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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
FrozenFire Offline
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Letting go... - October 6th 2014, 04:20 AM

I have such a horrible time letting go of things. May it be a relationship, a late pet I had owned or even an article of clothing. To be very specific, I was very emotional in middle school. Mainly the 8th grade where my hormones were all over the place, I was extremely depressed about what I realize was nothing. There was a girl I had class with or was friends with from the 4th grade until that point, we reconnected in the 6th grade until 8th. I called her my best friend. I was going through things emotionally, trying to figure myself out and she was always there for me during those times. Yes I get it I was a "Typical 12 year old idiot thinking he has problems," and I really did. All the people I held close to me at the time were very unhappy with their lives and most committed self harm. It wasn't a very happy environment.

This girl was always there for me when I really needed to. I felt as if I could speak my mind with her... but only online. We were such great friends, I called her my best friend really, anyway in person when I was near her I was a nervous wreck. This is throughout the whole 8th grade. It was around October when I openly told her how I felt about her inside. I almost melted when she said she felt the same way. I was never so happy in my life. This girl I've known since elementary school, in which I had so many feelings for said she liked me back. (Sadly I remember the date) October 22nd 2012, I finally decide to ask her to be my girlfriend. She said "Yes (my name), I love you." Coming from her, I kept those words really close to my heart, even before when signing off of the app we used to talk on, saying "iloveyou gnight" would make me happy. I'd get UNhappy if she didn't say it honestly.

Now of course, relationships with your close friends WILL NOT WORK OUT, DONT DO IT! Because we lasted two weeks or so, (until November 13th). I tried to kiss her actually when coming home from school, and she pushed me back. I was emotionally scarred. I mean, thinking of it now still bothers me (3 years later). I thought of every single possibility where it could be explained, I tried to block out the possibility that she was going to break up with me. That evening she sadly did tell me all the times she said "I love you" and other things like that, she did not mean it. I fell apart. I was going ice skating later that day, and everyone said I looked like I had a cloud over my head. Getting through those hours without crying was so difficult.

Me and her didn't talk in school for a couple of months, but some time in March I mustered up the courage to speak to her again online. It was horribly awkward, I was just in a puddle of tears those few months, I didn't want to move or do anything, but my parents not knowing of my relationship, I had to keep it all inside and secretive.

Eventually we were back to being really close friends, getting mad at each other over the smallest things and such, and I was just so happy again. I met a new girl, and we were together for the rest of our 8th grade year. She hated my new girlfriend with a passion. That made it hard to talk about them to one another. All throughout being with my girlfriend I knew I was more attracted to the other girl more, in every single way possible. I was f*cking blind as shit, and wouldn't stop talking to her about my girlfriend, I didn't f*cking get it that she didn't want to hear about my girlfriend, and still had great feelings for me. I just didn't see it. I made her cry so much because she too, was just a bottle of unchecked emotions. Both her and my girlfriend have very strict religious parents. So we kept everything about each other in secrecy.

Well. That's the end of middle school. High school here in my state is like applying to colleges! You apply to specific programs/majors in the highschool you want, and you better hope that you get accepted into the school. The original girl I began talking about is now in a prestigious honors school all the way out in the big city. My school is still a good hour bus ride away, but our test scores can't compare to that of the school she goes in. My girlfriend SOMEHOW transferred to my school from the school she got put into (which was very ghetto, and NOT good). To sum this ^ up, I was separated from her. We stopped communicating over the summer of 8th to 9th grade.

I hoped to see her on the bus. I hoped to see her walking home. I hoped to see her walking from picking up her younger sister. I hoped to see her at band rehearsal. I hoped to see her when going to the corner store for a bag of chips. I hoped to see her when out with friends. I hoped to see her when ON VACATION IN FLORIDA. I hoped to see her when on a fucking cruise ship. I hoped to see her IN my highschool, that she actually was accepted into, but she chose the prestigious school. I hoped to see her.

I actually did, very few times though. I can count the amount of times I saw her around the neighborhood with my hand over the last 3 years. I even talk to one of my best friends in highschool now. I'll call him L. I told L basically everything I've stated here. He lives close to me, so we go home together, laugh, talk etc. Each time we get on the bus I literally would say "Imagine if D____ is on the bus?"

