be triggering and a bit too graphic to read. This will be my first and probably only long post! So read at your own will.


Five years old and headed over to my dad's to be with him and his witch girlfriend. She had 4 children. Three girls older than me and a boy, younger. I hated going. Cried every time I had to. The woman, Vivian, and I, never got along. She made me call her mom, or she wouldn't answer me. Over and over she would compare me to her children, who were "perfect".

One night while I was there, the two older girls were on the bottom bunk and me and the other girl were on the top. The boy slept in with my dad and Vivian. I fell asleep pretty quickly. But only to wake up to an odd feeling in the area that we never talk about.

For minutes I just lay there, trying to figure out if my pants are on or not. Wondering if I was allowed to move. I decided if I just lay there, if I don't react, then it will stop. But it didn't. It only became worse. Something cold touched me. I shivered. Now whatever was doing this to me knew I was awake. Reluctantly I opened my eyes. Not believing what I see, I lay my head back onto the pillow, wondering why girl, my step-sister, is doing such things to me.

She tells me to be quiet, so I am. Then I hear shuffling, my father. He's come to help me! Then I can go back to sleep! He stumbles in, tired in my young eyes, but most likely drunk. I do not see his face, but hear his hoarse, heavy breathing.

And soon I hear what sounds like his pants unzipping.

So...anyways. you guys get the point. He gets in on it. And then when they're done I pass out. Literally. I'm wondering why this is happening to me. I'm half asleep, so tired. Don't even really care. And it's over with so I go back to sleep.

I told my mom as soon as I got home. She called Child Protection Services. They do an examine and said my hymen was gone, but that could have resulted from me falling on my bike or something. Other than that, there was no proof. So they close the case.

But I go and see a counselor anyway and tell her everything. I show her on a doll what happened. She asks me to do this several times over the course of a few weeks, and I haven't seen my dad or anyone yet. I do the exact same thing over and over on the doll. So, my ocunselor tells my mom children who are lying usually do not repeat the actions over and over. They usually forget in what order things happened. So she says it is very likely something happened. Mom believes me.

Some weeks later, I meet with my dad. He's furious. And then suddenly I tell my mom I lied. I tell the counselor. And I apologize ot my dad. Case closed permanently.

Why did I do this? I honestly cannot remember. We think my father told me to lie. =/ I know I didn't lie...I know I didn't. So why did I lie by saying it didn't happen? A a part of me thinks it was because I was scared of losing my dad. I was a little girl, he was my world. I was daddy's little girl.

But...yeah. So there's that, though my mother still believes me when I say it happened.

So...blah. I'm not continuing on with the mom's side of the story part. Basics are, she was neglectful and abusive for a year when i was 9. She was drinking and taking drugs. That year was hell. I grew up alot that year. That's over now though. It doesn't bother me too much anymore. So, yeah. There's my life story.

Blah.
   
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 09:19 PM

oh my god thats awful.

Im so sorry that happened to you that must be eating you up. Its so much healthier to get it out in the open and i know that took some serious guts.

well done, and it wasnt your fault you said you lied, its a natural reaction to want to protect your parents.

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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 09:36 PM

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you were finally able to share your story with us and open up. Talking about things can be very healing. Bottling things up is never healthy so I am glad you were able to release some of your emotions regarding everything that went on. You were so young you probably didn't fully understand what this meant. I can understand lying and saying nothing happened out of fear and confusion. I am just sorry no one realized that this is what you were doing. Don't beat yourself up over recanting the story. You know the truth and that is what is important. Also, many people never have the courage to tell anyone about their abuse and you did right away. I am proud of you for not letting it continue. If you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me. I am never to busy to listen. I think what happened to you was awful and I hope you never have to go through anything like that again. Take care and hang in there.


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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 09:38 PM

Hey,

We've never spoken before, but that doesn't mean I'm not incredibly proud of you for sharing this with us. Talking about something as traumatic as this isn't easy in any way, being able to get it out is something you should really be proud of yourself for. No matter how much you say, every little step counts, you know? If you take it a step a day, sooner or later you'll have walked a mile. Not too long after, you'll have walked a marathon. Getting it out for the first time is the first step towards healing from the past because next time you decide to talk about it - yes, it's still going to be hard. But it won't be as hard. Each time makes you that much stronger, and strength is something that can't ever be taken away once acquired.

