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Not_here Offline
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blurred difference - February 24th 2015, 01:51 AM

It is getting really hard to tell if something is simply a personality trait/quirks/ an appropriate reaction to a situation. Basically the difference between "normal" and a "disorder".

Well I'll start off by saying that today I found buckwheat cooked on the stove and I put some in a plate and began eating it. Now I have this way of eating-I'm standing, kinda tense, kinda like not aware and zoned out and as I'm eating I drop the plate. It makes a huge noise, and i scare my cat away but yeah basically it isn't broken. It just had me thinking though. Like I know everyone has clumsy "moments" but these kinds of things happen quite often for me.

See, I don't know if my lack of focus is because I'm tired from a day at school or if I'm tired because I'm depressed (I am depressed) or from something else. It's hard to pinpoint. I do believe I had clumsiness traits before I had mental health problems like depression and anxiety. I also had a lot of worrying from very young. Like as young as three years old.

This is just one example. If I tried, I can think of more. It's frequent. In the summer I was riding a bicycle and fell and injured both my hands because I was zoning out. A lot of the time I zone out and miss my stop or things of this nature.

It isn't just clumsiness either. I guess it's my whole experience of being me. My handwriting is messy. I have speech problems which was really obvious until high school but then people start telling me they don't notice it anymore. One time I told my former therapist that I'm self conscious about my speech and she was just staring at me blankly like "huh, you don't have a speech problem" But I know i do (or at least I did) because all throughout school I was sent to these school specialist people and I never really got descent help as much as it was suggested that I did. But I guess it kinda just went away?
The same is for reading problems. It was probably small to begin with so I wouldn't call it a disability. I was never diagnosed with a disability.

Then there's things like procrastination, time management, organization, low energy. These things can be literally anything. Like doesn't everyone procrastinate? But does everyone procrastinate to the extent that I do? Is that even valid?

I've been called slow in various contexts, namely things involving motor skills such as manual labor or sports. In volleyball class my teacher wanted to fail me for not having "a good body" and she singled me out. I basically wasn't allowed to play in a team and had to practice against the wall over and over again. You know why? Because I was placed in a team, that team complained and I got sent around to each team till everyone complained and then there was no team left to throw me in.

These things i lack in, like when I get points off my paper for poor handwriting or I can't finish my test in time. Or my room is messy. Or when I can't articulate what I'm trying to say and or talking really fast and being told to slow down. Or to speed up because I'm taking to long on a task. Or told I write too much. Or having a hard time with school. These things sound normal life experiences. I know most people experience these things to some degree, but to what degree should I think otherwise. For the most part, with all the struggles and such with school I managed to pull good grades. I'm just afraid it will get worse. That I'll get really depressed or really high anxiety and not be able to deal with it. Or I'll be so distracted with school work, even more than I usually am. Or am getting stressed over normal things that are just part of coping in a school environment
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Re: blurred difference - February 25th 2015, 01:56 AM

I am really sorry that you are struggling with this. I was having a hard time with this at one point. Not in the same way however it was frustrating. I could not figure out if my lack of sleep and focus was just me being a "normal" college student or if it was caused by depression.
I ended up decided to take action in regards to my depression and that has been rather helpful.
The best thing I can suggest is that you talk to a counselor if you have one. The main way to know if what you are is experiencing is "normal is in regards to how your life is affected. It sounds like from what you have written here that you are really struggling and that it would not hurt to get some support. It could really help you to keep track of these moments in a journal/diary. Maybe you could log the times these events occur to get a timeline of how often, what times these events occur and what occurs surrounding them (ie. is this triggered by memories, anxiety or dissociation).
I know this reply is not much but I hope it helps you in some way and that things start looking up for you soon.
This can be overcome and you are stong.
Take care.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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Re: blurred difference - February 25th 2015, 02:58 AM

Thank you for the response Christina. What worries me the most is that I had some of these problems before I was "full blown depressed" I wonder if I was recovered from depression if I'd say be more organized? It doesn't seem likely. These things seem inherent in me. And it's almost like part of what adds on to my depression is the fact that how much I try, I'm still really messy and unorganized and how my lackings are really visible. How I'm not included in teams and all those times that I got consequences for these problems. How I'm made fun of for being shy. Or told I'm too timid but in a repulsive type of way, like because of that they don't like me. It makes me feel alone and maybe that it's something I can never get better or improve in. Well it is kinda like an optical illusion. I can't really decide where the source is. Maybe it's a circle with many criss crosses that influence each other.

As much as a counselor seems helpful, the professionals I've seen (I'm careful not to generalize) overlooked several of my concerns which makes me wonder how much more of my concerns are going to be overlooked too even if I had a different counselor. It's like I didn't have a voice to them. It was more them talking about my problems as if it's their own.

I'm not really sure between the difference of something being triggered by memories and dissociation but I'm supposing that a lot of these instances are triggered by memories and *thoughts*. Overthinking and over analyzing things as well as replays of memories over and over again. Another thing would be zoning out, my mind wandering and I forget what I'm thinking about. Almost like a dream but not really. Like the bike accident, I was so "out of it" that I started speeding up and only then did I realize how speeding I was and then that's when the whole bike came to a short stop and I fell off. But by that point I had no control of what was going on. I was also speeding up because my anxiety was increasing as I was thinking those thoughts. It's also a mix of overanalyzing and mind wandering.

The thing is, I often wondered how someone in 4th grade can procrastinate to extremes as much as I have and now it continues to be a problem but my peers caught up with it being a problem for them too. I just don't know anyone who started having these problems at a young age like I did. Who tried to start homework at 7am on Saturday but wouldn't finish till 11pm of Sunday night and waste my whole weekend just staring at blank papers or taking multiple breaks after achieving nothing. Things that are normal in college I guess...but I don't remember a time being different. I wonder if I can even learn skills to face this problem at this point.
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