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madmax0116 Offline
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Red face I can't keep my cool..... - December 20th 2012, 05:17 PM

Hi

I obsess over a lot of stuff like TV shows, rock bands, sports teams, etc. and I get angry and sometimes violent when anybody tries to diss my favorites. Recently I got into a shouting contest with a friend over a stupid band. Me and him called each other a lot of bad things and I'm afraid I might have said something really bad.

I hate this crap. How do I keep my cool? Or better still, how do I stop obsessing over this sh!t. I don't want this to happen ever again.
   
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Re: I can't keep my cool..... - December 20th 2012, 08:15 PM

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry about something or someone. The problem is when that anger begins to escalate, to the point where you lash out. I think rehearsing some scenarios in your mind could help. For example, imagine someone saying, "such-and-such band sucks." Think about how you would normally retaliate. Now think about some other things you could do, think, and say instead.

What to do:
Many people simply walk away when they become angry, because they are afraid ANYTHING they say will be hurtful. After walking away, some people will take out their anger on inanimate objects, so that the urge to hurt people will fade. If you have a punching bag, pillow, or something else that you can hit/throw/kick that won't result in your being injured, that might be a great way to cope with the anger. When I get angry, I find something that I can squeeze in my hand. The tension, followed by the relaxed feeling when I let go, really helps me. Additionally, you can try screaming into a pillow, writing down how you feel, etc.

What to think:
What goes through your mind when someone insults one of your interests? If the answer is "nothing," or any thoughts that aren't positive, then you need to start challenging those thoughts. If you can't do that in the heat of the moment, then resort to thinks you can do, like walking away. If you can challenge those thoughts, then here are some things you could dwell on:
Everyone has disagreements.
Disagreements are normal.
Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they hate you.
Disagreements don't have to be taken personally.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
It's not the end of the world if someone feels differently than you do.
Friendships are important to you.
Friendships are more important than any of your interests.
Fighting about this might hurt your friendship.
Fighting about this isn't worth it.
I have stopped myself from saying many hateful things, simply by thinking about the consequences. Again, I wasn't always able to do that in the moment, so I had to do something like walk away. Nowadays, though, I can begin to change the way I think, dwelling on the consequences of lashing out vs. how angry I am. That almost immediately puts a stop to any fight that might erupt.

What to say:
This is probably the hardest thing for someone who's angry, because it requires a great deal of control. It's easier to physically remove yourself from the situation than to choose your words carefully in the moment. Most people want to be right, or they want to defend themselves. If you begin to think differently, though, then you'll have a better idea of what to say. For example, if you know fighting could hurt your friendship, then you could say something like, "I guess we'll have to disagree on this one." If your friend is also escalating due to anger, you could say something like, "I don't want this argument to hurt our friendship. Why don't we talk about something else, or take a break to cool down?" If your friend STILL won't stop, then you might have to do something instead of say something.






   
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Re: I can't keep my cool..... - December 24th 2012, 09:07 AM

Thanks a lot!
   
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Re: I can't keep my cool..... - December 24th 2012, 02:43 PM

Hey Sage

What helps me in such situations is reminding myself that we are all different and we are all entitled to our own opinions. So while arguing with someone, instead of saying something like "You are an idiot for liking/not liking so and so" you can say something like "I like so and so because I feel that their these and these things are nice and they present it nicely". Basically instead of dissing someone's favourites, you can talk about what you like or don't like about a particular thing. And if your friend starts dissing, then you can politely let them know that this is your viewpoint and you are entitled to it so lets just talk about why we like or don't like a particular thing. Present your views. Don't try to change anyone else's viewpoint.

I hope that this helps.
Good luck



"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it."

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
   
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