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darksoulx Offline
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Question Am I okay? Is this normal? - December 9th 2014, 09:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm 13. I've had a lot online tests. According to them, I have depression, bipolar disorder, an OCD and anxiety. I don't know if I should believe that the results are true or not. But here's more about me.
Anxiety: I'm always afraid to answer the phone. I always wear a snapback in public to avoid eye contacts, I'm really scarred of eye contacts, I can't look at anyone in the eye for longer than 1 second. I never feel comfortable talking to strangers, even if I'm buying something, I'm afraid to talk to the guy who works in the store. My heart is always beating so fast.
Depression: Suicidal thoughts. I'm always feeling sad and guilty and I just can't live with that stupid, selfish, awful person who is me.
Bipolar disorder: I have mood swings. Like I'd be happy about something, and a minute later I'd remind myself of the awful person I am and I'd remind myself that I don't deserve to be happy.
OCD : I have this habit of taking a sip of water after every meal. But I'd end up drinking like 2 cups of water to make sure that I drank water in the first place. I wash my hands a lot. Like really a lot. When I'm typing on my laptop and I press on a letter quickly, I'd press on it again to make sure I did in the first place. At night, when I'm about to sleep, I'd turn off my phone and leave it in the living room and go to bed, and I'd get out of bed again to make sure I turned it off in the first place. I always have to check on things like for 20 times before letting it go. I'm not good at describing that but there's also a lot of other things that I can't describe.

I also have thoughts that make me sad or uncomfortable. I'd imagine myself ripping pages off my favorite book. I imagine myself breaking my guitar which means a lot to me. I imagine myself cutting my long hair *I like it and I don't wanna cut it, imagining that makes me sad, as lame as it sounds*. I check my watch once every 2 minutes, it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm always nervous. When I'm studying or reading a book, I find it hard to concentrate, and when I'm reading a page, I'd have no idea what happened five pages ago even if I just read it 2 minutes ago, and I just keep reminding myself of things that make me sad and I just can't study or read or do anything. When I meet someone for the first time and have a conversation with them, I'd forget their name 5 minutes later. When I'm sitting, I'm always shaking my leg or playing with whatever I'm holding or shaking my head to music that is not even there. My blood pressure is always high due to how nervous I am.

I want to know.. is this normal? Is something wrong with me? Any advice would be apprecciated.

PS: I don't wanna take any medicine or talk to a proffesional.

Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.
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Re: Am I okay? Is this normal? - December 9th 2014, 10:48 AM

Hi Habiba, welcome to TeenHelp!
Hopefully we can help and that you are finding your way around the site okay.

Online tests can be a good basis (depending on their validity) however they should never be taken as fact or substituted for an official diagnosis from a mental health professional. The tests are created mainly to educate people about the symptoms of a disorder/condition and they are intended to be discussed with a professional that can perform actual psychological testing to determine if someone has a specific condition or disorder.
It is very easy for people to believe they have certain disorders and conditions because as people, we are not perfect and we can see the times where we fit into the category of one problem or another.
However, if your life is being extremely impacted by OCD, depression and anxiety than it would be best for you to talk to a mental health professional so that they can give you appropriate treatment ie. use of different therapies in combination with medication (if necessary). They can also connect you to groups of people that have depression and anxiety or OCD so that you can connect with people that may understand better than people who do not have these experiences can.
I want you to know that you are not stupid, dumb, lame or any other negative thought you may be thinking you are. Everyone has different situations they go through and many people have depression, anxiety, OCD and bipolar.
I know you mentioned you do not want to talk to a professional but maybe calling a hotline would be helpful to you. The people at the hotlines are trained to talk to people with anxiety and other issues but they are not counselors and you can remain anonymous if you would like.
It also may help you to journal or start a private blog here on TeenHelp so that you can have a safe, confidential way of expressing your thoughts and writing out what situations make you anxious and why. It can help to express these things through something you enjoy such as writing, art of some form ie. painting, drawing etc., you can run or do many other things to help.
You did not mention self harm however you mentioned suicide and I believe that this thread of Self Harm Alternatives will be helpful to you. These activities may help you think of something fun to do that can help you be less anxious. You may find the calm jar particularly helpful as an example.

Hopefully this is helpful and not an overwhelming amount of information.
I want to help in any way I can even if that is just listening so do not worry about messaging me here if you would like someone to talk to.
Take care and you will get through this.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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