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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hgiddings0310 Offline
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Mixed Feelings - April 20th 2014, 03:25 PM

Hi, my i'm 16 years old and felt I needed to let my feelings out to someone rather than a close friend. I'm too nervous to talk to a counsellor as I feel it will be awkward and my parents just wouldn't understand. I also wasnt sure what category to put this in...
So um yeah, basically within the past few months, I have been recovering from a self diagnosed eating disorder, I wasnt dangerously ill, or losing drastic weight, but I was on the brink of it getting seriously bad...I could feel myself getting more tired by the day, my legs, arms and back aching as i restricted myself to between EDITED calories a day, feeling sick and guilty if I ate anything fatty or bad, I was obsessed with a calorie counting app and exercise, making sure I kept my intake as low as possible...I'd be absolutely thrilled when my clothes began to loosen or I'd lose a pound in weight. Obviously I wasnt as sick as many people suffering out there, or even in a bad state, but I could feel myself deteriorating and having daily migraines until my boyfriend of 2 years sat me down and told me how he felt, how I was damaging my body and our relationship, how my school work was beginning to be affected.
On top of this, and probably what sparked my obsession off (along with years of bullying, being called fat, witch, hippo, ugly, elephant, whale, vile, disgusting, even whilst in primary school)... for about 2 years now, I have been dealing with what I think is depression...I say I think, because I dont knowm Ive tried self help and google and speaking to online counsellors but I just feel myself slip into this consumption. I began self harming 2 years ago, cutting myself occasionally with a blade on my feet, arms and thighs. I havn't let it get extremely bad ever, but every now and then it is my way of escaping, while my head feels consumed with sad thoughts, I feel useless, cry, believe everyone hates me and feel everything I do or touch turns to shit. I'm sorry this post is more of a blog post, I just needed to vent.
I have a younger sister whos 11 and I strongly believe my Dad prefers her to me. He treats me like shit, making me pay for ALL my things, making me do jobs and chores around the house and letting my sister do jack shit and get away with everything. This sounds like I am a stuck up, rich girl with problems...but no. Please realise my family is in no way rich, or spoilt and I have been bought up to recognise how to live and earn for myself. I just feel my Dad is sick of me, he doesnt support me with school (I have GCSE exams in 2 weeks and he expects me to clean the house and do jobs for him and mum, making out my school work to be unimportant) and I am always called lazy. This upsets me as I will be working or studying in my room yet still be called lazy and useless, as I havnt been doing something to help him. I applied for a saturday job to get out of the house, earn my own money and escape and he is apparently proud, yet he STILL expects me to juggle school work, my job, my hobbies and seeing friends along with his jobs he wants me to do...simply because "he pays for my phone bill". When we argue, my mum is involved and everything turns bad as my parents begin to argue and this triggers me into crying and cutting myself to ease my anger and pain and infuriation at how unfair I feel the situation is or how I've let myself get angry.

I don't know what is wrong with me, whether I am depressed or useless, I still think I am fat and disgusting and absolutelty HATE myself and my body no matter how hard I try to believe otherwise, or whether there is anything wrong with me at all I feel like I've let myself down with allowing myself to get so upset and angry and ruined most of the time.

Last edited by Spoons; April 20th 2014 at 04:22 PM. Reason: Please don't include Calorie numbers on the site. :)
   
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darlingnikki Offline
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Re: Mixed Feelings - April 21st 2014, 12:42 AM

Aside from waiting until you're 18 I have no advice on how to deal with your dad. Parents are the way they are and unless you are being abused you don't really have many options there. As far as you feeling bad about yourself it's very common. Between bullying at school and not having the home support you need and deserve having low self esteem is practically a given. I'm here to tell you that even the "prettiest" and "sexiest" people have low self esteem and it's up to us to deal with it. No matter how skinny an anorexic gets they will never be "skinny" enough. They have a name for the fact that they don't see themselves as they really look which is sickly to most of us. But it just goes to show you that if YOU aren't happy with yourself nothing else matters. You need to start loving you for you. If you want to loose weight to be healthy then do it, safely, But don't do it to make others like you because they still won't. You could be America's Next Top Model skinny and if you don't love you no one will.

As a girl growing up I had horrible acne, I'm only 4'9 and I was very tomboyish and I was teased constantly. I knew then that I would instill in my daughters that they were beautiful no matter what anyone else said to them as kids. I have three daughters and two sons. My husband and I tell our daughters (and have since birth) that they are beautiful. Our oldest daughter is 13 and she's very tall and very very skinny. Our 10 year old is average height for her age but over weight. And out baby girl is 4 and in school but she is mistaken for a 2 year old because she is so tiny!! All of them are different and all of them are beautiful and they accept their differences as part of what makes them so special and beautiful. Just because your parents didn't instill this in you doesn't mean you can't instill it in yourself baby girl.
   
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