When CPS did the exam, do you know if they found any other evidence besides the fact your hymen was gone? Did they do a rape kit, do you know?

When it comes down to it, I don't think you should have met with your father after you reported what he did. It's understandable he would be angry and may even have told you to lie about what happened, in an attempt to save his own skin. Either way, I don't think your mum should have allowed you to see him, especially if she believed you. It would have been best to keep you away from him for a while..what's happened has happened though, there's no turning back time and I do believe everything happens for a reason, whether that reason is always clear or not.

You could have lied for any reason. You might have been scared or frightened by all that was going on - after all, you were five years old, just a little girl. This is a lot for anyone to handle, but especially a young child. When you're at such a young age, it's your parents you look up to most - the ones you learn from and see as your role models, the ones you know will take care of you and who you trust. When someone in a position of trust to you like your dad was, abuses that trust and hurts you like this - it can affect you emotionally. Suddenly, the boundaries were overstepped. Suddenly things changed. It's a lot to have processed at such a young age.

You said you think you were afraid of losing your dad - that could very well be it as well. He reacted with anger when he found out you'd reported what he'd done, that also could have frightened you. Again, it's a lot to handle at any age but especially when you're as young as five.

Like I said, I'm really proud of you for getting this out because I know it couldn't have been easy in any way. Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything, ok? Take good care of yourself and hang in there.



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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 09:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn. View Post


When CPS did the exam, do you know if they found any other evidence besides the fact your hymen was gone? Did they do a rape kit, do you know?

I honestly don't know. I have never really talked about it with my mom. All I know is that they did that and that's about all my mom would tell me. I don't remember the examination or meeting the counselor or any of that. I just remember what happened and then when my dad was angry at me.

And thank you for the replies. I'll reply to them at another time. I'm not feeling up to it right now, sorry.
   
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 1st 2009, 10:12 PM

Hey there,

I know we have never spoken, but I think you need to hear that you are incredibly brave for posting this. I am so proud of you for deciding to share your story with us, and am honored to be one to hear it.

What happened to you was horrible, and not your fault at all. You did not deserve to go through something like that, not at all. The people who did this to you are very sick, and I am so sorry that you were forced to go through this.

It's no wonder that you decided to lie about it later on; no little girl wants to lose her father, especially over something already so tragic. The most important thing is that we know you are telling the truth, as awful as it is; this happened. We believe you.

You are so, so strong; I admire you. If you would ever like to talk, please do not hesitate to contact me; I would love to listen.

Take care. <3


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 02:14 AM

Thank you guys very much for posting. This was...very hard for me. Even right now I just want to erase it all and pretend it didn't happen...but it did. I need to face it, and I haven't done that yet. I think subconsciously this has been affecting me all my life without me even realizing it.

Blah...I feel so crappy. =/ I love my dad and we hang out sometimes now, but I can't help but have this ginormous hate for him. And this makes me feel so...gross. It makes me NOT want to be pretty. You know?

I think this is partly why I hate girls. I automatically judge girls and find every reason possible to hate them. I've always had a low opinion of guys too.

Every word of this...is hard. =/ I really just don't know where to begin. Do I talk to my counselor? I've tried, but I just feel stupid talking about it. I try to talk to people about it, but I get too overwhelmed and change the subject. I'm just so miserable with all this. It's all I can think about anymore.
   
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 02:30 AM

Speaking with your counselor about this would be a good idea. If it would make you more comfortable, do you think you could bring a friend you trust with you? Someone who knows what happened? Talking about it will be hard but if there's someone there you're close with, someone you trust, you might feel a bit safer, a bit more comfortable..it might be a bit easier if you know you aren't alone.

If you change the topic every time you get overwhelmed...well, is that going to help any, do you think? Avoiding something, pushing it to the back of your mind, means it's just going to come back stronger when you have to face it. So yes, it may very well be overwhelming in the beginning and go at your own pace; don't do anything you're not comfortable doing. But sometimes you have to push your limits just a little bit in order to grow, if that makes sense? Take it slow and with someone you trust, and don't push yourself. But don't change the topic until you feel you absolutely can't keep talking about it anymore. Hiding from something doesn't make it go away.