After doing that for the past few years I'm starting to think I have a problem. I was on facebook while at his house with some other friends (we were really drunk and high ) and I got a friend request from an old friend from middle school, who is ALSO in the prestigious school that the girl goes to. I was high at the time so I didn't think much of it, but later in the night, I literally checked her friends list. and there I saw that this girl who's been on my mind had a facebook, which I'd never known about. Once I was sobered up I was just shaking. I didn't know what to think of it. The girl has my phone number, why didn't she tell me she has a facebook? She added people from our old middle school. If she'd remembered to add them, then I sure must have been a thought on her mind at the time. Then it hit me... why the shit am I shaking? Why is she on my mind? Why do I still think about things like this? I read a lot of things, watch a lot of shows, I major in law in highschool, so I've learned my fair share of people with a few issues, and just a few hours ago I began to think maybe I am one of those people who have an issue?

Why am I still thinking of someone from 3 freaking years ago? My bro L is probably creeped out about it, but never said that he was, but honestly, it's pretty weird. I acknowledge that, my thoughts are in the wrong. I shouldn't be caring about people from the past, and what they possibly might be thinking of me. It's plain unhealthy. I still, don't find myself attracted to any other girls. After feeling such deep emotions to one, I don't think I can just feel the same thing again. I haven't.

That's the full run down. Does it sound like it's a problem?

Note, no I have literally no mental issues, I'm a fully capable person of completing tasks etc if I put my mind to them and such. But if I'm thinking of someone from 3 years ago, and actually stuck thinking about it, I should seek guidance.

I really really would appreciate some advice from people on this website.



   
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Re: Letting go... - October 6th 2014, 08:45 AM

Hm, I tried reading your whole post but my focus isn't too grate right now (otherwise I would be studying) so I missed out on some. But to mee it seems as if you should except that it hurt you and then move on. But you probably figured that one out yourself. Maybe you should start with letting go of little things. Than if you slowly start getting accustomed to the fact that it doesn't always have to be painful you can move on with bigger things. Start with a worn out T-shirt for exemple. And most of all take your time.
   
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Re: Letting go... - October 6th 2014, 01:10 PM

Hey FrozenFire (love your name by the way! )

What you wrote reminded me of myself, but in a different situation.

For me, I unconsciously sought mother figures (Iím not saying you are at all, but I need to say that to explain my situation ) I became attached to a certain female teacher and that was it. I couldnít let go at all and I was also 12. It was like I was obsessed with her. I was dealing with my own stuff as well, and like you I couldnít go to my parents. When I had to move to high school, I became very low and missed her like crazy. After a while, I felt a bit better but I was always thinking of her like ĎWhat is she doing now?í ĎWhere is she?í ĎWhat would she say if she saw this?í. I searched for her too. Whenever I went somewhere, if it was town, or the cinema, I would always be on the lookout for her. I managed to keep in contact with her and like you, just simple things like putting a kiss on the end of a message made my heart leap, and when she didnít I felt a bit hurt. I met up with her once last year, and I was a nervous wreck. In fact, most of the time that she was my teacher (a very long time ago), I was always nervous around her. But online, I can say so much more to her. I constantly talked about her to my best friend, who got fed up of hearing about it all the time. Whenever she post things on Facebook, or adds other friends, I end up shaking too. This went on for years, and even now, I sometimes feel this way.

Iím wondering how your support network is? Do you have many other friends to talk to or just hang out with? Sometimes being around other people, can help to take our mind of things. If you start to think about the girl, tell yourself that now isnít the time, and instead focus on the conversation. Also, what about hobbies and interests? I find that when I am absorbed in something, I spend less time thinking about things that bother me.

Do you still find yourself bottling things up? Perhaps you could try writing them down to get it out of your system? I find that keeping your emotions inside can be worse in the long run, so allowing yourself to freely express yourself in a safe way can very beneficial.

Are you nervous around others or just that girl? If itís just that particular girl, I think what tends to happen, is we admire them so much, we forget they are human and that they have their own problems and flaws. We start to feel that we arenít good enough for them, but this isnít true.

As for the shaking, are you sure it wasnít from whatever you were taking? When I shake, itís because Iím full of anxiety and I feel Ďtriggeredí that I am going to be abandoned. I think this a feeling from the past, affecting how I think in the present as, logically, I am not going to be abandoned. If it happens again, perhaps write down what happened to make you shake and anything you might have been doing or thinking at the time. This will help you to find a pattern, and will be easier to find a solution.

Unfortunately, Iím not an expert and I had no help at the time when I was going through my similar situation, so I canít say what it is. But I can say that you are not alone in having difficulty letting go. Itís also really good that you reached out and posted this!

