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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Exclamation Screw this . - July 10th 2012, 12:37 AM

Shit .

i'm probably going to cuss a lot because, at the moment, I have absolutely nothing to take my anger out on .
i wasnt sure where this goes cause its basically a huge mix of how fucked up i am... So i just put it here. Mental means mind right? well i'm losing mine.

I'M ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE!!!!

lets list all the fucking impurities about me, shall we?!

- I'm anorexic binge purge subtype.
Not only do i get to fucking HATE myself... I can't see right . all i see is fat when I'm underweight! I cant her a compliment at all! It gets fucked around with in my stupid iny brain! so... im blind and I'm deaf... AWESOME! right? yeah... NOT! i cant workout . i hate recovery. I feel like I'm being punished... My mom wakes me up at 5 in the morning just to eat breakfast. she doesnt trust me at all... I'm so close to relapse... I HATE THIS!! GRRRR!!! i wish my parents had never found out! I wish i had control again!!

- my therapist... Thinks i'm insane!! She wants me on all these drugs and shit... UGH.

- i'm OCD. Fun right? goes hand in hand with anorexia ... But it sucks. I am SO germaphobic... I've literally washed my hands until I've bled. I have to be fucking balanced ALL the time! which is a chore... and talk about control issues! It's pretty fucking messed up how much I NEED control.

- Depression. I've probably had depression my whole life. I first tried to kill myself when i was ten. Thing is, i was 10. I took a bunch of [Edited] and thought it would work. I got a stomach ache... WOOPDIGODDAMNDIDOO!

- anxiety. I can't stop moving around.

- and... Theres a whole bunch of shit happening with a guy! UGH!!!!! boys screw with my head way too much. It's like I let people get inside my head and just do whatever they want! I can't respect myself at all...

- i cut myself . 3 months of struggling and struggling not to... Gone.


I am in SO much pain right now. I cant even explain it i just...

I don't know what to do. I know "be strong. hold on." but...

I'm TIRED of being strong!
I think i post on here a lot... Maybe cause i'm so damn messed up... And I don't want to hate on teenhelp... I love you guys!! but it seems like i get the same advice... To just be strong and keep fighting.

But I'm tired !!


tired of people screwing with me.
tired of people using me.
tired of falling without reason.
tired of letting people hurt me.
tired of beginning to trust.
tired of messing up my life.
tired of being insecure.
tired of letting people walk all over me
tired of being in pain.
tired of not respecting myself
tired of the hate
tired of the tears
tired of the heartache
tired of *the pain
tired of being hurt
tired of being lied to
tired of being a joke
tired of crying
tired of lying
tired of being scared
tired of being brave
tired of alone
tired of being with others
tired of hating myself
tired of hating my life
tired of pushing people away
tired of letting them in
tired of pangs in my stomach
tired of feeling full
tired of the guilt*
tired of being worried about
tired of people not caring*

i'm tired of this life... and I'm a little scared... Because I have done so much to get here, and i... I think i might just go over the edge tonight.

[Edited]

I dont know if... If anyone out there cares. I doubt it. But i need help... I know that. i need help NOW! i need someone to hold me and tell me what to do because i just... i CAN'T do this. i cant exist this way.


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection

Last edited by PSY; July 11th 2012 at 02:01 AM. Reason: Removed specific drug and mention of suicide to avoid triggering others.
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Screw this . - July 10th 2012, 12:57 AM

I think your mom should be more understanding of your ED and maybe she can get you the help you need for your ED (such as an like a place where you live and they help you with your ED) and I think you should maybe find a new therapist.

You need to try to stop your SH and talk to a loving, caring trusted adult, such as a best friend, teacher, therapist, parent.

Don't kill yourself, think want happen if you did and think of what your best friends, parents, aunts, uncles, etc will be missing you a lot and then you are showing that killing yourself is a good thing with getting rid of the pain, but its not ending the pain, its bringing more pain for the people that knew you and they would be way too upset.

Stop and think of what your doing. Think, this is not the end, people love you very much! All of us here on TH and your parents love you very much too.