If you aren't ok with seeing your dad, nothing says you have to, you know? You don't have to see him if you don't want to. You don't have to meet up with him or speak with him. But what's also important to realize is that it's ok to love him, just as it's ok to be angry with him. No one says there's any one certain way you have to feel about this, everyone reacts differently. Everyone feels differently.

You aren't stupid at all for talking about this, talking and getting it out there really does help. You deserve help as much as anyone else and support is invaluable when it comes to healing. You're not alone with any of this, there are people around you who'll help you every step of the way - whether it's your counselor, your mum, your friends, or us - as Jessi said, we believe you.



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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 02:38 AM

Hey. First of all I want to say well done on posting. I know how hard it can be, as my older brother did the same thing to me when I was five. I also denied it ever happened until just about a month ago, and I made a similar post. I think a part of me always believed it to be true, but I could never bring myself to really think about it. Since I started getting flashbacks about a month ago, I can hardly stand being in the same room as him. So just know that I know it's hard, but posting was a huge step.
If you ever want to talk about it, or anything for that matter, just send me a pm. I'd love to chat with you, since there's not many people who can relate.
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 01:07 PM

I'm so so sorry that happened to you. Its hard for you to open up and especially with something like this. You were little back then and no kid that age would know exactly what to do. And thats a horrible thing to have happen. That's something that you're not going to be able to get over completely, but you can at least heal some of those scars by posting and I'm proud that you were able to do that. It was hard for you to be able to post this, but I truely believe that you have the strength to talk with your counselor about this, because if you leave it deep inside, its just going to be a shawdow that keeps following you, and the only way you can make some of that pain go away is to take it head on. And you may not be able to do that today, but at some point, you have to and all of us here will support you until that happens. *hugs*
   
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 07:32 PM

Thanks guys. I don't see my counselor for another week or so, if I'm able to then. But yeah...I think I'll try and talk to her about it. I don't have any friends I talk to about this. They say I'm lying, even though my mom has said it's true.

Anyways, thanks everyone for reading and replying. Means a lot to me. I ddin't expect all these replies. So this really made me happy.
   
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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 2nd 2009, 07:58 PM

Hey Mystery,

I am glad to hear you are going to see a counselor. That is a really good positive step towards healing. I can't believe your friends are so uncaring. I want you to know that not a single one of us thinks you're a lier. Whats more is your mother believes you and I am sure she is an important person in your life. If you explain everything that happened to your counselor I am positive she will believe you as well. There are people who are understanding that can help you through this. You are not alone and you shouldn't have to feel that way. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about anything.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed when talking about difficult and traumatizing events. You can take things slowly at your own pace. The important thing is to slowly work through the overwhelming feeling and get everything out. It would be a good idea to tell your counselor if you start to feel overwhelmed because that way she can work with you to calm yourself down. She isn't there to judge you she is there to help you deal with and overcome what happened. Healing is possible but it does take effort.

Do you think seeing your dad makes you happier or more upset in general? Do you think your life is better with him still in your life? It is up to you wether you want to continue seeing him. This is something I might bring up with you counselor that way you both can make a decision on what is best for you. It is time to just think about yourself and what is going to help you feel better. It is hard not to love a family member even if they hurt us. It is okay to feel any mix of emotions towards your dad. It doesn't make you a bad person if you still love him and it doesn't make you bad if you hate his guts. You are allowed to feel whatever your feeling.

You are not stupid at all for opening up. In fact, it takes so much strength to do so and I am so proud of you already. I know you can do it. You can get the help you need and really begin to start the healing process. We are all here supporting you. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here to listen. Take care and stay strong.


Lots of love <3



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Re: So I Guess I want to tell my Story - April 3rd 2009, 02:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by soul View Post
Do you think seeing your dad makes you happier or more upset in general? Do you think your life is better with him still in your life?

I enjoy when we hang out usually. We just go out and talk and catch up and he buys me dinner or some clothes. So it's really cool...but I still have this unbearable hate for him. I get urges to lash out at him and start ripping him apart (mentally).

And since I've started to try and heal from this it's as if it's stirred up all these emotions I didn't have before. Like...it's been really hard for me lately to talk to people. I have this huge hate for people.

Thank you again, all of you, for posting. I just hope I can get this all worked out and figure out my emotions.
   
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