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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
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Can't voice my oppinion - September 29th 2014, 12:22 PM

Like the titel says, I have really really huge problems voiceing my oppinion or making decision when others are involved.
When we go shopping I just tag along, visiting the shops the others want to go into and I just can't bring myself to tell them where I want to go. Even if they ask me I can't say it I just end up shrugging and saying something about how I already was everywhere i wanted to go even if it's a lie.
Just yesterday I wanted to tell my flatmate that i can't go with her to the pool once she isn't ill anymore, as it's impossible for me to go there, but I couldn't. We sat in a cafe and I had more than one chance to tell her but I couldn't. I couldn't say a word. I couldn't even say her name to get her attention as she was looking outside the window. I tried to tap her knee, to get her attention but I couldn't move. It was like it was physical impossible for me to say or do anything. I really tried just to force myself but half an hour long I couldn't say a single word and then my chance passed me...
It's like that with a lot of things. When we discuss, what we are going to cook, when we talk about going out, when the others ask me if I want to go to a pub with them. Always, every single time, I end up just tagging along even if I don't really want to, or I remain silent when I disagree or am asked for my oppinion.
My flatmate even said, that sometimes it annoyes her, 'cause i never say what's on my mind and she always has to ask me and can never be sure if I really mean it or just agree with her.
And everyone is really nice, I know noone would be angry if I wanted to go somewhere else or disagreed or something, but still I just can't open my damn mouth and say what i think and it's really starting to become a problem. Firstly everyone is annoyed with me and secondly I am starting to get angry at the others 'cause I end up in restaurants I dont want to go to, meet up at pubs eventhough I'm tired and feel sick and all this stuff. I know it's my fault but I can't help feeling angry and so I make excuses about having to do stuff and reasons why I can't go out with them, but that's doing more bad than good....

Has anyone an idea what i can do about this? Because i really can't keep suddenly going mute just because I want to say something or making excuses that so obviously are excuses that I'm not even asked anymore.
I have enough problems as it is and this just makes everything worse and I would really appreciate any idea how to solve this.


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Can't voice my oppinion - September 29th 2014, 02:37 PM

Hi there,

You sound a bit like me! Iím currently dealing with something similar. For me, when I go to town with friends, get asked an opinion, go for food etc, I just tag along. I have problems with anxiety so given the chance I would choose a familiar place to go to every time, but honestly, most of the time I donít mind where I go or what I do.

This also annoys my friends a lot. It gets to the point where my friend forces me to choose between restaurants, shops, even floors of shops and when I went graduation dress shopping, my friend got annoyed because every dress she showed me, I just said ĎThatís nice!Ē I just couldnít bring myself to tell her how I truly felt about the dresses, even though we were looking for dresses for ME, as she already had hers

Iím sure your friends arenít that annoyed at you. When my friend forces me to choose, it is like a joke, but also an important lesson that I never learnt- your opinion DOES matter. As hard as it is, try not to get angry at the others or yourself, because thatís not helping the situation.

How is your self-esteem? I feel that when my opinion of myself goes down, I am less likely to speak out. For example, when I felt less confident about myself, I would think of things to say, but never say them. I would also avoid eye contact. I think this happens because we assume that, since we have a low opinion of ourselves, then others are judging us. The truth is, thatís just not true. Itís mostly in our minds, and we will never know if someone judges us or not, unless we ask them directly/they tell us- which is highly unlikely! When I feel better about myself, I find that I am able to make eye contact, say things rather than keep it inside my head and occasionally make a decision.

If you do have a low opinion of yourself, perhaps you could start challenging that? Remind yourself of your positive qualities, and that your friends do value your opinion, and that they wonít be annoyed at you. You deserve to be happy, not Ďsuffering in silenceí. Perhaps take up confidence classes or assertiveness training, if they are offered in your area. Try to make small goals of voicing your opinion (no matter how small it may seem!) each day, and then build on it to make decisions. Perhaps you could start doing this with family or a trusted friend? Then build up to several friends. Do things that you enjoy doing, that also give you satisfaction of overcoming a challenge- this can definitely boost your confidence. You could also look online for ways to build confidence. If you find that nothing works, perhaps you could talk to a counsellor? They can also help with self-esteem and confidence issues.

Lastly, as you know, try not to avoid the situations- once you start practising being more assertive, it will become easier for you.

Hope I helped a bit
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Can't voice my oppinion - September 30th 2014, 04:12 PM

Hi Holly,

I agree, that really sounds similar^^

You think so? I never even really considered that. When my friend said she doesn't like it I just assumed she was annoyed with me. I never thought about the fact that she may have meant it in a different way... maybe I will ask her how she meant it (if I can manage to do so).
I'm trying. Sometimes it's just hard to not get angry when you feel so stuck
but I will try to remember this.

Self-esteem huhu.... *shrinks* That's the one thing I forget in my bed when I get up in the morning half of the time... It makes sense. I didn't even realice it before, but sometimes I feel like I have no right to deny someone else their choice. Like when we choose something to eat and my flatmate wants A then I just go along, even if I don't like it 'cause what right do I have to deny her her wish? Even now, I can't really wrap my head around the fact that I probably have the same right to eat what I want as her. I know i have but it just seems... wrong?

I will try to do that. Maybe start today by telling her, that I would prefer my sauerkraut warm instead of cold...
There are confidence classes? I didn't even know that. Once I am back home I may take a look into that.

I hope so.

Thanks! Now I at least don't feel like my body is out to get me anymore and I have a rough idea about the problem and can try to fight this! You helped me a lot!


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
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