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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
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Characters - February 20th 2014, 07:54 PM

So, I had two problems, one with feelings and one with thoughts, but I had a solution for them that worked for years, but that solution kinda turned into a huge problem now.
Don't know how to really explain it, so i will just start with the problems that kinda created that solution.

First thing was with feelings.
Well, I'm trying to keep it short so let's just say, for certain reasons I did surpress all feeling for years. All I ever did was smile or maintain a passiv or concentrated face when I was to down to smile. That passed and I was free to be myself again, but even if I wanted to show emotion, I just kinda couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't even if I felt like I was being torn appart. Also I had a lot of trouble to even identify emotions. I knew I felt something and that something was bad and I didn't like it and I could describe the feeling for pages but I could not tell, what it was. But if I didn't know what it was, I had no way to make me feel better either, as long as the reason was not obvious and then I just felt bad for days and I felt like I was going to explode, but as I said previously, I couldn't really show emotions. It was like I forgot how to do it...

My second problem was with my thoughts. As long as I had to concentrate on something really hard, everything was ok, but if I didn't they just kinda run mad.
To keep it short: As soon as I stopped concentrating, my thoughts started running around and I couldn't controll them and I ended up talking to myself and getting a huge head ache and the main problem was, once they start running wild, I couldn't get them back under controll. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concetrate in school any longer, I couldn't finish watching that movie, couldn't do my homework or study for that test.
It was annoying. My head hurt and most of the time my thoughts managed to drag me down and make me feel really bad and as stated previously I was no good with feelings...

So or years I've been solving these problems by just making up storys. If I felt bad I would make up a character and a setting and then I would just make the characters life as misserable as I felt and everything was fine. I had something to concentrate on, so I could keep my thoughts clear even if I had nothing to do and I could kinda just put my feelings in these storys and I would be able to identify them and everything was fine.
Just, recently I have kinda realiced that this story thing is getting out of hand.
Something bad happens, I make up a story. Something good happens, I celebrate it with a story. I have nothing to do, I keep myself busy with a story.
Unless I'm really busy there are constantly storys and characters on my mind. I can't manage my life without them anymore.
If I have a problem I need to invent a character to solve it for me first. If I need to do something and need to be selfconfident for work I need to make up a character that is very selfconfident so I can be too. It's like that with everything. When I'm talking to people even my friends, when I'm trying to comfort someone, even when I try to have sex.
It's driving me mad! I want some time for myself, with only me in my head but I don't even know what I'm thinking and feeling anymore.
Also, I sometimes get really really angry all of sudden and then there automaticaly is a character in my head to slove the problem and it nearly always is some kind of massmurderer slaughtering everything and everyone in his way. Recently these thoughts kinda turned against people I was angry with as well.
I have been rather cruel and violent for a long time, but I never ended up having a character of a story I just made up planning tu murder my grandma, just because I am angry with her and honestly, that is what's scaring me the most.

I would talk to someone, but I kinda have trust issues and even if I try, I'm way to good at lieing and always back out of it or make a joke out of what I just said.
So if anyone has an idea, just something, anything, to get out of this and feel like myself again, I would really really appreciate it!

It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

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Re: Characters - February 24th 2014, 10:34 PM

All of this seemed to start with suppressing your feelings. You haven't been very open about why you felt the need to suppress your feelings... but I'm getting the sense that your solution has been to avoid your problems, which WON'T work in the long run (as you're already beginning to discover). You started by avoiding your feelings, then you avoided your thoughts by distracting yourself, then you avoided feelings AND thoughts by creating characters. To this date, it seems you still haven't "come clean" with yourself and really addressed what led to all of these ineffective coping techniques.

If you feel comfortable discussing what happened (and/or is currently happening) in your life with us, then by all means, share! If you don't feel comfortable discussing everything here, then you have a few options. You could talk to someone one-on-one via HelpLINK, Live Help, a hotline under our Resources section, etc. You could begin to get in touch with yourself again by journaling and expressing yourself creatively (e.g., drawing scenes from your past). You could also seek professional help. I understand why you would be inclined to lie or pretend that everything is okay... but remember, avoiding the problem is what got you to this point. If you truly want to change, then take a risk and tell someone who might be able to refer you to individuals/organizations who can provide more support! One approach may be to write everything down, then to share it with a psychological professional. That way, as long as the words on the page(s) are honest, you won't have to worry about your spoken words/behavior "betraying" you and enabling the avoidant coping technique.

I wish you all the best! Feel free to keep us updated on your situation. =) Also, if I was completely off-base, please let me know by elaborating a bit more so I (and other members) can better assist you.

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
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Re: Characters - February 25th 2014, 08:46 PM

I guess you are right about me avoiding problems. I'm really good at that.

So the reason I surpressed my feelings? Well, it's been a good day, so why not, though it's not that much of a story actually.
When I got into middle school all my friends went to different schools, we lost contact and the only two friends I had left turned out to be rather backstabbing. Also I was a huge crybaby, a huge drama queen and did not really fit in there. No surprise they started to bully me and my mum tryied to help me and gave me the advice to not show them that they hurt me and if I did that they would stopp. So I tryied not to show just how much they hurt me. So no more crying, no more running away. It did not really work though so I figured I had done it wrong somehow and put more effort into it. So instead of crying I would smile, instead of defending myself I would laugh. I told myself everything was fine and I would get rid of them if I just kept doing this. So, no telling, since nothing was wrong. No crying, 'cause then they would never stopp. Actually sometimes I think that saved my life, 'cause on bad days I wanted to kill myself, but since I had to pretend nothing was wrong, I would have no reason so I couldn'd, afterall I had to make them stopp.
Well it still hurt though and was scary so I started the story thing. First it was only storys and then in grade 8 I found out I could use that, to make friends as well. Just behave like the character they would like and bam, there were suddenly some people who liked me.
I got to a new school and the bullying stopped, but I kinda couldn't stop with the character thing anymore, since it had proofen to be really helpfull. I mean, I was able and still am able, to get myself a friend or two to hang out with through it.

I guess talking to someone really would be a good idea, but I just can't talk to someone, like, in real life. I always have the feeling they will do something, that will ruin my life, even if they just have the best intentions.
Also it's quiet hard to be honest 'cause I know that most of my friends like me, because I'm always so positiv and cheerfull and honest which couldn't be further from to truth....
Talking would just go compleately wrong and end in a huge mess... Also i have that thing with words. When I'm trying to be honest (especially when I don't have time to contemplate how to word things and even more when it is about feelings), it just goes wrong and I end up telling some stupid lies. It's like a reflex to protect myself.
The only reason i feel relatively safe telling here is because I know, that noone will ever track this back to me and ruin my life with it.

It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

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