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Question I may have Borderline personality disorder and afraid of going to a therapist or getting treatment... - December 20th 2016, 02:54 PM

(And/or Obsessive-compulive personality disorder.)
I may be wrong of course, it's just what I noticed about myself, but I made a little research on it and i feel like I have it. It just makes so much sense now! Like... every questions about myself had been answered out of the blue. I know that with personality disorders, you can't be 100% sure, but still...
I always wanted to go and see a therapist or someone, because of depression, anxiety and my disordered eating, but I never felt like any of them were THAT bad, so I never went. It's a stupid logic, I know.
But it just affected me, or so I thought, so I never felt the pressure to get better. But after reading about BPD I realized that I hurt my family and friends more than I have realized. (I tend to blame others/make a martyr of myself and split from family members who hurt me even a little and so on, which I wasn't really aware that I was doing it until now...)
Anyway, I don't want to live like this. I want to get better so I won't be so shitty towards others, but I also want to get better for myself. But the thing is, I'm afraid of it. There is just SO much insecurities, self-hatred and guilt in me, that I feel like that is what I am made of. That these feelings are me and if by getting treatment I would be able to get past these, there would be nothing left. I don't know what/who I would be then. I don't know what life looks like without the constant fear, low self-esteem and self-loathing. I learnt to live with it for years, it's okay for me. But I don't want to hurt or annoy others because of it, so I want to become normal. But I can't imagine what it's like to be normal, I feel like I would lose myself without these feelings.
Even if it would turn out that I don't have BPD, because really, I might not, I don't know, I'm still afraid of getting better. Not that I like the way I am now, but even this mess is better somehow than the uncertainty...
Does this make any sense?

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Re: I may have Borderline personality disorder and afraid of going to a therapist or getting treatment... - December 20th 2016, 05:34 PM

Hi there!

Having an undiagnosed mental disorder is always hard to deal with without the proper support. I went several years with the diagnosis of Major Depression. It was only a few years ago that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Rapid Cycling. When I was only diagnosed with Depression the meds that I was on made things worse. Most of the time people with Bipolar shouldn't be taking anti-depressants. They are now questioning whether I have a dual diagnosis as well. Having the proper combination of medication has definitely saved my life. I may be on 5 different meds a day, but I'd rather that then dealing with the mood swings.

What I'm trying to say, is that I think that you should go talk to someone. Get the help that you need. It may save your life one day like it saved mine. Let me know if you have any other questions. You're more than welcome to PM me.

Stay strong
Brittany



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Re: I may have Borderline personality disorder and afraid of going to a therapist or getting treatment... - December 20th 2016, 08:05 PM

Hey there,

Seeking out a diagnosis and treatment can be scary. It can be easy to think that things aren't that bad and we can just carry on managing. But you deserve to get help and support. I also know that recovery can be an uncertain time, and it's understandable to a point that you may feel a bit resistant towards recovery. We can get so used to how we feel and our behaviours that it can be comforting for us. But change and recovery is different, so it's understandable you would be uncertain.

Your feelings, thoughts and behaviours are part of you, and have been for a while. But it doesn't make all of you. Not only that but when you have treatment, it doesn't take away all of those things straight away or you suddenly become 'nothing' or a 'new person'. You're still you. You'll still have all your memories, your likes and dislikes, and your own personality. You may feel less constrained by anxiety, depression or other things, or you may occasionally miss these things if they have been part of you for a long time. You'll get through it though.

Personality disorders can be difficult to diagnose, and while some research can be helpful, it's good to try not to self-diagnose. I think that it would definitely be beneficial for you to seek professional help from a doctor, psychiatrist or counsellor.


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Re: I may have Borderline personality disorder and afraid of going to a therapist or getting treatment... - December 24th 2016, 10:49 PM

Hi

Thank you for coming to us here here.

Knowing that something isn't right but now knowing what can be scay. But at the same time the idea of being diagnosed and then having treatment can also be scary and I used to be in thie situation all of the time so I can relate to it. I am now diagnosed with BPD (My main diagnosis) which triggers psychotic episodes, Bulmia, EDNOS, depressive episodes, PTSD and OCD. And I never thought therapy would help, because it wasn't.

But then when I was admitted to an acute ward several times, I was transferred eight months later (from the acute ward) to a secure unit for women with BPD for the treatment of DBT. And even though I was there a good year and a half, it in the end it changed everything for me because it gave me psychology and trauma work to work through my past and difficult issues around myself as well as helping me learn skills such as mindfulness and emotional regulation to help me manage the BPD which I now use on a day to day basis in every life.

Sometimes we can get used to how we live and when we feel low or sad for a long time, it becomes a safe place even though sometimes it feels like torture. And I have been there. At one point I did not want to get better. I wanted my life to be full of these self destructive behaviours but something soon changed when I began treatment and even though it is still hard, I get through the days more than i used too.

I think maybe you seeking help from someone such as your doctor might be really beneficial for you. They might refer you to a counsellor/CPN and a psychiatrist or you can look into this treatment yourself and after several appointments with a psychiatrist, they may feel they can diagnose you with a mental health disorder. But instead of feeling bad about it, see it as a way to get better and live a happier life.

Please, if you want to talk know we're here, that I am here and you are not alone.

Hope and wishes,
Jessie


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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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