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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
GreenEyedGirl Offline
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Unhappy Not Happy With Myself, Any Advice? - August 5th 2012, 10:23 AM

First off, Iím a 17-year-old female. I just figured that might be important. Also I'm not totally sure if this is the right category...


Okay so I know I have a fairly good life. At the moment I donít have any real problems. I live with my three brothers, one sister, and my mother. We live in an apartment (albeit a crappy one), my mother has a job working in fast food and one of my brothers works at WalMartÖ right now itís pretty fair. But why canít I seem to just get rid of this deep sadness? I never knew my father and by what Iíve been told he was a real jerkÖ but I honestly wish I had a father. Just someone who would be there for me to talk to maybe? I donít really feel comfortable talking about my personal feelings to really anyone else. Not even my sister who Iím very, very, very close toÖ or my mother who I love to death. I never told them that when Iím just sitting there doing nothing I canít help but feel sad.

I hate how I just want to curl up inside myself and just stay there in my own personal world. Staying away from all the things that I donít like or that bore me. I want to live in my own world forever. But I know I canít. Itís so aggravating how sometimes I just want to curl into a ball crying and screaming.

Well the thing is Iím keeping secrets from the people I love. They donít know all about me, they donít know what Iíve done or the things I really regret doingÖ they donít know my, how would you put itÖ dirty secrets? Okay maybe one of my brothers knows one thing Iíve done that I wish I didnít but then again we never actually talk about it. Heís never even mentioned the crap we did when we were kids.

This is going to be long but hey, I felt the need to get everything off my chest and possibly have some help? Ah, I probably know what people are going to say. I need to see a therapist. But honestly we donít have any money to pay for that. So unless thereís something a medical card can cover I would love it if I got advice on how to deal with this without that. But anywayÖ

When I was a lot younger I canít remember how young but it was before I was 5 years old, me and this kid ended up kissing behind these bushes near my house. We were fully clothed and everything and he had been lying on top of me. It was just sort of kid stuff, I guess? But then we moved and when I was five or six, Iím not really sure, I started messing around with this other kid. He was about four and a half years older than myself and he and I ended up kissing and stuff and then one time my brother came to this park behind our house with me. The guy and his sister were there so my brother and the guyís sister went into the bathroom and did something, Iím not sure, and then came out and dared me and the guy to go in and touch genitals (yeah Iím embarrassed to even type that). So we did, there was no penetration or anything justÖ touching. And then from that day we would kiss occasionally before he turned into a jerk and my brother chased him off (the same one who messed around with the kidís sister).

So Iím just assuming these were kid things? I would like to know if thatís not something that kids doÖ could you let me know? Iím honestly very unsure of these things because I really never actually told anyone about this. But then as I got older, I think I was nine or ten, when my friendís father ended up staying with my friend and myself in her bed. He started touching my bottom and rubbing me from behind while we were laying there (I tried to just pretend I was asleep but then I tried to pull the covered around me when I felt hisÖ thing pressed against my back). I never actually told anyone about this either. No one, actuallyÖ my friend knew but she just brushed it off as nothing.

Iíve had anxiety since I was young too. Separation anxiety I suppose it was called. So I never liked going to school. I went to school at the same place but in fourth and fifth grade we moved and I had to go to a new school. Needless to say I didnít handle that well and my anxiety began to get the better of me. But once I left elementary school and into middle school I just totally lost myself. I couldnít go to school. I went only three days before my mother ended up pulling me out and home schooling me via the internet.

Although I never had any problems with people in general nor did I have any problems with talking in front of people I just never really liked talking to other people. I didnít want to get to know people, and I preferred to stay by myself (at recess in elementary school being the main thing). And I hated when people would come up to me and try to talk to me. I guess I hate people feeling sorry for me. I really hate when people look at me and judge me because I donít have a father or I canít afford expensive clothes. Not because Iím self-conscious itís just that I hate that they probably are feeling sorry for me.

Itís difficult for me to show affection toward other people. Really anyone. I mean Iíll hug my sister or mother or tell them I love them but other then that I really hate saying, ďoh I love youĒ to anyone, even the friends that I slowly phased out of my life. So Iím not really interacting with other people, other then my family of course. I just have no urge to go out and be social. I donít really care about not having friends but I hate when people point it outÖ

Also I hate sleeping because I know that Iíll be missing out on stuff yet I love to sleep and if I could I would just sleep all day. But then I only get about 5 or so hours of sleep every night because I just cannot stand not being up.

But probably the one thing that I hate mostÖ is that I canít seem to most of the time laugh honestly or smile. I mean I might think something it amusing or even funny but when I laugh half (more then half actually) of the time itís faked as are the smiles. I might be happy but I donít smile or laugh unless Iím around other people and I know Iím supposed to. Iíve gotten really good at faking my smiles and laughs and not even my family know that itís usually faked.

