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Evabby Offline
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Exclamation I hate what I have become.! �� - December 6th 2014, 03:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have no idea where to put this so ill put it here.!
June 30 2013 Was my second attempt to kill myself. I came really close. I went to the hospital that day but was admitted to the psych unit. I was at that hospital for a month and 12 days. I tried to kill myself for many reason the abuse with my brother. The fighting in the family, neglect, and depression and not exactly knowing where it came from or what triggered it. I didn't get any better there. That hospital was when I first told about my rape. I was then transferred to a long term hospital on August 12 2013. That was the place where I got diagnosed many things. See I had been hearing voices and seeing people and illusions. I got diagnosed with unspecified schizophrenia. Severe anxiety, depression, PTSD and one more involving neglect between mother and child. I was put on some medications that helped and some that didn't. I was at that hospital for many months I got better, it helped but I couldn't come home. So on march 3 2014 I was moved to a resident treatment facility and I just got out of there December 2 2014. I worsened at the RTF. I had one person that really stuck by my side through all of this. And I just found out that this person has felt overwhelmed by all of this. All the times I came to her about my hallucinations overwhelmed her I felt so bad. Since being home when I haven't been home for a year and a half I have become really depressed my hallucinations have been really bad. I still feel neglected and I just feel really selfish to myself that I wanted to come home so bad that I didn't see what I really needed. I feel like I have no friends, I'm trying to work things out with that one person eh has been here for me. I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible. I feel so lost and confused. I feel like I don't have a safe place. " Lilly and Walter" take me places but they are scary and they are trying to control me. I just don't know. I feel out of control. I feel like I waited to long to come home that now that I'm home things haven't changed here and I feel like they need to change for things to get better. Sigh. I'm just confused and sad and scared. ��
   
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Re: I hate what I have become.! �� - December 7th 2014, 08:22 PM

Hey there,

First off, Iím really sorry to hear everything you have been through. It mustíve been really difficult to deal with all of that.

Also sorry to hear that the person felt overwhelmed. This isnít your fault at all. I think the person might have needed some help for themselves, before trying to support you. Try not to feel bad about it. Also, donít feel selfish about wanting to come home either. I canít imagine what it mustíve been like going to different hospitals and residential treatment facility, so itís only natural you would want to come home.

Has the abuse stopped now? That would be the first thing that needs to get sorted in order to help you feel safe. As for feeling neglected, is there something that is making you feel that way? It is understandable that you might feel a bit lonely, haven not been home in over a year. You need to give yourself time to settle in. Iím sure that you will get things sorted with that person who supported you. Let them know that you care about them and are grateful for all their support in the past, and would like to continue having a friendship with them. Are you in school? Is it possible to make friends there? If not, are there any clubs or groups you could join in your area?

Iím also wondering what support you have, since returning home. Do you have counselling at all? Discussing these feelings with a counsellor can also help make you feel Ďsafeí. And since you are having hallucinations, is it possible to have your medication reviewed to help deal with them?

I guess it would be disappointing coming home, wanting things to have changed and get better, and then realising that nothing has changed. Perhaps you could think of all the things that you want to change, and then think of how to change them. If they are things that you canít change, then maybe you could think of how to change your perspective of the situation (e.g. think positively rather than negatively), or developing better coping methods to deal with the situation, for example, spending some time away from family if they are the cause of your stress. You could also write your feelings down, draw, dance, sing etc., to express your emotions in healthy way so they donít build up inside you. Itís equally important to have good communication with those around you, so that they can help make changes for the better.

Hope I helped a bit,

Take care


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