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whatamidoing Offline
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Exclamation I don't know where to begin.. (Stress, Anxiety, School, Habits, Depression) - November 18th 2012, 08:22 AM

Hi,

This is my first time posting a "blog" or "thread".. so bare with me. I am a 19 year old girl, and I have minor depression, severe anxiety, and don't care about life. I have always been a morbid child and a sad child since I was 7 years old. When my parent's divorced. It was extremely devastating considering I am a daddy's little girl. He was thrown out of the house one night and my mom had an affair with one of my kindergarten teachers. From then on my life was pretty shitty.

My father was a complete wreck and chronic depression runs in our family on his side. So my father fell into a serious, deep, depression and has recently come out of it. But is slowly falling back in. However, let's get back to my father 12 years ago... he would cry randomly and I would try to comfort him at the age of 7 years old, he would curse around me and my brother (5) saying horrible things about what my mom probably did with the teacher during the affair. He has since then apologized and I forgave him. He was also left by my mother because he has a serious medical condition that has to do with the tissue in his feet deteriorating and he was told he had a small chance of living when he was diagnosed.

I was told both sides of the story from my mom and dad, why they divorced and from what I can tell, I would believe both of them, but believe what my Dad said. Because I remember my mom would bring home the teacher and be friendly with him when my Dad was not around, and my father is a very honest, good man. So I trust him. I don't know how long this blog is going to be and I am just ranting right now about my whole life, and hopefully someone has the heart and patience to read this.

After the divorce, it was hard times. Christmas was not the same, including every other holiday. So I am a child who has dealt with the pain of divorce.

Oh and by the way, my mother had my father arrested when I was in kindergarten too for coming over to talk to my mother about the affair because he found out, and the teacher's mother was the director of the school and told everyone to close the doors and not let my father inside. My mother called the police, while she was with the teacher, and told them that my father had a gun. (It was her excuse to have my father arrested). I believe that this happened on my birthday or somewhere around there because I left the school with a girl teacher to get a present at a local store. So there I am looking at the scene.. police cars surrounding my father's car and I can't remember if I looked away and cried or ran inside.. I was confused and everyone saw it was my father who had been arrested. How devastating.

*Sigh* I promise I will try to keep this short.. but so far that is not the case. Sorry.

Back to me I guess, So grade school was a total living hell after the divorce, I was made fun of in the third grade in front of class and at the same time, I was crying because my best friend had set me up to get in trouble. I told the whole class it wasn't me and even looked at my best friend in tears and she was laughing. So was the whole class. So I got a detention and it wasn't even my fault. I was framed. I also didn't have a lot of friends in third grade.

As the years passed, I never really got to see my father that much. I saw him every other day of the week from what I can remember from second grade til maybe fifth?

Anyways, I am getting sick of explaining my past but I am just giving a background to the story.

The whole reason I made an account to post this right now is to talk about what is going on in my life as of today.

Recently I have been doing bad in school and just don't care about what happens in life sometimes. I don't have a good relationship with my parents anymore because I am such a fuck-up. It all started last winter. I was a good student in the fall and before that in high-school (kinda). And now my life has taken a dark turn. I fell back into depression and just did not go to school because I didn't feel like it and wanted to stay home. I didn't give a fuck if I failed school either. I went out at night til 3 am most of the time raving and hanging out on Fridays. So my GPA went to shit and I lied to my parents about going to school and doing well.

I was put on Financial Aid Restriction and was accepted back on it this semester when I went back. I did well the first two months, and then I tanked. I didn't go to school some days because I didn't care again. And some days when I drove to school, I didn't care if I got into a car accident. So I missed some school, and started to fail one class. Then my teacher dropped me from that class because I didn't do the work because I procrastinated even after she gave me an extension. I just didn't care. My father already called me a fuck-up to my face multiple times and said that maybe school isn't for me. Thanks Dad. He also said he didn't care if I was a prostitute. My mom cares about that though, and my Dad was being completely serious because I am such a fuck-up in his eyes. All my life I worked on making my parents proud (kinda). But my father mostly. Ever since the divorce, I didn't get to see my father a lot because he worked so much..

