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Stuckinhell Offline
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coping with a relationship where both of us have severe depression... - December 9th 2012, 06:22 PM

So i really need advice. My relationship is falling apart. I've posted about it in another thread. But this is more about how to handle the depression/anxiety that's causing it.

I get severe depression, even with the meds i'm on, i get suicidal thoughts, unable to leave the house, i struggle with low self-esteem, and get severe paranoid thoughts. During bad days, i NEED my bf to be there for me. i need him calling me, tlaking ot me, reasurring me.

Unfortuntely. My boyfriend, during his bad days, hides away for days at a time. He won't talk to anyone, ignores my calls and texts.

Which causes difficulties when we hit a bad spell at the same time.

I have no idea how to support him because he doens't want me around. And i don't know how to lean on him less.

Advice please?

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Re: coping with a relationship where both of us have severe depression... - December 9th 2012, 09:11 PM

Hey there! =) I see you've already received a few responses to your other thread, so I'm going to respond to this one (and cover a bit of everything from both threads).

Have you ever heard the phrase, "you have to help yourself before you can help others"? Well, I feel that has been true throughout my life, and it's probably going to apply to your situation as well. It's difficult to help someone with depression when you are also struggling with depression. In fact, I'd say it's downright impossible, depending on the severity of the depression. I mean, think about it: if you're drowning (metaphorically), and your boyfriend is drowning as well, what will happen when you try to grab your boyfriend in order to stay afloat (or vice versa)? You'll both drown together. The solution is to find ways to stay afloat, without relying on each other.

Of course, you might argue that your boyfriend is the only thing that allows you to keep fighting the depression... but when there's a "bad spell" in your relationship, I can't imagine that makes things better with regards to your depression. So you're kind of stuck, as long as you and your boyfriend both struggle with severe depression. Being with him gives you some amount of love, but it also drags you down. Being with him gives you someone to relate to, but neither of you have a clear idea on how to effectively cope with the depression.

What if you tried something different? What if, instead of relying on each other (and consistently letting each other down), you turned to other resources? What if, instead of focusing on saving your relationship, you ONLY focused on your individual well-beings? What if, instead of trying to solve each other's problems, you decided to come back together after you solved your own problems? What if, instead of settling for someone who brought you down, you raised the bar and decided to only be with someone who could build you up during "bad spells"?

I really do think the best solution here would be to take a break, or at least agree to take some of the focus off the relationship in order to focus on yourselves. I can't lie - it won't be easy, because you WILL be losing one of your primary sources of support. Keep in mind, though, that this hasn't really been a GREAT source of support, and the goal should be to find those great sources of support. Ideally, your boyfriend WILL become that great source of support, once he focuses on his own recovery and can be there for you (without jeopardizing his own well-being). It's going to take some time and patience. You two may or may not remain together when all is said and done. If you are willing to give this a shot, though, then you'll be opening yourself up to so many more possibilities.

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Re: coping with a relationship where both of us have severe depression... - December 14th 2012, 06:44 PM

My husband and I go through this but sadly like said above you can't really fix eachother when your both down. We both go to see different people. Early on we would try to focus less on trying to constantly help each other it is WAY hard to do.

I am not going to say you have to break up but being around negative things only keep it negative and make it harder to change. At the moment I am dealing with trying to change that much but its such a struggle with negative people around me.

I would look for someone you can have help get things straightened out with yourself and him do the same. Once you guys are built back together try maybe going back to helping and working on your relationship.

feel free to PM me...

Always keep a smile on your face and Lots of love in you heart! <3

Dont wear a mask and suffocate
take it off and breathe

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