SoÖ should I just wait until I get older and am able to have money to pay for a therapist? Is there something else I can do? My family isnít one that shows emotions like this to each other or really talk deeply so there is no way I would feel comfortable talking to them about all of this. But Iím just posting this because I really hate how I have become now. I mean as a whole person, the person who people see and people know Iím happy with but not the person on the insideÖ if that makes sense.
   
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MikeG Offline
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Re: Not Happy With Myself, Any Advice? - August 5th 2012, 04:51 PM

Hey, actually talking to people about your current life situation is great. I finally did it too yesterday and it felt like I got a load off my chest.

We're both pretty similar in this search of some answers and the most important thing to do is to keep asking questions until you find an answer like you did when you reached the conclusion that you hate being felt sorry for. By asking these questions you'll get to know what you really think of things and understand why you behave like you do.

You don't need to hate yourself for your situation. Hating yourself only brings up more conflicts. Instead try to improve the situation. You already did it with your financial situation! Your income isn't that high, but what did you do? You gave it less attention and put it in a dark corner where it couldn't bother you. If you can do it with such an important issue, you can do it with the rest of your life.

I didn't quite understand if you have close friends, because you only talked about your family, but I'll just ask you this: Do you dislike talking to people? Or do you dislike talking to people who assume that you're inferior? If you like talking to your mother then I'm sure there are people like her in this world aswell that you could get along with. How to find them? I would suggest first getting to know people online like here on this website or in sites like omegle.com where you're not facing the people. When you finally feel comfortable talking to people, getting to know them before judging them, then try to shift it to real life. I guess that your unsatisfaction with friendships come from the fact that you have a limiting belief. Do you always assume that people talk to you, because they pity you? If so, change this belief immediately. It will affect your life in an extremely negative way. CHange it to: People come talk to me, because I'm special. Is it a lie? No, everybody is unique and when people talk with each other they are interested in each others uniqueness.

Everybody has their secrets. The differences lies on whether you can live with them without them bothering you or not. Your past experiences are traumatizing to some extent, but you seem to be handling them fine. That's good! Share your feelings with people who you can choose never to say again in your life like people in forums or anonymous chat rooms like omegle.com and you'll become more relaxed about them and will be able to explore them and really understand why you do the things you do.

My advice to you is to take care of yourself by opening up more. Whether it's with your family, with people on the forums, heck even with me, you'll feel better. The human race is based on communication. Wouldn't not making use of it be a thoughtless waste?

Best wishes to you!
Mike
   
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kiuncci Offline
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Re: Not Happy With Myself, Any Advice? - August 8th 2012, 01:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeG View Post
Hey, actually talking to people about your current life situation is great. I finally did it too yesterday and it felt like I got a load off my chest.

We're both pretty similar in this search of some answers and the most important thing to do is to keep asking questions until you find an answer like you did when you reached the conclusion that you hate being felt sorry for. By asking these questions you'll get to know what you really think of things and understand why you behave like you do.

You don't need to hate yourself for your situation. Hating yourself only brings up more conflicts. Instead try to improve the situation. You already did it with your financial situation! Your income isn't that high, but what did you do? You gave it less attention and put it in a dark corner where it couldn't bother you. If you can do it with such an important issue, you can do it with the rest of your life.

I didn't quite understand if you have close friends, because you only talked about your family, but I'll just ask you this: Do you dislike talking to people? Or do you dislike talking to people who assume that you're inferior? If you like talking to your mother then I'm sure there are people like her in this world aswell that you could get along with. How to find them? I would suggest first getting to know people online like here on this website or in sites like omegle.com where you're not facing the people. When you finally feel comfortable talking to people, getting to know them before judging them, then try to shift it to real life. I guess that your unsatisfaction with friendships come from the fact that you have a limiting belief. Do you always assume that people talk to you, because they pity you? If so, change this belief immediately. It will affect your life in an extremely negative way. CHange it to: People come talk to me, because I'm special. Is it a lie? No, everybody is unique and when people talk with each other they are interested in each others uniqueness.

Everybody has their secrets. The differences lies on whether you can live with them without them bothering you or not. Your past experiences are traumatizing to some extent, but you seem to be handling them fine. That's good! Share your feelings with people who you can choose never to say again in your life like people in forums or anonymous chat rooms like omegle.com and you'll become more relaxed about them and will be able to explore them and really understand why you do the things you do.

My advice to you is to take care of yourself by opening up more. Whether it's with your family, with people on the forums, heck even with me, you'll feel better. The human race is based on communication. Wouldn't not making use of it be a thoughtless waste?