"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb, it's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone."- Linkin Park, Easier to run

"When the nightmares take me, I will scream with the howling wind." Owl City, Lonely Lullaby

   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Screw this . - July 10th 2012, 07:33 PM

Hey, so has your therapist explained what medications she feels you should be on?

Think about it this way, OCD and Anxiety usually go hand-in-hand, since OCD is an Anxiety-related condition. Medication can be a great way to manage Anxiety, as well as Depression. Perhaps your therapist can recommend some Anti-Depressant/Anti-Anxiety drugs (a lot of them are combined for both uses, since Depression and Anxiety commonly co-exist as well) to talk to your GP about (since you'd need your GP to prescribe).

Next, you're not "insane". There are many people with various mental health issues. You're almost calling me, along with many other TeenHelp users, "insane". You have some mental health issues, but so do I, and so do others. These things are NOT your fault, so you shouldn't feel bad about the issues you've struggled with,

My advice, honestly, would be to try and get on a medication for the Anxiety and Depression, since you should only need 1 medication for both (if your therapist and/or GP find the right medication for you). Honestly, the medication idea is only being suggested in your best interests, to help you manage your Anxiety, OCD, and Depression issues. May as well try it out and see if it helps, right?


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: Screw this . - July 11th 2012, 12:24 AM

i just don't want to be on medication. I don't want to... CHANGE! I don't want to turn into a different person! I wan't to be me! i don't want medication to take away my identity.


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Re: Screw this . - July 11th 2012, 01:37 AM

You've probably heard some horror stories about medications changing who one is. Let me help to dispel these beliefs.

I'm on a medication probably stronger than anything they'd put you on. My medication is a Mood Stabilizer/Anti-Psychotic, and I take a fairly large dose for Bipolar Disorder. Despite taking a pretty big dose of my medication, I haven't changed as a person. I haven't become a zombie, not even close. I feel better than I did before medication, and my boyfriend has even noticed a difference.

My moods are BETTER, my hallucinations are GONE, and I feel GREAT. That's because I had a psychiatrist, and my GP, working with me on finding the right medication. I lucked out with my first medication I was started on, but sometimes it takes trying more than one medication to find the one that works for you. Remember, medication isn't supposed to make you feel worse, and you should feel comfortable with your diagnostic process.

Also, has the therapist mentioned the idea of CBT? It's Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and is known for helping Depression, Anxiety, and OCD by teaching coping skills, mindfulness, etc. to help you with little to no medication. That might be a more suitable option, or at least something to try instead of medication, if you're really concerned.

Just remember, whatever option you choose, YOU should be comfortable with your treatment, and YOU should have a voice to ask questions, make suggestions, etc. with your mental health care.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
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Re: Screw this . - July 11th 2012, 02:13 AM

Like Julz said, taking medication doesn't mean you'll turn into a "zombie," or that you'll lose a large piece of your identity (unless you consider "anorexic," "depressed," "OCD," "anxious," etc. to be large pieces of your identity). I worked with patients who suffered from schizophrenia, so I DO know what SOME medications can do to a person, if they are kept on a high dosage for prolonged periods of time. I have also seen my former stepmother (who had bipolar disorder) go through phases where she "didn't care" anymore or "didn't feel creative" due to the effects of her medication. Thanks to constant communication with her psychiatrist, though, she was able to change the combinations/dosages of her medications and get rid of those feelings.

If you don't feel you have a good connection with your therapist - get a new one, preferably someone who has experience with eating disorders, anxiety disorders, AND working with teens. It's natural for people to distrust their therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists at first, but with time, that psychological professional should be able to demonstrate they are trustworthy and working in your best interests. If you have been with this person for a few months, and you're still not feeling it, there's nothing wrong with asking for a referral to someone else.

