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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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silver-seraph Offline
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voices and violence - March 10th 2015, 01:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know how to say this, but this prevents me from explaining whenever I have a problem so I'm going to try. I have voices in my head, I've had them ever since I was a kid, before They became violent and bad and before there were so many. They have evolved in so many ways since I first realized I had Them, and they've developed further into more than just voices, to the point where I "fall asleep" and "wake up" elsewhere, though They haven't done anything forceful in over 2 years. They are capable of so many things in my mind, to the point where They can give me hallucinations, and make any of my other mental health problems much much worse. They can control my dreams, and give me specific nightmares. I have dubbed these other dreams that are more of their dreams than mine the "third dream type", mainly because I can control only my own actions but They can control everything else, and can inflict very real pain if They want to. They haven't given me a specific dream in a long time, one that would always make me "flip out" no matter what I'm doing or where I am. They have made me so confused and paranoid that I don't even know if all memories are real anymore.
To make thing worse, even before I recognized I had Them in my head slowly taking over, I had no care for others, I felt nothing for other people. I killed animals without even a single worry. Though I was intelligent enough to know what I did was wrong, I didn't understand why it was wrong and felt no different snapping a rabbits neck than I did doing math homework. I couldn't comprehend why killing even a human was wrong. I obey laws and follow them with pristine clarity but only because I know I will be locked away in some prison mental ward otherwise. However my urge to kill things has only increased since I was a child and with Them so much worse and most of Them being increasingly volatile I'm scared of losing control and never "waking up".
I finally met someone recently who makes me feel real emotions, but the only problem is she is exactly like me. She is depressive, has an eating disorder, multiple voices who can somewhat "take over" for small periods of time, and has the urge to kill as well.
Before you ask, yes, I have sought help. I was arrested just under 2 years ago when my depressin overcame my own will and care. I gave in to Them, slicing a school mate's face. I was never convicted due to both history of mental illness in the family lineage, and clear signs of insanity at the time of the incident. They bought the whole "I'm just in need of help" routine. But recently my girlfriend has been changing how I feel and think, I'm starting to regret lying. Now I don't know what will happen if I tell my psychologist that I was lying this whole time what am I supposed to say, "My medication only ever alleviated the bothersome depression and I'm still severely Schizophrenic. Oh and I'm also a sociopath serial killer to be, i have the urge to kill everything, am misanthropic, and fake almost all my emotions until recently."? I'll be tossed into some asylum in chains and cuffs for the rest of my life. i recognize there is no cure for having the urge to kill. I know I am disturbed to the core, I was born this way. No medication or therapy can fix a shark of swimming and teach it to walk and eat vegetables. Its not how it was made to be, that's how others were made.
I mostly just need to place this here for reference if someone needs an explanation before I can tell them what's wrong with me at the time that they ask, and I won't have to bother re-explaining this.
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Re: voices and violence - March 18th 2015, 04:19 PM

Hi there,

It was brave of you to share this with us!

I think it might be helpful to tell your psychologist the truth about how you have been feeling and about the medication. It’s understandable that you wouldn’t have wanted to tell the truth at the beginning as there is still quite a bit of stigma attached to mental illness.

But your psychologist won’t have you ‘tossed into an asylum in chains and cuffs’ if you do tell her. She may have to take action if she thinks you are a danger to yourself or others, but even being sectioned, doesn’t mean you will be in chains and cuffs at all. It just means you will be in a safe environment for your benefit.

And whilst there is no cure for schizophrenia, medication and therapy can help. Perhaps you can talk to a psychiatrist about your medication, if you find that it hasn’t helped much.

Take care

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Feel free to PM me! Even if I can’t help, I’m always going to listen <3

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