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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
thebty99 Offline
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Please help me escape this misery - November 18th 2014, 02:21 AM

I feel like I need to tell my whole life story for any of this to make any sense at all, but I will try my best to simplify. I have been depressed ever since I was about 9 years old when my great grandma passed. She was very important to me as she always cared and showed love, I always did the same. She was one of the very few people that I genuinely loved. One day I found out that she was very very slowly dying of cancer. She was very well loved in my family and so my father and I would always visit her in the hospital, every chance we could. I would cry everytime I would see how she was suffering, but always made and excuse (I never expressed my emotions, most likely becuase I was never taugh to do so). When she finally did pass a way after her 3 month battle I stayed home from school and all I could do was cry, I cried for 3 days straight not doing anything else but sleeping, I was devestated and have been depressed ever since. Shortly after my gram passed so did one of my parents friends, he was also one of my friends, we would go quad riding, fishing, and visit him often and all of the sudden my parents both looked at me and said "Gregg is dying of cancer" we immediately went to see him when we knew. We would visit him almost every day as he only lived a mIle away. His cancer was very very aggressive and he would turn yellow and sometimes grey. It was so sad to watch another person so close to me die right in front of my eyes. After his death I also stayed home from school and balled and balled and balled. I consider thoes events to be the triggers of my depression becuase other than that I grew up getting everything I wanted (rich). Then on September 12 2011 my child hood best friend Daniel commited suicide. Maybe best friend isn't the right word to use, Daniel was more of an older brother to me than anything and I loved him for it, I was an only child and so was he, he was 3 years older than me. I remember how when we were little we always used to build big ramps and scare all of the old ladies in the neighborhood with our stunts. When he killed himself I wasn't effected much initially, I guess it was just disociation. All of my grades went down and I guess that's when depression started to become a normal thing for me. At his viewing I was not too upset, the thing that got to me was when his poor mother ran up to the casket yelling for him to come back to her, after I saw that I didn't know how to feel, it was so sad to see that I felt numb. Even tho I never really cried for daniel at that time everytime even years later I think about all the things we could be doing now and just I cry my eyes out, I really miss him. A year later in November I came home and saw the state loading up my 7 dirt bikes and quad. My mom told me that it was the gas well company and sent me to my grandmas house. Later that night when I got home my dad looked at me and told me that what I saw was our house getting raided. My dad was a drug dealer, cocaine. I had such a good life before this incident and now that everything was gone I would begin to learn something about my parents that I had no idea about. First off let me say that my whole life growing up was nothing but my parents yelling at me or at each other. For the winter months after the raid all my dad did was lay on the couch, too depressed to even eat or drink. My mom then became depressed too. Then the mania happened EVERYNIGHT my parents would start to scream at each other about money and how we would have to live poor. What they didn't know was that I didnt even know what poor was, I had life handed to me by the ass. I had nothing now and would never get all of my things back, I was just an innocent kid and within a day all of my memories of riding and shooting guns just weren't there anymore (hardest part of my life). About a year later after every thing is cooled down my parents fighting get to the point where my dad moves out. He moved to our tree nursery 10 minutes away. The divorce was such a big change for me. Immeaditaly my dad was already in another realationship. He was now dating a murderers wife for christs sake. A few months ago I was told that she was pregnant the due date is around my birthday also. To this day my parents still fight ever tho theu don't live together. They always put me in the middle of their fights too for no good reason at all, my dad always threatens to take away the only thing i have in life, wnich is our mansion that sits on a cliff, it is the only thing left from the raid, they left the house. I have tried to kill myself 3 times one of the times permanently damaging my kidneys, I now pee blood at all times. I just want my madness to end. My dad has still not been sentenceed after years of waiting but he finally is next month. I hope that someone here can relate to me or at least even reply back to me. Thanks for letting me vent.
   
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Re: Please help me escape this misery - November 18th 2014, 09:46 PM

Hey,

I really can't relate to any of this but when I read it I teared up. I'm so sorry about how you're life has been and currently is. I want to be here for you. If you ever need anything please, please send me a message. I know life is shitty right now but you have to think about the future. It can be bright if you want it to be. You can escape from the horror you live in each day. Don't let your parents divorce overwhelm you.

I'll always be here for you

~Amanda


'I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore...'
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Please help me escape this misery - November 19th 2014, 02:33 PM

Hey there,

Iím glad you posted all of that. It must have been some relief for you to get it out of your system. It can be very helpful to write down whatever is bothering you.

Iím sorry to hear about the passing of your great grandmother, your parentís friend and your best friend. It can be very hard to lose the ones we love so much. Since you were young at the time, it is possible that you may have found these things to be traumatic, as children may not have the coping methods to help them get through these events, and instead rely on the support of others. When someone has a terminal illness, it can also be more distressing since we see their suffering, and are powerless to change things. When my dad was dying, I found it very difficult as he too suffered. I tried not to cry and hold it in. But that does no good. It can be very helpful to cry or find other ways of expressing your emotion such as creating art, or writing.

It is very possible that these events may have triggered your depression. However, I also wanted to say that depression can affect anyone at any time. It doesnít matter if you are rich or poor. From what you have written, I get the feeling that these people you lost, were very much like your family, even if they werenít, especially since you said you were an only child. When you say you werenít initially affected by your best friendís suicide, it may have been dissociation since the other events were traumatic, but it could also be a mixture of grief and depression. When my dad died last year, I spent most of this year Ďnumbed outí. I got very confused, couldnít understand anything, and didnít really care. I nearly failed university too. It is very natural to think about the things you could be doing with a loved one, had they not passed away, and to get upset about this. I find it helpful to dedicate some time to thinking about my dad, but then only that time, so I donít think about it a lot, so I donít get down as much.

Iím also very sorry to hear about the raid and how your parents would fight a lot and the divorce. This mustíve been very hard and stressful for you. Do you have any other friends you could hang out with? Itís not fair or right that your parents put you in the middle of their arguments. I canít imagine how you must be feeling right now, given that you may feel like you donít have much family left. Perhaps you could join clubs or take up hobbies? Doing things you enjoy can help take your mind off things, especially when life gets stressful.

You could check out our reasons to live thread, and our hotlines if you ever feel suicidal again. I also recommend that you get counselling, perhaps grief or trauma counselling, to help you overcome all of this. You can also check out our who can help me thread for ideas of other people to talk to. Don't forget you can always use the forums, HelpLINK and Live Help!

Take care


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