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Unhappy so confused - February 23rd 2014, 08:19 AM

I'm so over everything right now. My existence just seems useless. A voice in my head is constantly questioning everything I do and it's getting horrible to deal with. I feel like there's really no point living anymore because I'm doing nothing with my life and don't think I ever will. It's like I hate myself for wanting to die but I want to die because I hate myself. It's a never ending cycle. Psychs are useless and I'm just over waking up each morning tired and hating everything. I just don't even know what to do anymore.
   
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Re: so confused - February 23rd 2014, 02:56 PM

Hey there,

I am so sorry to hear about how you're feeling. I hope that you choose to continue to hang in there, because it sounds like you are starting to get extremely tired of the cycle you're going through. I don't blame you - it doesn't sound fun at all. However, you have to stay strong. Sometimes it seems like you've held strong too long, and you just need an end to this. From the context of your post, I'm assuming you've tried talking to a professional but it didn't really seem to help. I can see why that would throw you at your lowest point. I always thought psychologists/counselling was the last resort, and when you figure that even that doesn't work for you, things start to get hopeless. But how many psychologists have you tried? Maybe you just had a bad experience? Either way, if you choose to stay away from the counselling option, I don't blame you. As a psychology major, I would advice you stay away from psychologists if you feel they don't help, because otherwise they'll just make you feel worse.

Anyway, back to your situation at hand. Have you ever tried to self-reflect and figure out why you feel this way? What about your existence feels so useless? I know this is going to sound like a bit of a stretch right now, but you need to find something you're passionate about - maybe an instrument, writing, art, or a sport - something, anything healthy that keeps you going. Now that probably sounds impossible right now because anyone going through depressive cycles will have the hardest time getting out of bed and doing any of these things. But that's the hardest part. Motivation. Getting the motivation to do anything throughout your day is the hardest part of being depressed, but once you overcome that part, everything gets so much easier. Remember, it's all about baby steps.

About the voices in your head that question everything you do - that doesn't sound fun at all. It's great to have a conscience, as it helps you follow your morals, but too much of it can drive you insane. I can relate to your situation, my conscience never shuts up. Sometimes you need to learn to grit your teeth and ignore it. As long as you stick to your morals and do what's right, you don't need to listen to that voice. I know, easier said than done, but it sounds like more than anything, you need a distraction. From your entire post, what I'm getting is that you need a distraction. It sounds like you're letting these thoughts control you, and letting yourself sink further. Don't give up the fight, and don't let your demons win.

You said that you want to die. Are you having suicidal thoughts? If you are, please get the proper help you need. This world would hate to lose you - no matter how much you think otherwise. I know this may all sound like bull to you at this point, but you ARE worth something. Everyone is. Life is a privilege and you were put here for a reason. I don't know how religious you are but God put us all here for a reason, and you should stick around to find that reason out. You said you hate yourself for wanting to die, which means you realize that suicide isn't the best option. But at the same time, you want to die because you hate yourself so much. The problem? Self hatred. The fix? Well, the fix is a life long recovery, unfortunately. As life goes on, you learn more about yourself, and the more you learn about yourself, the easier it gets to love yourself. If you stick around long enough, you'll learn things that you never knew, both about yourself and the world, that will give you some peace of mind.

What you should do right now is focus on getting motivation, because that's the first step. Take it slow but try, a little bit at a time each day, and you'll get there. But you have to find a healthy way to cope, and you'll ride out of this pain soon.

Best of luck, I hope you find purpose and meaning in your life.
   
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