I think that if it is affecting your life, and since it has been an ongoing thing, maybe you would benefit from seeing a counsellor? They can help you understand your behaviour and help you to move on a bit. Also, are you having any help with your depression? Counselling can help with that too.

Take care
   
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Re: Letting go... - October 7th 2014, 10:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf View Post
Hey FrozenFire (love your name by the way! )

What you wrote reminded me of myself, but in a different situation.

For me, I unconsciously sought mother figures (Iím not saying you are at all, but I need to say that to explain my situation ) I became attached to a certain female teacher and that was it. I couldnít let go at all and I was also 12. It was like I was obsessed with her. I was dealing with my own stuff as well, and like you I couldnít go to my parents. When I had to move to high school, I became very low and missed her like crazy. After a while, I felt a bit better but I was always thinking of her like ĎWhat is she doing now?í ĎWhere is she?í ĎWhat would she say if she saw this?í. I searched for her too. Whenever I went somewhere, if it was town, or the cinema, I would always be on the lookout for her. I managed to keep in contact with her and like you, just simple things like putting a kiss on the end of a message made my heart leap, and when she didnít I felt a bit hurt. I met up with her once last year, and I was a nervous wreck. In fact, most of the time that she was my teacher (a very long time ago), I was always nervous around her. But online, I can say so much more to her. I constantly talked about her to my best friend, who got fed up of hearing about it all the time. Whenever she post things on Facebook, or adds other friends, I end up shaking too. This went on for years, and even now, I sometimes feel this way.

Iím wondering how your support network is? Do you have many other friends to talk to or just hang out with? Sometimes being around other people, can help to take our mind of things. If you start to think about the girl, tell yourself that now isnít the time, and instead focus on the conversation. Also, what about hobbies and interests? I find that when I am absorbed in something, I spend less time thinking about things that bother me.

Do you still find yourself bottling things up? Perhaps you could try writing them down to get it out of your system? I find that keeping your emotions inside can be worse in the long run, so allowing yourself to freely express yourself in a safe way can very beneficial.

Are you nervous around others or just that girl? If itís just that particular girl, I think what tends to happen, is we admire them so much, we forget they are human and that they have their own problems and flaws. We start to feel that we arenít good enough for them, but this isnít true.

As for the shaking, are you sure it wasnít from whatever you were taking? When I shake, itís because Iím full of anxiety and I feel Ďtriggeredí that I am going to be abandoned. I think this a feeling from the past, affecting how I think in the present as, logically, I am not going to be abandoned. If it happens again, perhaps write down what happened to make you shake and anything you might have been doing or thinking at the time. This will help you to find a pattern, and will be easier to find a solution.

Unfortunately, Iím not an expert and I had no help at the time when I was going through my similar situation, so I canít say what it is. But I can say that you are not alone in having difficulty letting go. Itís also really good that you reached out and posted this!

I think that if it is affecting your life, and since it has been an ongoing thing, maybe you would benefit from seeing a counsellor? They can help you understand your behaviour and help you to move on a bit. Also, are you having any help with your depression? Counselling can help with that too.

Take care
Wow, your case sounds just like mine, except I wasn't really looking for a mother figure. Weird enough I just imagine all the time of what she would think of me if I was doing ____ or ____. I really don't know why.

Honestly, I have plenty of friends which I spend time with after school each day! I'm not lonely at all, if I wanted to talk to a friend I could call them and chat. Hobbies? Video games 24/7. I bottle most things up because of how I used to be. All sad and mopey. So if I'm feeling bad I'll just ignore it and listen to music or something. I've tried the whole writing thing, I find it fruitless. The most comfort I find when feeling down is to vent out to my best friend, but I haven't been interacting with her at all lately. Our school schedules are completely different, so I don't see her anymore.

Counselors? My school guidance counselors are pure sh*t. Why? Because there are 4,600 students in my small school. We're one of the most over crowded schools in America. Now think of how many other people may have the same issues as me, or even worse? The guidance counselors don't give two shi*ts about the student because there are just too many of us. So no, I never have and never will talk to a guidance counselor in my school.

No, my high wore off by that time. There were 4 of us left, and decided to crash at L's place. We were watching tv, and I was just on my laptop. I freaked out even more once I got home the next morning when I was fully sober, and realized "Wow she has a facebook." I just... freaked out. I literally don't know why seeing her facebook profile just made me so nervous. I just hope I run into her in person, so I have a good reason to add her or something. Randomly adding her now would seem creepy...



   
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