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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Babycakes Offline
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Am I crazy? Like am I seriously f***ing insane? - March 5th 2013, 07:48 PM

Please don't attempt to read this unless you actually think you can help me. I'm not going to take medication, so don't suggest it. I've heard it all "Oh you should go talk to your doctor, etc" If I wanted that answer I would've asked some random homeless person on the side of the street.

These past couple of years have been pretty rough for me. No friends, no life, no nothing. I basically sit in my room all day everyday, don't have any motivation to do anything, was laid off from my job a few months ago. I don't consider myself to be depressed anymore, but I'm probably so doped up on marijuana all of the time to even be able to tell. Lately things have been getting worse. Every night I've been having these very bad panic attacks where my whole body will freeze up, I can't move, all my bones and muscles tense up and I start vigorously shaking for around 20 minutes, get sweaty and have hot and cold flashes. Sometimes I'll stare at myself in my mirror for hours on end just looking directly into my own eyes as if I'm the only person I have in this pathetic world. Sometimes I even talk to myself.. who am I kidding? I always talk to myself. I guess it's time to face the music and accept that I'm literally fucked up in the head. I sometimes cry at random times, I have very huge mood swings. One minute I'll be super happy, the next, really sad, sometimes followed by extreme anger. The reason I'm typing this is because not only but 20 minutes ago I had an incredible anger breakdown, I was the most mad I've ever been in my life and blacked-out. I honestly don't remember much as I was incredibly angry and now I have cuts all over my legs. I remember cutting myself, but I don't know why. I honestly felt like killing someone, I guess this was my suffice.

Basically I need help. I don't know how to talk about this with anyone, I'm really messed up in the head. When I meet new people, I become attached to them as if I've known them for years. It's like all of my emotions are AMPLIFIED incredibly. Honestly, the thoughts of suicide are rushing through my brain, not because I'm so depressed that I just hate life. I honestly don't feel that I deserve to live.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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re: Am I crazy? Like am I seriously f***ing insane? - March 5th 2013, 11:48 PM

I'm not going to suggest medication. I'm not going to suggest seeing a GP. Normally I would, but you have specifically said you don't want to hear that.

So here's what I think:

Yes, you have something "wrong", and yes, you need to find some way to work with that and cope with it. Everybody deserves to live regardless of how they feel about life, and that includes you.

There are a lot of things which have intense emotions as pointers for them. We are a website, none of us are professionals, and even if we were it's unethical for us to make diagnostic suggestions without knowing you and your entire situation.

So here's what I think you should do:
Talk to somebody in real life.
You don't have to tell them everything that's going on. Simply, "Hey, I need some help right now, maybe some extra support from you" is all it should take. Find someone you're comfortable with, share what you've shared here. It's not fair on you to have to go through life dealing with this.

And secondly, lay off the cannabis. I'm not saying you have to give it up completely, but cutting down your intake is likely to lessen the severity of your mood swings. Everything is different for everyone, and you need to know if cannabis is negatively affecting you, and you can only determine that by cutting back and seeing if you feel different without it.

So, I know talking to people is incredibly hard. I do, that's how come I often end up in a lot of trouble - when I, personally, become unwell, my ability to communicate verbally completely breaks down. There's ways around this though. Sometimes I write, or draw, or use whiteboards to communicate what's happening in my head. In all honesty, despite your resistance, I think you know what you need to do, and either your lack of motivation is preventing you from doing it, or fear is. Either way, reaching out to others is the only way you're going to be able to get around this. Nobody can expect you to live the way you are currently, with everything happening inside you. Humans weren't built like that.