Best wishes to you!
Mike
I totally agree with what MarkG has been said, that we are all unique in terms of everything, we may have some similarities but that's not enough because no one has been born to be almost the same even to those who have their twins, however I was supposed to be the first to answer this but the heck is that I just got an access now for this site, but I feel better now before I can now have access here.

Let me start, I grew up with a single mom; I know the feeling of wanting to live with a father. Some people were judging me too for not having a father, one of them was my cousin in law, heís too rude for that, I know he is too old for that, that he should be already understood that I am not like someone he thinks of. He (cousin in law) said that I am like this because I grew up without a father, for me its offensive in my part. Heís been comparing me to others that mislead their live. I donít think so, Iím not into that thing. I used to ignored and be quiet for what heíd been said because I knew he will never listen to my explanation. I just donít want troublesome regarding such thing.

It usually hurt me when others misjudging me despite of Iím doing everything to be good. Iím not kind of who misjudge others, Iím one of who will understand everything in the way that I can though it might be hard to be understood sometimes.

Just like you, when I was younger I used to be on my own world, it used to be my own room. I do not even want to go out; Iím not that kind of person. Because of it mostly has been said that Iím killjoy, for I didnít have the guts to talk with others too. I am lack of confidence to socialize to others due to what was happening Iím afraid of being rejected. Theyíd all rejected me when I was talking with them, thatís why I end up being silence.


Me too, good at keeping secrets as you, I do not let them know what Iíve been feeling due to the I know theyíre not fond of talking nor understanding me. Some secrets arenít seemed to reveal and I know that, for some reason. Think of it, not all are worth knowing of the truth and I know that because not all people are as good as you might see them, we cannot know what were running in their mind so be aware of whom you are trusting with your secrets.


Well, some kids have that curiosity I thought, but thatís not what usually kids do. I knew the feeling of you canít tell anyone of your secrets, a lot of people weíre not trustworthy, just like what happened to me, I was betrayed by a girl whom I trusted the most. I really canít believe sheíd betray me. I realized that before you trust someone be sure that he / she must be worthy to trust. I know it was really hard to trust nowadays, but Iím sure there were some whoís been trustworthy. As of now, I only trust God, for He was the only One who never betrayed me, I believe in Him, in Him, I seek happiness that I canít feel in others, I feel safe in Him. Heís my everything, my strength.

I believe thereís no difference between going to neither school nor homeschooled. After all theyíre both same in their goal which is TO LEARN. Same as you, I never like talking to other people, especially when itís not needed. Iím just like you when I younger, didnít want to be with somebody, would prefer to be alone, because with that no one would probably feel sorry for me. I hate that too, when other feel sorry for me, I do not need it, what I need is their presence to understand and accept me for what I am without misjudging me for what I am.

Well, unlike you I really donít have the guts to say those words with my family probably with my mom nor to give her a hug. I donít have the guts to show them my affection. Lucky for you, that you can show it to them even in a simple way. I usually write down those things I canít say in front of people. I usually write down thoughts I want others to know about me. Iíve been doing that since high school when started to write journal. I honestly didnít get enough attention to it until I became college. Now, Iím graduate, with associative degree. I realized that no matter how educated you, no matter how popular your school is, it is useless when you didnít appreciate the true essence of life; and what's the use of being highly educated if you cannot respect others and to yourself as well?


I am having problems at sleeping too, it is really hard for me to sleep sometimes I really donít have time to sleep no matter how I tried to. But they said, I must chance my routine and tried my best to battle my insomnia.

Youíre not alone with that, sometimes I fake to laugh nor smile too for I donít have the guts to say Iím in pain nor I really donít know what words to define the pain Iíve felt. I knew we do it for some certain reasons, one of them is we hate other people feeling being sorry for us and another is we donít want them to suffer too. I knew it was easily to fake our smiles or laugh for others to quit asking what weíre feeling / experiencing. I knew this, because when I tell them the truth they wouldnít get my point despite of I clearly state it to them and it pissed me off.


Honestly we do not need money for that but if you think like youíre not comfortable at saying these things to other people but only with therapist then why not? I know what we need, we need someone who can understand and listen to us, a shoulder to lean on. I am just here if you need someone to talk privately. I love helping other people by giving advice for several years.


No matter how ready you were, surely you'll get hurt when something happens was unexpected to you, even when you say nothing at all.

There are a lot of things you can discover about something/someone but even only few is enough if you have a better understanding to know what's behind those you already knew...

As long as you have a heart you can love, but you cannot love unless you did it with your heart.


Forgive, Forget
Found True Love in the Lord, our God
   
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