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girlfromsocal Offline
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does this sound crazy? - September 13th 2012, 11:34 PM

I have been at this center for troubled individuals. When socializing no matter who it was with I was a blank sheet. I find that everywhere I go. There it was ok because everyone was messed up I could talk about how fucked up they were. But I'm like I've always felt there was no one inside of me. It's kind of how I stayed out of destroying myself. I'm a being that eats and sleeps and wants more of that. But I have no direction. And I am nobody inside myself. I don't mind being a bad person. I just mind if that gets in the way of being successful. I hated myself when I was young but now I can't be broken. I'm like a wall and I look down on everyone else for having feelings and beimg so weak. Is this crazy or sign of a mental illness?
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 12:03 AM

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Originally Posted by girlfromsocal View Post
I have been at this center for troubled individuals. When socializing no matter who it was with I was a blank sheet. I find that everywhere I go. There it was ok because everyone was messed up I could talk about how fucked up they were. But I'm like I've always felt there was no one inside of me. It's kind of how I stayed out of destroying myself. I'm a being that eats and sleeps and wants more of that. But I have no direction. And I am nobody inside myself. I don't mind being a bad person. I just mind if that gets in the way of being successful. I hated myself when I was young but now I can't be broken. I'm like a wall and I look down on everyone else for having feelings and beimg so weak. Is this crazy or sign of a mental illness?
I'm exactly the same regarding that bolded bit. It's almost as if going through the issues I've been through has completely desensitized me to stuff which used to effect me. Is this a good thing? I don't know.

Back on topic, I'd say that's pretty normal. Definitely not a mental illness of any sorts. You sound pretty apathetic, if anything. From Wikipedia...

"Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life."

Nothing to worry about in the slightest. Maybe some counselling could work wonders but it's not needed IMO. I'm very similar and I can't see any problems.
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 12:12 AM

I hated myself because of what people would tell me. And they were always saying I made a horrible life for myself. They were the only ones I knew eventually I found out I made it through and I realized I loved how I could adapt to anything and not break. When I hear people go through bad things I have no compassion towards them I feel satisfied I'm better. That through pressure I can go away go to sleep stay online scream when it gets too bad and look forward to my best friend food I have a high metabolism so my friendship with food has never let me down not even in appearance. I'm young I always knew it couldn't last forever. The police always hate me. It's because I think my face yes my face. I have an expression that looks like I want to start a fight. When that's really never come across my mind. So they always make things worst. I've never roken the law yet I've gotten habdcuffed and thrown in the back of a police car for saying I was trying to runaway from my rapist and I was too scared to talk. I have been threatened several times and placed in different places I got myself out of because when you talk to me I seem like I'm ok if you listen and don't watch. It rarely ever stuck. But throughout the hard times I've been able to disappear. Inside thoug there's nothing. And that's why it's so easy to disappear. I personally have no one in my life and on the inside I feel nothing. I only feel success a need to be my best but that's all. I've always been empty since I was a little child. I have a bigger ego as I grow up I know I shouldn't because of karma but I tend to....
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 12:13 AM

I wasn't done....
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 12:40 AM

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Originally Posted by Pyromania View Post
Back on topic, I'd say that's pretty normal. Definitely not a mental illness of any sorts. You sound pretty apathetic, if anything. From Wikipedia...

"Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life."

Nothing to worry about in the slightest. Maybe some counselling could work wonders but it's not needed IMO. I'm very similar and I can't see any problems.
Really? Apathy is "normal"? Empathy is what allows human beings to survive. Because we empathize, we are willing to help people when they are struggling. I realize not everyone (like the OP, and possibly yourself) grew up with a nurturing family, loving friends, trustworthy adults, etc. For the majority of people, though, they grow up learning the importance of relying on others. As we grow older, it's natural to rely less on others and become independent, self-sufficient adults. That's not the same thing as becoming apathetic, though, and there is absolutely nothing "normal" about it.