I get that you're tired of people telling you to "be strong and keep fighting." I went through a difficult time a few months ago, and that's pretty much all the people around me said. It ticked me off! For once in my life, I wanted to "let go" and stop being the responsible person who always put in the time and effort, but still felt stuck afterward. It IS a lot of work to keep eating right, avoid purging, and deal with everything else on top of that. I'm sorry if some of the comments on here have seemed dismissive of that. Unfortunately, that's really all you can do. You are smack dab in the middle of recovery. You could go either way at this point - continuing to improve and reach your goals, or suffering from a relapse. In a sense, the latter would be a much easier option, as it requires less effort and forces other people to take control of your life. That's the problem with relapses, though: you lose control over your own life. If you aren't in control of your life, then there's no guarantee you'll be able to strive for whatever it is you want out of life. Oftentimes, people with anorexia want control - so I imagine, as tired as you are, that the idea of losing your freedom altogether due to a relapse has been enough to keep you going for some time. I hope you will keep going, and realize that when people tell you to "be strong and keep fighting," they realize just how difficult it is to make that choice every day to be strong and keep fighting.





   
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Re: Screw this . - July 13th 2012, 07:50 AM

You're a gymnast, right?

Gymnastics is the only sport that demands perfection.

It is also the only sport that teaches you to fly!

Life's a bit like that.
It demands so, so much of you - it feels like it constantly takes and never gives.

But when you learn to work with your disabilities/illnesses/etcetera, that's when you get the freedom people talk about. That's where you harness the hurt and turn it into passion. It's where success is the top of the mountain, but you know there's a valley before the next mountain.

Life is NOT consistent. You have good times, and you have times where it throws you a massive fucking curveball and all you want to do is relapse.

The important thing to realise, is that medication doesn't change who you are. The right medication simply allows you to live your life the way you want to.

You wouldn't compete without strapping a sprained or broken ankle; why would you choose to live a life where you let the negatives take over? Medication and therapy - it's your handguards, it's your strapping tape, it's your foam pit. When you're learning how to live with this stuff, you have to accept help.

When you were a lower level gymnast, you would have accepted your coach spotting you through new skills. In fact, you would have understood the necessity in order to prevent injury and perform the skill properly.

Allow yourself to receive help. If you continue to pressure yourself like this, you're going to stay tired. And clearly, that's NOT what you want.

And finally, from the walls of clubs everywhere:

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
   
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gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: Screw this . - July 14th 2012, 01:36 AM

But i'm NOTHING without these ... issues. My anorexia, my SH, my ocd, my depression, my anxiety... it's who i am! That's WHAT i am!! and if medication takes that away... who am i? A gymnast. A low level, non-competing gymnast... I'm not allowed to compete at nearly as high a level as i was ... at this point, my dream of going to worlds one day is pretty much shattered. I want SO bad to go and be on the national team and i want to go to worlds... But i don't think i'll ever get there.
so i'm nothing now but anorexic, or ocd, or depressed and anxious and hurting myself...

i just dont want to be... I dont want to be this way, but i want my identity and this IS my identity!!


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Re: Screw this . - July 14th 2012, 07:15 AM

There's a video on YouTube (which I can never find because I don't know what it's called) that shows a gymnast who quite literally died as a result of anorexia.

You want to compete and go to worlds? GREAT! Stop holding yourself back.
Bodies and brains both need feeding, and you know that.

Sometimes it can feel like your entire persona is tied up in your illnesses - I know for a long time I could only see myself as depression and self-harm - weirdly enough I was about the same age as you when it was happening. But you're more than that, so much more!

You have goals and things you want to achieve, and you want to be in control of things - you just happen to be choosing to gain control in a maladaptive manner.

As far as the anorexia goes, I've never experienced an eating disorder. But I have seen a gymnast banned from competing until she started eating again. She was incredibly talented. She was also 10. She wanted to win, so she had to eat. Once she got it through to herself that nutrition was going to be a part of what made her successful, she trained better. And competed better.

You need to gain control of things like being able to eat. And it's going to be so hard for you, but ultimately, it will help you achieve your goals. You'll be able to think more clearly, and you'll be able to train more purposefully because your body will actually have energy available to train with. Your coaches will SEE the difference, and you'll get to move up levels like you want to.

