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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mountain Offline
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Name: Alex
Gender: Female

Posts: 1
Join Date: August 2nd 2012

I genuinely need some help. - August 2nd 2012, 04:54 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Lately in my life it has come to my realization that perhaps I am unable to fix myself alone, or at least in the manner I have been trying.
Quick summary of what has brought me to this point: as a child I experienced various forms of abuse (verbal, physical, and my least favorite, sexually) and I never have truly sat down and talked about any of the incidents and their effects on me. Even now I don't think I'd want to talk about it. So i suppose this led me to cutting, the god-awful low self esteem I carry with me today and anorexia/bulimia. However, within the past year i have miraculously recovered, with my last cutting relapse no less than 2 months ago, and achieving an average weight for a girl my age (though I am currently surpassing this).
Unfortunately, now, I'm finding myself with new problems, old feelings and a negative outlook.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a boy who has never been involved in drugs, alcohol, law, etc. he is the perfect christian boy (but not too perfect, just right for me!) He makes me so happy but I am concerned for his well being and my own
My problem now is that I have found drugs and have easy access to them at all times. I have gained pounds upon pounds in the past year because I filled every void with food. I feel like I am constantly eating. And despite being utterly happy with my boyfriend, I find myself wishing myself to death at night and constantly feeling worthless. I have the worst bouts of anger and often lash out at people or the objects around me. I CONSTANTLY am desiring cigarettes and hoping to god maybe I'll be allowed to smoke just one pack. I get stressed over nothing and am SO terrified that because of my unstable emotions, my friends will all leave me high and dry. It makes me sick to my stomach. Add onto the top a deep loathing for myself as a being, and you have the sometimes excitable but mostly stoned or unhappy me.
I have been told often by my boyfriend and close friends that I should seek help from a professional but this simply is not something that I feel will do me any justice, as, with past experiences, I find myself completely unwilling to talk. I need to know how I can deal with drugs and being sad without instantly medicating the problem. I need to know how to pull myself through this school year and the next without killing myself with food.
Ultimately, I know that a part of me will always be sad because my brain has never been truly functional. That is okay with me because medication may be a better option then, or perhaps I will live happily but right now i need a quick fix (if that is possible) to being sad more than half the time (that does not involve smoking or snorting any substances).
I feel like a shit friend and a shit girlfriend and I am sick of always rolling back from a good day into a shit mood. I am sick of being a jealous and clingy girlfriend to a boy who has shown me nothing but loyalty and honesty. I don't want my boyfriend to doubt our relationship because I can't hold a smile for more than a day.
I want to be more stable but I feel like everyone is sick of having me around. I just need to know if full recovery is possible because, honestly, it looks like a bunch of b.s. to me. The only time I feel unharmed is on drugs and I am sick of putting my boyfriend through my shit. He deserves better but he still thinks I am the bee's knees.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like laying in bed all day would cause less damage.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Location: England

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Re: I genuinely need some help. - August 3rd 2012, 12:48 PM

hey sweet herat before reading my answer after you have looks at my answer could you answer my qustion in relationships and dateing thanks sweetie anyway. never they yourself down no matter what i think if you seek advice from a doctor it would help you ! i know its hard but you have a loveing bf there and hes gonna be there for you no matter what theres nothing anyone over teehelp an do to help you as much as i have or live helpwill or helplink what ever you use the dotor will help you the most xxxxxxxxx good luck i love youxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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