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Circles - December 19th 2012, 05:45 PM

I keep feeling strange. One day I'm totally fine and can get on with life and the next day I can't get myself out of bed. I've been diagnosed with depression almost a year ago now and been on medication for almost 6 months. I haven't worked much in that time, only the odd temporary job. I cannot hold down a job because I cannot commit to one any more as I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next. This is not making things easy for me.

I don't know where things started going to wrong. Last year I worked a full time job and a part time job at the same time doing 50 hour weeks. Now? I worry about letting people down because everything is different now, I'm different now. When I'm shit, I start crying for no apparent reason, I don't even see it coming. I feel like living is pointless. The done thing is to work to literally pay bills and feed yourself. The done thing is to work to stay alive? This makes no sense to me. I used to be able to work no problem. I liked having the money and seeing my bank balance grow. Now it just seems stupid. Depending on what my head is telling me from day to day, I'll feel totally different another day. Some days I'd like to work. All the jobs I've had I've been good at, I've been told so. The problem is me turning up. I'm unreliable. I'm lazy?

I don't want to be like this. I don't want my mood to determine my day. I don't want to live on benefits. How do I get out of this continuous circle?
   
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Re: Circles - December 20th 2012, 11:27 AM

Hey there,

Depression can be a really tough thing to live with but it is not an impossible thing to overcome. I think it is great that you are seeing a doctor for this. I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. Express your worries and concerns and let him/her know how down you are feeling. Maybe you need to try a new medicine or maybe she/he needs to up your dosage etc. The only way you can get to the bottom of that is if you talk to your doctor about it. If you don't feel like you can convey the message to your doctor, properly, try printing out this post and reading it to your doctor or write down some more of your thoughts and reading it to your doctor.

Also, something that can help is trying to force yourself to get out of the house for 1-2 hours a day. I know this is hard but it can be very beneficial. I know that when I stay inside on the days that I am feeling really depressed it makes it worse however when I force myself to get out and go for a walk or a drive or go read a book at my local coffee shop I feel a tad bit better. So, it might help you as well. Yes, it will be hard but it will be beneficial. It also might help if you try turning it into exercise. I've been told by numerous therapists that exercise helps with depression.

Another thing you might want to try is keeping a journal. Instead of keeping all your thoughts bottled up inside you can write them down and being able to express yourself is a good way to deal with depression because from what I have been told by some therapists bottled up emotions can make depression worse. Also, writing can help you figure out some of the things that are triggering your depression and help you work on figuring out ways to resolve those triggers.

I hope that this helped and if you need anything feel free to PM/VM me.


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Re: Circles - December 20th 2012, 10:24 PM

Hello

That is all great advice and on my good days I do all that and more. Like today! Was more social than usual, went out, went to the gym. Days like today are easy, I have no stress, feel free, can do what I want, when I want.

Even on my rubbish days like yesterday, I did go out for a drive and parked up by the sea and just watched and listened to the waves crashing on the rocks.

On my okay/good days I don't even understand what my mood was about when it's low and I cry a lot and can't bring myself to do much. Even on my good days I don't understand how I can't commit to a job because it really is just the done thing. It's life!...

I've been wondering recently if maybe I've got some form of bipolar, like a mild version or something similar? I can't understand how my feelings change so drastically otherwise.

You are right though about going back to my doctor. Thanks.
   
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Re: Circles - December 20th 2012, 10:38 PM

With bipolar disorder, you don't experience day-to-day changes in mood. The manic and depressive phases generally last for longer than that (we're talking about months of either predominantly manic or predominantly depressive symptoms). Even with rapid cycling, it would be within a few weeks, not within a few days.






   
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Re: Circles - December 21st 2012, 12:42 AM

Firstly I want to emphasize that we are not doctors so we cannot diagnose you.

Now, there are two forms of Bipolar, Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2, from what my doctors have told me about them the difference between them is the the mania in bipolar 1 is a lot more intense in Bipolar 1 than it is in Bipolar 2. People who suffer from Bipolar two tend to have a lot more downs then they do ups (mania) than those that suffer from Bipolar one. And, there are many people with Bipolar 2 who are diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder instead of Bipolar 2. However, if you feel that there is a possibility that you have bipolar you need to take it up with your doctor because he is the only one that will be able to explain his reasoning's as to why he does not think that is the case or what not.

In the end, healing recovering from all of this requires patience and I know that is hard but you can do it.

Wishing you the best of luck.


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