Now, back to the OP. No, you don't sound "crazy." I wouldn't call anyone with a mental illness "crazy." People may have psychotic episodes or have maladaptive ways of thinking, but that's not the same thing as being "crazy." It sounds like you've dealt with some incredibly difficult situations, starting at a very young age. When faced with such extreme challenges, people will do whatever it takes to cope, and thus, survive. In your case, you purged yourself of empathy. Since no one seemed to be empathetic toward you, and because empathy on your part probably went unrewarded, it would seem "normal" to do away with that characteristic and develop new ones to replace it. It's going to be a long process, but there are ways to change the way you think about yourself and the world as a whole. My question is, do you want to change? You're posting about yourself on TeenHelp, so I imagine you're doing it in order to receive support/advice of some kind. I'm not going to advise you to stay the way you are, because I certainly don't see it as a "normal" or "healthy" way to live; however, if you're curious about exploring different options, such as seeing a psychological professional and learning new coping techniques to deal with the painful experiences you've faced, I would be more than happy to give you some ideas on what you could do. =)






   
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September 14th 2012, 01:33 AM

I actually was never much like I had no feelings as a child. Well besides anger and sex. As a child I could be happy well ok once I got revenge I imagined raping those who bothered me in the slightest way. I had other violent thoughts without much feeling. I was always blank inside like I was born a shell without a soul. Without personality. Besides when things go bad or sexual situations. I think it was hormonal issues. I was happy when things were even not much to do when I was that age though but eat sleep and imagine like stories. I've always been creative with stories. Since I was as young as 6. I went through precocious puberty isolating me from most other kids. My life was idle and I went back to that when things went bad. My feelings became more civilized as I grew up now and I feel less like I did as a child. I can actually make myself cry I rarely cried as a child. I only cried over pain and not emotions actually now I feel sadness it's all actually entwined with all that's happened. Now I can make myself seem like I am grateful that I deeply love because I've seen it. I actually can feel happiness with myself now because I use others to feel better that I use a hierarchy to feel I'm more moral than most. After everything. I think I became more assimilated because of everything that happened actually I actually am not happy with this I've always been told I was broken and messed up for the way I am. And I've always been sad it would hurt my future. And I'd wish I was anyone else. It actually has caused me to feel a bit more than I did but really bad feelings that I try to not feel like I'm numbing over and over again.like I think I was happier not feeling why I look down on those who do feel all the time. I want to change and have talked to a therapists but idk if she understands tbh...

Last edited by PSY; September 14th 2012 at 07:12 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 07:25 AM

You said you didn't have any feelings as a child. If you feel comfortable doing so, could you share a bit more about your childhood? Generally, when I've encountered children who seem "emotionless," it's because they went through something incredibly traumatic, like being raped or witnessing a murder/brutal attack. I also noticed what you listed for your gender, and was wondering if that played a major role during your childhood (also, if the condition affected your hormones, that could partially explain why things played out the way they did when you were younger).

You said you've seen a therapist before, and that you were at a "center." What forms of treatment have you received over the course of your life, both psychologically and medically? I take it you received some kind of hormonal treatment for the gender issue, but what about psychologically? Were you ever given a diagnosis? Were you prescribed medication? If so, how long did you take it for, and did it have any effect on you (positive or negative)?

I can see there are a lot of conflicting thoughts for you, and I hope we can help you gain a better sense of where to go from here. You see yourself as superior because you don't have feelings, yet you DO have feelings when you use others or think about your future. That can be very confusing, but I'm glad you trusted us enough to reach out, or at least share what's going on.






   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 05:06 PM

no I just had some feelings from hormones. And also if things went wrong from my cycle. The cycle of sleeping eating whatever hobby. If I couldn't disappear. But it wasn't because of much. I was isolated. But I really never had personality and also being a child didn't value rules or civilization. I am learning more how to be more like that to have more if a personality but it's like a play otherwise I feel like I've always felt without a personality. I was as a baby very buly and happy. But my smile soon turned into a scared upset look as I grew up. I have always been by nature superficially friendly but short on words ecause of the lack of personality.


