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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
sunflower Offline
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Is this real life or just fantasy? - May 21st 2014, 07:21 PM

seriously.

It's getting harder and harder for me to determine if I'm actually real or awake...
I feel so unreal.

It's difficult for me to explain what it feels like but it's not easy to do daily activities when everything seems or feels hazy and dream-like.

I babysit (more like nanny) and I'm feeling so detached from this kid and he's 18 months. The feeling of his skin or body on mine makes me feel like I'm dying. It feels like acid is being poured on me.

I thought about just leaving him or worse because nothing is real and he is making me so angry.
I didn't though. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've told my mom that can't do it anymore for this reason, among others. But she doesn't think it's a big deal.

I tried calling her just now and there is some crazy crisis going on so she couldn't talk.

I honestly just feel like none of this matters and I shouldn't bother.
I just want to die. Real or not. I'm done. I want to disappear.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Hiraeth Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - May 23rd 2014, 06:43 AM

I've experienced likewise intense, subconscious, spiritual and physical repulsions to specific things that make absolutely no sense to most people. They have persisted over many years' time and I have eventually started to identify clear patterns when it comes to the intensity of how I'll be affected. I spent a long time trying to overcome them, or trying to avoid triggers completely, or even giving into them (by thinking I'll never be able to live a normal life, that I should just kill myself, etc), a lot of "all or nothing" type thinking.

I've never been able to find a rational explanation for my experiences, and I've given up trying, because I believe that many phenomena simply defy "logic". There may be a deeper insight somewhere in there that will only ever make sense to ourselves as we go farther on the journey of self-understanding and discovery, but that is a gradual process...

Exposure to triggers knock my energy off balance and can make me feel dissociated for days afterward. So I try to be cautious, although there are always those days.... but I can function now, and there was a time when it was simply impossible.

I think it would be interesting to see how your everyday mental state affects, or is affected by, your interactions with the child. Maybe there's a correlation there, or maybe there isn't. Either way, it sounds like these interactions are not very healthy for you at the moment and it is probably appropriate to take a break. But I'm a firm believer in the innate wisdom of each person... while other people can help guide us towards asking the right questions and preparing the right responses, we're the only ones who can truly understand our needs, and when psychic energy is disturbed, it's a sign that there's an internal need that isn't being met somehow.

It's true that most people will probably have no idea what we're talking about, and just shrug it off because, they haven't experienced it to know. But if you think that my experience resonates with yours, I'd be happy to talk with you more...


"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - May 27th 2014, 08:46 PM

don't disappear... you can overcome it. I get the feelings that these personifications or apparitions or dreamy sensations only appear when you are going through a lot and are feeling weak-willed. and i get the feeling that you need to stop doubting yourself. There's so many good reasons to live, and all of them result in smiles and happiness.

I'm sorry to hear that you've went through so much. just remember that no matter how tough things they are, they'll get better. maybe just get more relaxed and that sort of feeling where a child irritates your senses or just makes you uncomfy will disappear.

it is a big deal . your problems matter a lot because they determine how happy you are. that is important because everyone deserves to be happy. you deserve to be happy.

and sometimes if you don't know whats real or what isnt, it can help to give yourself a light pinch on the cheeks. that can help reassure you that you are real, and so is everything else .

anytime you wanna talk, i'm just a pm away.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Philomath Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - May 27th 2014, 11:16 PM

Hi,

This sounds very challenging but I am glad you are doing what is best for you. Children can be fun to be around however if you feel this way around the child, it is great you realize this and have decided to back away.
I really think you should talk to your mom about this. These types of feelings can be associated with many different things and talking to a counselor or therapist can help you learn how to manage and cope when you are in these situations. Also, they may be able to help you connect with other resources in your community that could be helpful.
I remember when I was in high school at times, I del tike I was just in the world doing things but not really there, in a daze I guess, I knew what I was doing but I didn't really emotionally connect with everything. I still feel this way at times but talking through things and learning how to cope and utilize my energy has been useful.
I hope this helps and if you want to talk, you can PM or VM me.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
sunflower Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 2nd 2014, 09:50 PM

Thanks all. Unfortunately nothing has changed since I first posted this. idk


My ears are always open. If you want to vent, chit-chat, anything, just send me a message

Every drop in the ocean counts.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 2nd 2014, 10:03 PM

Hey, I'm sorry you feel this way. Whilst I haven't experienced exactly what you have stated, I have felt things ranging from "unreal" to just not there emotionally. Is it possible for you to talk to your mum at all? I think it could be helpful for you to explore these issues with a counsellor, and they can help you cope and deal with these feelings.

All the best
   
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 3rd 2014, 12:10 AM

just will yourself to believe that things can change... and make the effort to change it. no problem is insurmountable. you can overcome thisss.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Philomath Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 3rd 2014, 12:47 AM

I am sorry things have not gotten better for you since posting here.
Have you tried talking to your mom? Therapy or counseling could be rather useful to you. It is a huge step to take and quite scary but the benefits and insight you could gain are worth it.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
sunflower Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 3rd 2014, 12:49 AM

I do tell my mom sometimes, but not really, because she's no help.

I haven't talked about it with my therapist either.

I don't know why.

:/ I guess I just feel like it doesn't matter


My ears are always open. If you want to vent, chit-chat, anything, just send me a message

Every drop in the ocean counts.
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 3rd 2014, 01:15 AM

it does matter. You do matter. So dont give up on yourself.... we know you can do this.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
Philomath Offline
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Re: Is this real life or just fantasy? - June 3rd 2014, 12:17 PM

It does matter. Anything that affects your life negatively this greatly matters. Anything that makes you uncomfortable and that you are struggling with and do not understand matters.
Maybe you could write a note to your therapist and give it to them during therapy as a way to start talking about this. That might be easier than trying to find the words to bring it up. You can also write a note to explain things to your mom.
She may not be able to help you directly in ways your therapist could however, she can be a person that will listen and that cares about you.
I usually get nervous when trying to talk about certain things and end up avoiding the topic even if it is on my mind/I am experiencing something often. That is not the way to go, it just creates more anxiety and frustration and repetitiveness but talking about things is a lot better.
I hope this helps.


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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