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farewell Offline
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Anger Issues & Suicidal Tendencies - March 11th 2014, 01:15 AM

There are times that I feel so frustrated and angry that I have the urge to kill someone, particularly people in my family (However, I would not hesitate to end myself before having the chance to hurt others). During those times I would physically harm myself by punching things nearby and make suppressed screams. I am able to surpress my anger, as well as my suicidal tendencies, by going on the computer and distracting myself. Unfortunately this solution is only temporary because I end up feeling even more depressed and suicidal afterwords just at the thought of wasting my life away and when it would clash with my academic performance. To give you an idea, I pretty much spend 6+ hours on the computer on weekdays and 12+ hours on weekends. It is not because I do not have friends in real life, I am shy but not socially awkward. In my opinion, I just choose to not have a social life; when my friends would invite me to hang out most of the time I would make an excuse or politely refuse. I use to have online friends up until the end of last year when I ditched them all abruptly by not logging onto my messenger again, and truthfully speaking I don't really care nor miss them. You might have guessed that I do not get along with my family and might wonder what they might have done to make me have the urge to kill them or myself. Most of the time it is something simple as hearing the obnoxious voice of my own mother. I do not make it hard on my parents, or at least I don't think. I attend school even when I am sick, maintain an AB Honor Roll, no substance/drug abuse whatsoever, and hardly ever disclose any financial situations with them even paying for school lunches, books, and trips myself. The reason being is because if I ask one of the money, they complain and question why I don't ask my other parent and I just don't want to deal. Lately my suicidal tendencies are becoming worse, which have started since elementary after going through my parents divorce, being in a verbal and physically abusive household, and alienated for being the only person of my race attending my school living in a conservative racist southern state, but it's something that honestly does not bother me anymore, except for the nagging of my parents who have tried to brainwash me to hate the other and I'm not sure if it worked because I hate them both. I tried overdosing last year, been planning to runaway for almost two years, and cut myself for the very first time this year, but the cutting has not continued. The only thing that has prevented me from running away is because I know it's idiotic and I don't want to fuck up my future, but I have reoccurring debates with myself whether it's worth the risk to start my life on a whole new page or just give up and die without ever trying. After realizing I'm getting worse, I have brought up the idea of seeing a therapist with my family earlier this year, which I can honestly say might be one of the worst decisions of my life. They questioned why, said to talk to them, and that we couldn't afford it. I told them I do not want to talk to them, and they are not professionals. Lately I've just been feeling bored and tired of life [Edited]. Sometimes I question whether my emotions are actually real because I feel tired at having to smile for people, fake laugh at people's jokes, and act like I give a shit or really care.

Last edited by PSY; March 11th 2014 at 11:47 PM. Reason: Removed triggering description of self-harm/suicide.
   
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re: Anger Issues & Suicidal Tendencies - March 11th 2014, 01:58 AM

Hey,

I'm really sorry that things have been so difficult lately. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of different emotions at once and I know that can probably become really overwhelming. I think you need to try and get to the bottom of these emotions and find out what is causing them. If you don't know the source of the emotions you're feeling it will be difficult to change them.

It sounds like the problems you're having with your parents are more a result of the negative emotions you're feeling rather than being the cause of them. It's a normal thing to get annoyed and to have conflict with your parents, but it shouldn't be causing extreme anger or depression. However, if you're already angry and depressed to begin with then conflict, no matter how small of a conflict it might be, can definitely intensify those emotions and make them far more difficult to deal with. I think that if you can resolve the conflict that is causing you to feel angry and depressed then you will also be able to resolve any conflict that stems from those emotions.

Firstly, I think that you should attempt to rebuild your past friendships, or maybe find some new ones. Not having much to do with your time can easily lead to feelings of depression. You need to feel as if you have a purpose, or at least something to do with your time. It's natural for all of us to crave social interaction, and if you're isolating yourself and not getting much it can cause major unhappiness in your life. The difficult part is that it kind of becomes an endless cycle. You don't want to hang out with friends because you're depressed, but not hanging out with friends makes you more depressed, which continues to make you not want to do anything. I've been in this cycle many times myself, and for me it's always come down to forcing myself to go out and have fun. I might not feel like seeing a friend or leaving my house, but after I force myself to do so I usually return home feeling a lot happier, and eventually it gets a lot easier to find the energy to go out and do things.

I think setting some goals for yourself and having things to strive for could also be really beneficial to you. You say that you don't like where you live or the people in your community. Maybe try focusing on moving someplace new someday. Work hard in school and look up some colleges you might be interested in attending that are located in an area that sounds more appealing to you. You might not be happy with where you're at right now in life, but your future is completely in your control. Being a teenager kind of sucks sometimes because you're stuck at home and you don't have much control over your life. But the future is all yours. You won't have to stay with your parents and you can live anywhere you want in the world. It might be far away from right now but it's never too soon to start working for what you want. Planning a better future for yourself could give you hope and remind you that you have something to live for.

Try to make as many improvements in your life as you can. If something makes you unhappy, change it. If it's out of your control for the time being, do your best to accept it or change it the best you can. Your happiness is within your own control. Try to find things to do with your time that improve your mood and make you feel less depressed.

If making these changes doesn't seem to lessen your feelings of depression then I think it would be a good idea to see a professional. You say that your parents didn't approve of this idea, but maybe you could try talking to another adult. You could see a guidance counselor or a social worker at your school. Tell them how you're feeling and explain to them that your parents don't feel that you need any professional help. Maybe you could have the counselor talk to your parents afterwards and if he/she feels that you would benefit from professional help then they might be able to suggest this to your parents. A lot of times parents fail to see the severity of the problems their children are facing. Maybe it's because they don't really understand mental illness, or simply that they don't want their child to be suffering so they choose to view the problem as less significant than it really is. Either way, hearing from another adult that your problems are real and that you would benefit from getting help for them might change their minds.

It might not seem like it right now but I promise you that things can get better. So many people have dealt with depression and found a way to get through it. You can be one of them! You're more than welcome to message me anytime if you ever need to talk. Good luck and hang in there.


   
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