OCD, depression, and anxiety are all linked so far as treatment goes. There's often a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Being involved in psychotherapy gives you a chance to build a person who is more than the illnesses - you'll spend time working on values, on goals, on coping mechanisms - and you'll get to see what a healthy version of yourself is capable of.

It's quite natural to push against getting help, especially in the early stages. It's also hard to think of yourself as somebody who doesn't have to live with these difficulties. But taking that first step, and getting that help - is totally worth it.

You are, fortunately, at an age where any damage you have done to your potential as a gymnast - is reversible. Which means that, even though you don't think it's possible at the moment, in a few years, hey, it's totally possible for you to make the national team. As they say, if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

I think you should sit down with a piece of paper, and fill it with words that describe you. Positive, negative, random, anything - as long as it relates to you. Then I want you to get a black marker and a yellow high-lighter. With the black marker, cross out all the negative words. With the yellow high-lighter, high-light all the positive words. All the high-lighted things on the page - that is who you are. The negatives are part of you, but you can't let them define you. Define yourself as somebody MORE, somebody worth taking care of, and somebody who deserves to achieve their goals.
   
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Re: Screw this . - July 14th 2012, 01:30 PM

Hey!!! Don't feel down! Your a very lovely person! And you've given me some really great tips to help my friend!
I'm sorry it's so hard for you, and you most definatley deserve better!

Okay, That is who you are! ED, SH etc.. Do not make you.. You! Your personality does!!

But you'll get there!! I promise!


And I've seen it in the flights of birds
I've seen it in you the entrails of the animals
The blood running through, but in order to get to the heart
I think sometimes you'll have to cut through, but you can't

We will carry
We will carry you there

Just keep following
The heartlines on your hand
Just keep following
The heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can
Just keep following
The heartlines on your hand 'cause I am

Last edited by Heartlines; July 14th 2012 at 01:36 PM.
   
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Re: Screw this . - July 15th 2012, 11:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by gymnastxxLeah View Post
But i'm NOTHING without these ... issues. My anorexia, my SH, my ocd, my depression, my anxiety... it's who i am! That's WHAT i am!! and if medication takes that away... who am i?
Leah,

I don't know you at all, but I can ASSURE that whoever you are, you are not "anorexia, SH, OCD, depression and anxiety or even a gymnast".

From the little I know u, which is, VERY VERY LITTLE, I'd say You are a girl who does gymnastics and MANY OTHER THINGS, who gives good advice, who has a nice way of writing, who is able to let herself be helped and is fighting a lot of stuff and is capable of shouting her mental stuff, as crazy as it may seem, to a lot of people in this forum instead of just letting these thoughts eat her brains up. You are also undergoing a terrible situation which you think it's lasting too long to hold on. And it's normal. You've got a fuckin eating disorder which is always linked to anxiety and depression and obsessive behaviour. All together is a fatal cocktail sometimes makes you want to disappear and stop suffering. I know.

I'm not going to tell you to be strong, because we all know being strong is not enough. But I think you are in the right way, by what I read, and these fallings are "normal" in the path towards being better. These days suck and are unbearable, and all I can tell you is:

1. Thank you, for the advice and the opinions you've given here. Most of them have been helpful, at least for me, and have make me feel I'm less alone.
2. I'm with you. You can write to me or whatever u need any time. I probably can't take your pain out of you, but I can at least be there.

Take care
   
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gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: Screw this . - July 15th 2012, 04:27 PM

Okay ... I wanna thank everyone.

Christy Henrich... a judge told her to lose weight. died of anorexia. i think she was only 22.
karen carpenter... Died of anorexia.
Two AMAZING people fell to this .
And although i'm not nearly as fabulous as christy henrich, or as amazingly talented and karen carpenter... I don't want to be the next potential star to fall to this mind-poinsoning disease. Staying strong isn't enough! it's not! All I can do is wait this out. All I can do is wait for this to simmer down. Because it's going to fight me. And I'm not going to waste my energy fighting it off. i'm going to just wait for it to go away. Because eventually, it always does.


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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