I have had no meds and the place I went to was a youth center many for drug addicts but mine was just trying live independently and for housing purposes.
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 10:26 PM

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Really? Apathy is "normal"? Empathy is what allows human beings to survive. Because we empathize, we are willing to help people when they are struggling. I realize not everyone (like the OP, and possibly yourself) grew up with a nurturing family, loving friends, trustworthy adults, etc. For the majority of people, though, they grow up learning the importance of relying on others. As we grow older, it's natural to rely less on others and become independent, self-sufficient adults. That's not the same thing as becoming apathetic, though, and there is absolutely nothing "normal" about it.
You make some good points, but I disagree. If apathy isn't normal, then what does that makes other states of mind - boredom and anxiety, for example? Are they abnormal too? I wouldn't say so. Sure, perhaps it isn't a nice thing (depends on perspective, I consider it a strength), but it's still something that the majority of humans will experience at one stage or another.
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 14th 2012, 10:42 PM

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Originally Posted by Pyromania View Post
You make some good points, but I disagree. If apathy isn't normal, then what does that makes other states of mind - boredom and anxiety, for example? Are they abnormal too? I wouldn't say so. Sure, perhaps it isn't a nice thing (depends on perspective, I consider it a strength), but it's still something that the majority of humans will experience at one stage or another.
Apathy, boredom, and anxiety are all normal emotions - to an extent. For example, it would be normal to experience some boredom when you're stuck in a doctor's office with nothing to read/watch on TV, and it would be normal to experience some anxiety when you're about to take a very important test. It's considered abnormal when it becomes a predominant emotion and interferes with your life in a negative way. For example, if you are always feeling bored (no matter what you do to try and feel some excitement), or if you are always feeling anxious (not just when preparing for a test, but when you're shopping for groceries, talking to your friends, trying to decide what to wear to school, etc.), that's not considered normal anymore. A constant state of being apathetic is far from normal. If someone was constantly bored, we'd question whether or not something was "off" neurologically or chemically, causing them to not feel any excitement whatsoever. If someone was constantly anxious, we'd investigate the causes of that anxiety and look into treatment options. The same can be said for apathy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlfromsocal View Post
no I just had some feelings from hormones. And also if things went wrong from my cycle. The cycle of sleeping eating whatever hobby. If I couldn't disappear. But it wasn't because of much. I was isolated. But I really never had personality and also being a child didn't value rules or civilization. I am learning more how to be more like that to have more if a personality but it's like a play otherwise I feel like I've always felt without a personality. I was as a baby very buly and happy. But my smile soon turned into a scared upset look as I grew up. I have always been by nature superficially friendly but short on words ecause of the lack of personality.


I have had no meds and the place I went to was a youth center many for drug addicts but mine was just trying live independently and for housing purposes.
Being isolated starting at a young age could certainly effect the way in which you learned how to express emotions. We rely on adults to model "appropriate" behavior, and if you didn't receive that growing up, that could present some problems for you later on. Now, you would be in a position where you wouldn't know where to start when it comes to expressing certain emotions. Out of curiosity, when you were seeing a therapist, what sorts of things did you two work on together? Did the therapist just want to talk about what happened to you, or did they want to practice doing things with you, like smiling or offering a compliment? It seems like you would benefit a great deal from both, because while talking about what happened (and processing it) is great, it doesn't really help you with learning how to act now. Someone would need to model that for you, all while providing a great deal of support and understanding.

Aside from being isolated as a child, did anything else unusual happen? It seems like there's a theme of having thoughts about sex, whether it's regarding you or someone else (ex. imagining someone being raped). You mentioned going through puberty at an early age, but did anything else happen? Did you experience or witness something that was sexual in nature?







Last edited by PSY; September 14th 2012 at 10:54 PM.
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 15th 2012, 12:52 AM

no besides days of our lives and friends. I watched those shows as a young child like 3. But that was it. It's just I didn't know the right things to do. I'd wish people got into car accidents or that they were ripped apart or shaken to death I was never hit as a kid that I can rememer it's just I didn't know what was and wasn't proper on right and wrong. I wanted to be wrong it was an innate need until I found out success wasn't very attainable that way. Now I'm interested in a mix of both really. But in a civilized manner. My mom showed me love and my grandma did and it almost helped but when things went sour it was like a memory it's hard for me to actually love that emotion is hard to grasp more I obsess and I wonder if my dad did too ecause he was an alcoholic I always blamed him for that. Anyhow more she's focussed on independent living first of all which I'm working on. We've just begun so she's more like step y step....
   
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Re: does this sound crazy? - September 16th 2012, 11:23 AM

I agree, to an extent.
   
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