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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
2hot4u Offline
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Confused and conflicted and need suggestions - May 15th 2014, 05:38 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ok so I am sorry if this is jumbled and doesn't make much sense..

I applied for Ontario Works (a financial aid through the government thing.. welfare) and I got it. However to get Ontario works, you have to be going through a program with the welfare office. It is either an employment program or a volunteer program.

My first visit to the employment worker was... well... hell. She almost made me have a panic attack, now I'm stressing about her constantly and I don't want to see her anymore. This is basically what happened when I saw her

I went in to talk to her, and she handed me a sheet that said "Needs to be available for calls from 9am-5pm" and I was like (somewhat jokingly) "Well I dont know if I will be able to answer the phone at 9am!" (although if i did get a call before I woke up, I would promptly return it).

She asked why, and I was truthful with a "I would probably be sleeping".

She didn't get it "Why would you be asleep at 9? You need to structure your life and have a sleep/wake schedule. You need to get up early. Jobs and appointments will need you to be on time! You can't just sleep the whole day!"

I kind of looked at her for a moment before saying "I know. I can get up when I need to be awake. I can be awake for classes, jobs and appointments. When I have nothing to do though, I sleep in"

She retaliated with "I have you scheduled for an appointment at 9am on may 14. Are you saying you wouldn't be able to make it?"

and I kind of looked at her. Was she stupid? (I get this voice when I am really pissed off/being pushed to the boundaries of comfort. My voice gets quiet, with a bit, ok a LARGE edge to it. So I got this voice and replied) "I just said I am able to be awake for meetings, appointments, interviews, jobs, school"

She replied "I still don't understand why you can't be awake and answer the phone. Life needs structure"

I replied with "You know... Its because I have a few mental illnesses at play, which cause me to always be exhausted. SO I sleep. I sleep when I can."

and she said "Im always tired too you know"

I just didn't reply.

I was supposed to go see her today but I called and cancelled because of how much seeing her panics me.

Anyways... The thing is... i don't want to go through the employment program. And I don't want to go through the volunteer program.

My counsellor suggested I get exempt from that sector of the welfare, which I am working on. Then today, she suggested that I apply for ODSP (Disability) because of the fact that my mental health hinders me leaving the house, leaves me not wanting to go, panicking in crowds etc.

If i got ODSP i would get more money each month, I would be immediately deferred from having to take part in the employment sector or the volunteer sector.

And this is where the conflict comes in- It would be great if I could get this. I could take my time finding a job, take it part time at first to try and ease into the work world (hello the rest of my life...) HOWEVER i don't really think I have a disability. I guess.. i just see my anxiety taking over me wanting to do anything. Like in all honesty I just want to stay in bed all day.

I do question going out a lot. Even when it is just with my friends. I always have a bunch of "what if's" and i always question whether it would be WORTH it to leave the house. Do i want to go? Should I go? Do i really want to go? Would it matter if i dont go?. And I do think thats awful. Especially seeing as I question going out WITH FRIENDS even.

I am also conflicted because I don't want to be one of those people that people badmouth for being on welfare and using government funds from tax payers when I have a perfectly able body. It wouldnt be a disability people could see which I feel would get people judging me if I told them.

Like.. i really do want to go do stuff... I just... Can't

I know I need a job but im terrified to get one. Im scared to be judged and to disappoint anyone and to talk to people and to have people seeing me.

I think of people i know... going out, getting jobs and school, starting families... setting up their lives... and then there is me. Im useless.

I have been self harming more lately too which is another thing that panics me. I don't want to have to wear a uniform and have people see my arm(s). I don't want to have panic attacks over people seeing scars. I used to be fine with it, now I am not. Now I get anxious and try to hide them no matter what.

Sorry if that was rambling and didn't make sense... I don't know. I guess I am looking for suggestions... guidance... what should I do... Should I go through with trying to get disability and everything, then work on getting meds for my mental health issues (dysthymia, major depressive disorder, general anxiety) then working on finding a job or something...

sorry Just very confused and stressed


R.I.P Mommy </3 July 1,1963-April 8, 2012. I miss you

It's a momentary relief from the existential terror of existence!

Had to get stitches for the first time due to self harm on June 2, 2013
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Re: Confused and conflicted and need suggestions - May 15th 2014, 02:00 PM

I'd say, if you are comfortable doing it, definitely go for all the help you can get. I know you may not be comfortable considering it as a disability, however if it's affecting your life that much then ignore the labels and just take the help. Especially if you won't have to put yourself through something that you're really struggling to cope with.
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Re: Confused and conflicted and need suggestions - May 16th 2014, 01:03 PM

I believe it would not hurt to apply and get the help. You would be able to take your time n getting better because you would be able to focus on your mental health, get medication you may need, continue therapy and slowly transition yourself into the work force. It is difficult to choose to take this sort of help however, it could be very useful to and only people theta need to know or that you want knowing have to know about your mental illnesses.
That is one thing I have to remind myself about my depression, I only tell who I want and who needs to know. It will take time for you to transition and to gain confidence to be able to do what you need to. You would not be using the system in a bad way, but you would be using it because you need help and you have evidence and sufficient reason for needing that help.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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Re: Confused and conflicted and need suggestions - May 20th 2014, 12:31 AM

thanks guys im hoping i can figure it all out and ease my stress a bit.


R.I.P Mommy </3 July 1,1963-April 8, 2012. I miss you

It's a momentary relief from the existential terror of existence!

Had to get stitches for the first time due to self harm on June 2, 2013
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