I have always wanted to impress my father and now that I have fucked-up so much, I feel like I can't talk to either one of my parents. The reason I can't really express the way I feel to my mother is because she kicked me out. I had/have a really horrible attitude towards my parents most of the time. And my mother and I argued a lot. So she kicked me out.

My father wants to kick me out too because I am so lazy and don't do a lot around the house. Well, that's because I honestly don't remember to do the chores, and I don't have the energy because I am always exhausted. Like my body just wants to rest. And my mind is just all frazzled. I am kind of doing more, not really but I want to.

Anyways, I am always stressed out here at my father's house because I want to impress him so much and he is always stressed out and angry. I can't relax here because I feel like he is going to barge into my room and be angry at me for something.

That is my anxiety talking. Another thing we still need to discuss. Well, I guess I will be doing the talking, and some kind-hearted person will be doing the discussing.

I feel like I have lost my mind recently too ever since I started to not care about school again in Mid-October. That's also when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I drove around a school bus. Yes I have been ticketed and I have a court date that I will be attending, so don't try to track my IP address and bust me. I feel horrible about that mistake and I am only 19 and it is my first driving offence ever. And I have never stood in front of a judge who is probably going to rip me a new asshole. I also don't have the money to pay the ticket so I have to ask my Dad for money.. :/ Not ok. My mom does not know about this yet, or that I have missed a lot of school.

I really don't know where the fuck my mind went.. or my motivation. I don't even care if I get into an accident some days, like I said. And my anxiety is so bad that I spend four hours (tonight) running my fingers threw my hair, cracking my back, doing all of these nervous habits and have barely gotten threw this chapter I have to study. I also have ADHD btw. But my anxiety is so bad that I was nervous that my Dad was going to swing the door open so I stop breathing and stare at the door for like a min and wait to hear another noise..

I feel like a have a fucking stomach ulcer from all of the stress I have. I am anxious all the time. Recently I haven't been taking my medications on time and that's another thing I fucked up. I take deep breathes and rub my hands together and just want to cry because I am so anxious. Sometimes, I am so anxious I can't go to the bathroom. That's one reason why I need to start taking my medications at the right time again.

I can't find the motivation I need to do well in school, even after all the talks my parents and friends have given me. I still can't find it... Even after I hype myself up, I immediately don't care... and can't concentrate on studying. I have lied to my professors and just haven't done well in school recently and that can't happen again and it is all my fault. I can't believe I fucked up my life so fast so badly. I hate myself for it every day and then that makes me not want to care anymore. I don't know what the hell to do...please help.

Sorry this is so long, I just couldn't keep it in. I am literally losing my mind and crying because I am so stressed and I want to be happy.

By the way.. I had severe acne starting at the age of 13, and that really made my depression worsen and it still does to this day. Just thought I would add that in here because it was another hard time in my life that added on anxiety and depression problems... I would cry all the time and wore makeup. I thought no one liked me because of my face and I think some people would make fun of me behind my back. I went to a private catholic school btw for 10 years. And these kids that made fun of me were spoiled brats.

Last edited by whatamidoing; November 18th 2012 at 08:34 AM.
   
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MadiB Offline
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Re: I don't know where to begin.. (Stress, Anxiety, School, Habits, Depression) - November 25th 2012, 03:31 AM

Hey girlie

It sounds like you have hard a really hard time, and I'm sorry about that. I know what it feels like to sit alone for hours just doing stupid little nervous habits. I constantly feel like I am losing my mind. I have been diagnosed with depression, but I have a feeling that isn't my only, or worst, issue. Obviously, you have gotten a lot off your chest, and I hope that makes you feel a little better. Have you talked to a psychiatrist? I think having someone to talk to about your issues without worrying about their reaction might help you quite a bit. As for your acne story, I completely understand what it's like to be judged and made fun of for something that you can't fix. Just remember that those kids will either grow up to be snobby adults, or become mature and feel guilt for a very long time.
What happens in our life happens for a reason. I know it is hard right now, but one day, this will make you a better person. If there is anything you want to talk about or discuss, I'm here.
   
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