Finally, I don't know how long you've been on TH, but welcome, and I hope you find some of the support you need here.
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re: Am I crazy? Like am I seriously f***ing insane? - March 6th 2013, 12:09 AM

Well, I'm not exactly sure I can help you...unless it helps to know that there's someone that gets exactly what you're talking about.
What I mean is, I don't know why this is all happening to you, and I'm sincerely very sorry that it is. But hey, when you find out what is that causes you to get like this, let me know. Because I get it, I really do. Upon reading through this, I couldn't help but look back on all of the nights I've had like this, and they don't make much sense, in fact they make very little sense...and there's really no universal explanation for why it happens. But I've been there. I've had nights where I felt like I had literally lost my mine, and I would break everything in sight, and scream, and feel like I could kill someone, anyone. I'd wake up with cuts all over, or burns, or bruises. I smashed an ashtray once and walked along the shards, OVER and OVER again. I have tied a rope around my neck, and blacked out. I've stared into a mirror, into my eyes, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I didn't recognize myself, or I was ashamed to look at the person on the other side, someone that wasn't me. It was like a demon or some other unworldly THING had just posessed my body.

I don't think you could even get prescribed any medication if you didn't know what was going on, and people love to label things, you would get some kind of a definition attatched to you, get "treated", but never get better. I just think...sometimes all that stress, and anger, that depression..it just comes out all at once, and maybe there's not even any reason behind it. Maybe you were fine just a second ago, or so you thought, when there's actually a lot going on inside you that you may not be aware of. I don't know if this is what you were looking for in terms of responses or support, or if what I'm saying is making any sense or helping at all, but it makes as little sense to me as it does you WHY these things happen. I cry at the strangest times too, and I talk to myself a lot. I've been left alone in the dark for so long, sometimes I'm the only one who will listen.

I call it spiritual suicide. You have a big, mental breakdown, and then you feel a little better afterwards. But it's the during that can be pretty scary. People have fucked me over my whole life, walked in and out on me, and most of that time I've been left alone. I got pulled out of public school this year to finish up online because the kids were cruel, no friends.....and I just sit alone upstairs all day, in the dark and quiet of my own room, doing school. I'll be an adult in a few months, I don't really have hardly anyone, no outlook on life..I'm depressed and angry all the time...I get things in the mail for colleges, which i don't know what to do, I don't know where I want to be or where I think my life is headed. I get attached to everyone and anyone who takes the time to get to know me, I give them all I have to offer, I'm always there for them, and then...then they leave without so much as a goodbye. And I get devasatated, you know?....I get so scared of losing people, I build a wall around my heart, afraid to let anyone inside, and then right when I thought I've found the one person who understands me, I let them tear the walls down around my heart. And then the next moment, they're gone. I'm so antisocial, I belong in a halfway house, I don't know how I could ever hope of getting a job....and people worry that I'm going to take my life, when in fact, it's like look at me....I'm already dead.

Look, I'm not trying to drag my own personal shit into this. I just wanted you to know that I feel for you. I get what you mean, and it frustrates me that I'm not very good at offering words of encouragement or anything of the sort, other than saying I have had MANY a day like you have had. Hell..reading what you posted above is like looking into a window on my own life. I think that this is, simply...a very depressing world we live in, and our mind just needs to break down sometimes. Life isn't all happiness and joy. It's tough. It's painful. There's a lot to cope with, a lot for our mind to process, and some people are ambivalent and just want to believe that it's all great out there, but it's really not. Our generation as a WHOLE is completely depressed, and it's sad, because really we're all too young to be this depressed. People can only take so much I think, and then that's all their body can handle and then they can't take anymore. Kudos to you for not taking the easy way out and leaving this world, really, it takes much more courage to live and survive then to die, so you are strong. I guess just take what happens when you get those nights where you feel like a maniac, as your body's way of dealing, of coping with all the shit and loneliness going on around you. I only hope it helps to know that there are others in the world that have those nights too, and we're all just trying to figure out how to survive, we all cope differently...I hope life works out better for you, I really do. And I think maybe even joining this site could potentially lead you on the road to recovery. I know for me that was the general idea.

And you do deserve to live. If anything, life doesn't deserve to deal us with these shitty cards that it does. But we just have to stay strong and never lose hope. Because once we let go of here, we've lost absolutely everything...

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Re: Am I crazy? Like am I seriously f***ing insane? - March 14th 2013, 04:39 PM

I can't really offer you any advice as you sound like you're in exactly the same boat as me. I get extreme panic attacks, mood swings that change me as a person in a matter of seconds, depression etc and I also won't go on meds etc. Just thought it may possibly help a little to know you aren't alone.

sooner or later though, you always have to w a k e u p

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