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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ihea Offline
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My life at this point - February 12th 2014, 03:06 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Egh, okay, I feel like I'm about to explode right now.

I have like, two split personalities. On one hand I'm very much like everyone else, but then there's this other side that's mean and cruel and worries about everything and it always the most extreme in any emotion. That side tends to be the strongest.

The only real difficulty I've ever had was this anxiety disorder I had through all of middle school. I was never diagnosed because I was never taken to a doctor, but I did have medicine for my anxiety attacks and at its peak I couldn't really eat anything but crackers, Cheerios, carrots, and strawberries for days. Even then I would have a hard time keeping those down.

My mom thought I needed to be punished for always throwing up every day and missing church and school for weeks, and because of it I basically didn't leave the house for anything but church, school, and errands for years. Even nowadays I never leave the house for anything but the aforementioned. It's easier, I guess, because I don't really have any friends who like to hang out with me. The "friends" I do have easily overlook me, anyway.

I don't know, my mom is really overprotective and I'm kind of stuck. I would at least like to go on walks, but she won't let me do that. The only thing I do is go to school and then come home and sit on my laptop until I go to bed. Nobody ever talks to me and band is the only real reason I would stay out at school past 3.

I've had a number of panic attacks this last year over my really bad death anxiety, and because of it I was taken to therapy. Unfortunately for me, the therapist was a family friend so the therapy sessions ended up with my parents in the room talking to him. They spoke for me, so he focused on the wrong things, which wasn't his fault. I didn't want to admit anything in front of my parents, because both of them make fun or get mad at everything I do, so because I was so uncooperative the therapist said I didn't need to come back. I apparently have OCD and other phobias and anxiety problems though? I don't know, I don't think I'm bad enough to be said I have those things. It's kind of hard to say when you stay at home 24/7 and avoid any social interaction at all costs.

Oh yeah, I guess I should mention I avoid people. I wouldn't say I have social phobia; I do get nervous in social interactions, but I've lived the same place my whole life so I kind of know everyone already. When I meet new people, I manage to stay calm enough, although I've been told I'm rather aloof sometimes. What usually ends up happening is I'll socialize and then go cry later because I always do something that makes me really, really embarrassed. Nah, I avoid socializing more because enough people already dislike me and I don't need anyone else. I do get so lonely that I can't breathe sometimes.

I'm not bullied or anything, but kids at my school do talk about me. I'm that freaky "smart" kid who's obsessed with everything. As a result I'm really embarrassed about everything I like. I'll freak out over them in the moment, but later on I'll get so embarrassed and upset I'll just stop moving and get extremely sad. I kind of hate the Beatles now because I let it get to me so much.

Um, other than that, I think I make up most of the stuff that bothers me. Sometimes I think I see a fairy, and I've seen this evil fairy a few times before, but I don't know if I'm really seeing it or not. I have a lot of super extreme mood swings. Like the other day, I was excessively happy and hyper for a few hours and literally in seconds I wanted to kill myself and I was so upset I wouldn't move or talk and my chemistry teacher had to ask me if I was okay.

I don't know, I'm usually really low on energy. Always tired, always sick, always having pain in random places in my body. I cry for no reason, I hate myself more than I can describe. I'm really apathetic towards everyone and I know how to manipulate and I'm really passive-aggressive. Every day I think about killing myself anymore. It's dumb. Like, even when I'm happy I'm sad.

Apparently I have a lot in common with people with mood disorders and personality disorders and anxiety disorders and even Asperger's, but like I said I'm not bad enough to qualify for any of them. I just kind of think this whole thing is an act I can't snap myself out of because I am literally fighting myself.

Sorry this is so sappy, I just know that if there's one thing I've learned it's that no one cares. I've been told by loved ones that no one cares and I'm stupid and arrogant and ugly and annoying. I'm just used to it, I guess. Even people who try to cheer me up ignore me and it's for the best, because I really am a vain, self-centered person who can't wake up. I really don't care about anyone but myself and wallow in self-pity. I am the pinnacle of teen angst.

Oh, and I guess I should mention I'm asexual and transmasculine in a transphobic family. Cross-dressing causes a lot of problems.

I'm so tired the room is spinning, so I guess I'll stop now. Thanks for taking your time to actually read this.
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stelles Offline
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Re: My life at this point - February 12th 2014, 11:00 PM

Hi! This sounds like a rough situation.
Have you talked to your mom about how overprotective you think she is? if she knows your reasons for wanting to get out she might let you. You could also try going back to the doctor to make sure you don't actually have a diagnosable disorder.
Also, you seem to be beating yourself up a bit. wanting help and wanting this all to just stop is not the same as being self-centered. it's a totally normal reaction to life issues, and unfortunately i think it's pretty common for that to make you think you're selfish. But anyone in your situation would want someone to care and want help. And I'm sure people care about you. heck, i care about you and i don't even know you.
You can try joining more clubs based on your interests. If you enjoy band you can see if there's any more music opportunities at your school, or in your area. think of things you like and do them more often.
As for unsupportive therapists, if you want to go back or try someone else, talk to your parents first and ask if you could speak to the therapist alone for a while before your parents come in. This way you can explain stuff to them in your own way and explain that you don't think your parents have the right idea here. You're right, they shouldn't speak for you. Only you know whats going on in your head.
Sorry if that was totally unhelpful. good luck

Be yourself, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ihea Offline
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Re: My life at this point - February 12th 2014, 11:22 PM

Hi, thanks for your response.

I would join more clubs, but I live in a small area and my parents won't let me join stuff. Nowadays I kind of avoid any interaction any more.
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