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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MadiB Offline
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Name: Madi
Age: 22
Gender: Female

Posts: 7
Join Date: November 24th 2012

I need help... - November 25th 2012, 04:18 AM

Hey guys. I know I just posted a thread, but I need to get some more stuff off my chest. OK, so my life seems like a pretty nice life. Both of my parents are still married, I live in a fair sized house, I have a boyfriend, I'm captain of my high school color guard, etc. I haven't led anyone to believe it is anything but wonderful. I slap a smile on my face and I stick through the day looking like all of my other classmates, but inside I feel like I'm dying.

I went through a lot of bullying in middle school. I was called a goody-two-shoes, Angel Madison, Catholic freak, little miss bitch. That type of thing. I was a good kid, I didn't curse, or break the rules, or do drugs, or show cleavage (because I didn't have any), but this girl kept convincing me that I was ugly, and that I would never get a boyfriend, and that I would always be little miss perfect. This girl bullied everyone, but she loved to target me. Plus, she was the vice-principal's daughter, so I couldn't do anything.

The worst part about it is that I actually asked her to teach me how to be cool. I asked her to change me, and she did. She changed the way I dressed, she taught (forced) me to curse, and she made me just like her. I even made fun of other girls with her. Then, when I finally realized what had happened with the help of my friend, it was to late. All of my friends were starting to be swept into her group.

After I stopped being friends with her, she still bullied me. In seventh grade, I started self-harm. It was the only thing that let me forget about her. My other friend was going through the same issue and considered suicide way too many times. I think she cut a little, too, but she never told me.

So I continued my self-harm all through middle-school, and now I'm in high school.

Even though I haven't seen the vice-principal's daughter in two years, I'm still being bullied, but by my 13 year old sister. She physically and verbally bullies me all of the time, and my parents do nothing about it. I have so many bruises and scars from her, and I constantly think I'm fat, too tall, and ugly. I'm 5'6 and [Edited] pounds. I'm not fat, but I keep thinking it and have considered bulimia which I know is awful. This started freshman year and has continuously been getting worse.

Recently, my grandmother went into the hospital due to lung cancer. She was an amazing person. She was catholic, she was fun, and she loved to spoil us. Her laugh was the kind where you could see her whole belly shake, and she always had this sparkle in her eyes. Now, she looks so frail and thin. She doesn't laugh and she cries from her pain. The sparkle is gone and the only time she looks the slightest bit happy is when the drug her up. It hurts to see her like this. She has been in and out of the hospital for almost a year now. We had to bring our Thanksgiving meal to the hospital just so we could all eat as a family. It's tearing my parents apart because my dad is worried about money and my mom is worried about my grandma. I keep hearing them have arguments where my mom shouts "Don't you love me anymore? Are we still married?" and my dad is just quiet. My sister has become more violent and I have become more and more depressed. I have been cutting a lot lately, and I accidentally cut too deep. I looks like it needs to be stitched, but I can't show my parents.

And that is just at home.

At school, all of my friends are leaving me. They are either too smart for me, or too cool for me, or just have better or more interesting friends. I don't know. It's like I don't exist anymore. I don't deserve friends. Even my best girl friend has completely left me. My best friend now is my boyfriend, but I'm too afraid to tell him about all of this. I'm also afraid he'll find the scars on my wrists and break up with me. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I really like him, but I'm afraid to fall in love with someone. I don't want to make him carry the burden of having a depressed girlfriend.

I have been taking those online quizzes that doctors and psychiatrists will post that test for mental disorders and things like bipolar disorder, borderline disorder, and so many others have shown up. I'll show you the results and the link to where I took them:

Major Depression: Slight-Moderate
Dysthymia: Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: High-Moderate
Cyclothymia: High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: High
Postpartum Depression: N/A
www . depressed test . com /

(The URL's do not have spaces. I'm apparently not allowed to post url's until I have made ten posts or more.)

And here is another:
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: www . 4degreez . com / misc / personality _ disorder _ test . mv
URL for more info: www . 4degreez . com / disorder / index . html

(The URL's do not have spaces. I'm apparently not allowed to post url's until I have made ten posts or more.)

As you can see, some of them make me pretty nervous. Could someone tell me if these quizzes are reliable and, if so, how I should get help. I don't know who or how I should ask to see a psychiatrist. My parents are sort of...touchy... Please help, It would be so amazing. I'm so confused and alone.

Last edited by PSY; November 29th 2012 at 05:53 PM. Reason: Indications of body weight are not permitted on TeenHelp.
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PSY Offline
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Re: I need help... - November 29th 2012, 06:06 PM

Hello, Madi! Welcome to TeenHelp. =)

First, I would like to say that I am so, so sorry for everything you've gone through, and are still dealing with. I was also bullied in middle school, and I resorted to self-harm in order to cope with it. It was a small private Christian school, so when I finally said something to the principal, she insisted everyone liked me because "we're all Christians." That's when I decided I needed to do something in order to help myself, because no one at that school was going to help me. I switched to a different school, found a new group of friends, and once I began to feel welcomed, I no longer needed to resort to self-harm. I was able to cope with the emotional pain in healthier ways by talking to friends, distracting myself with hobbies, etc.

I know that was a long, personal story, but I wanted to share it with you so you can begin to think of healthier ways to cope with your own pain. I understand that you felt pressured to change when you were younger. The thing is, no one "forced" you to become that way. You chose to act like the person who was bullying you - and just as you made that choice years ago, you can make a choice now to live a healthier, happier life. I think one step you could take in that direction would be to view TeenHelp's list of Alternatives to Self Harm. Another step that I think could be beneficial would be to start telling people what's going on. It could be your boyfriend, a school counselor, a teacher/coach, etc. People can't help you unless they know you need help. You deserve to have someone who can support you as you cope with the emotional pain and find a way to stop the abuse within your family (on a side note, I would start taking pictures of those injuries your sister inflicts upon you, as adults in a position to help you will normally require some kind of proof).

Now, as reliable as those online tests may seem, I can assure you that they are not accurate. I am studying to become a marriage and family therapist, so I can tell you MANY people would rate similarly if they took online tests. What really helps a professional determine your diagnose is a thorough, in-person assessment. This includes gathering information about your family history, past and current events, medical problems, drug use, etc. I wrote an article on the dangers of self-diagnosis, which I encourage you to read! Keep in mind that you are going through a LOT right now - if you weren't experiencing all of this emotional pain and abuse, would you still as "depressed"? Additionally, personality disorders are generally reserved for adults, because you ARE a teenager, and your personality is still developing. I could go on and on about this, but the bottom-line is that, if you want to receive an official diagnosis (or if you suspect you have a mental illness), you need to see a psychological professional in person, vs. diagnosing yourself with online tests, friends' opinions, limited knowledge gathered from books/websites, etc.

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