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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
tranquility Offline
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Unhappy i don't know who i am - March 26th 2017, 10:14 PM


i have dissociative identity disorder, and i really don't know who i am. i have so many alters at this point that i don't know who i really am. i have a hard time telling people my name, because i'm not sure what it is at this point. i switch personalities so quickly and so often that people begin to question me. i have entire backstories and deeply developed histories for every single alter that they are practically real people. when i become them, it makes them feel real. i don't want to live this way, but i feel so attached to my alters that i feel like i have to. i just want to know who i am. i was assigned female at birth, but i have quite a few male alters. i have so many that i as a person identify more as a male, but when i become one of my female alters it makes me question my male identity. this makes me really depressed.

i don't know what to do at this point. some alters want me to die, some want me to hurt others, and some just simply exist in the middle. i'm scared i'm going to make a bad decision.

if anyone has any advice, i would appreciate it greatly. my life has become significantly harder since my DID has gotten worse.

thank you.
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Re: i don't know who i am - March 27th 2017, 12:29 AM

Hello Grey, wow what a story i'm sure this is quite difficult on you and for that i am sorry. From what i'm reading i think what it could possibly well be is schizophrenia disorder, this is where your mind creates illusions of multiple personalities and can often be associated with hearing voices in your head, voices that sound all too real.

You wrote a lot about what this condition is and what it makes you feel but i wasn't noticing a lot of information based on what people around you are trying to do to help. Because no matter what problem you are faced with, I personally believe there is no better medicine than the comforting support of a loving family.

Do they know about this? Are they taking steps to make sure you are okay?

If not then it's sure worth your while to mention to them, not just for your benefit but for theirs.

I know that there isn't much i can do or say to help you the way both you and i want but know this, there are so many different possibilities in this world, millions upon millions of them encircling one another in infinite majesty; so no matter how little a chance you think you have, how low you could possibly feel there is always more than one instance in which you get that what you are entitled to and that is happiness.

*Aside from this, if you still feel like nothing I've said or done has impacted you at all let's try a different approach, you say you have many different "alters" right? Try finding something positive that each individual alter has in common with one another and use that as your salvation. I hope in some way, big or small - i have helped!
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Re: i don't know who i am - March 27th 2017, 07:38 AM

Wow that's a tough one I have no exprience with.

My understanding is it's caused by severe trauma. The dissociation emerges as a coping mechanism.

It could be triggered by stress and fear. Then it becomes a self-sustaining spiral as fear of the disorder causes the disorder.

I'd suggest anxiety medication but it would have to be administered by someone else, as you might not remember if you've already taken it or not, and taking too much could be problematic.

I'd suggest learning to relax, but even relaxing may be scary, as allowing oneself to relax is like letting one's guard down, and having suffered through severe trauma the idea of letting one's guard down may be scary in itself.

It's so rare, yet not unheard of. Possibly no therapist around has experience with it. However, a decent therapist could relish the challenge, and may work with you.

You may have to trust someone else, as someone on the outside can see the whole picture, while you on the inside get split glimpses of yourself from different angles. Someone else can see how all the pieces fit together, and may be able to give you insight into the various pieces.

The brain can heal itself given the opportunity. It takes a year or more. You probably need to find a place that feels safe to begin. I don't know if such a place exists, or what it would take to create such a place, or what such a place would look like for you.

Maybe think about what a safe place would be for you. It would have to be such a safe place that you could truly relax and not worry about something attacking you, whether physical or mental or spiritual or whatever triggers you. Then you'd spend some time in this safe place every day, and as you get used to the safe place and being there, and looking forward to being there every day, that may allow your brain the opportunity to slowly heal itself. The place may have a therapist present, who just watches over you while you relax, or maybe it's a place where you are alone, if that makes you feel safe. It's whatever it takes to make the place feel safe for you.

Possibly a residential recovery place, though they can be expensive, and it would have to be one that you would feel safe and comfortable living in.

Also, just reading books that make you feel safe and relaxed. The book may be about anything you like. Something that activates the thoughts of feeling safe and secure. Just reading those words over and over in different ways can activate those thoughts of feeling safe and secure, and activating a thought strengthens and reinforces the thought, so read books which activate thoughts of safety and security might help. (Even though they are just books, the emotional part of the brain can't tell the difference, so it may work anyway.)
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Re: i don't know who i am - March 27th 2017, 11:42 AM

Welcome to TeenHelp, Grey!

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have DID and many alters and not know who you are. Are you having therapy at all? I have heard that therapy can help you to talk to your alters and understand them a bit better, so that you can become a more 'integrated' person. You may also want to talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist to see if there is any medication that may help.

I'm sorry to hear that because of the DID, people seem to question you when you change personalities. Is it possible to let them know that you have DID (or MPD as some people may call it)? I'm also wondering if there are any triggers that may cause you to switch, such as any situations that you may find stressful and tend to switch to another alter to let them handle it? If you can work out any patterns, you can try to find ways of avoiding situations if possible.

Gender and sexuality are things that many people may struggle with, so you aren't alone there. Is there anything that your alters have in common? Any particular likes and dislikes? Or characteristics and personality traits? Perhaps it may help to write all these things down for each alter and then write one for yourself as you currently feel? I'm guessing it feels disorientating, when some alters may be so different to others and naturally you may feel attached to them. They alters are part of you, but you are so much more than the DID.

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Re: i don't know who i am - March 27th 2017, 03:01 PM

Hi Grey,
I'm going to tell you a little about one of my ex boyfriends that seems to run home with what you were describing about yourself.

My ex was a good man. He had goals of conquering his own demons even if it meant harming others in his path. Not that he physically hurt them. His own power wasn't enough to realize that his words became destruction. There were times he was perfectly fine, as if he was one person. Then there was days that I seen a change in his appearance, personality and his well being.

I'm going to call my ex Justice because that is what he aimed for. As Justice learned through years of therapy, he progressed in learning that he was not only bi-polar but a schizophrenic. It wasn't until his later years that it became such an issue. At this time, Justice and I had parted ways but still kept in contact daily. We loved each other but knew deep down that i was in no way of a help to him. I helped his other personality's linger for days and weeks when i should have been helping his soul be reborn.

Year two after his discovery, we learned that there was a part of him that even he didn't know existed. I looked into this as much as possible but became fearful of his actions. He pursued these other beings inside him with striving passion. He learned what he could before a trigger set off and another persona made his appearance.

Justice had 28 different people in his own mind. Each one had a name and a different personality. I grew to know each one simply because i wanted to help him.

Its been 6 years since he had found out why he was different. He fought daily in learning who he was and who he identified as since birth. Unforgettably he departed this world just this year. Not because of anything he had control over. It was because of a rare disease he had that was never found.

The last year of his life was lived with true purpose. I had helped in all ways that i could because i believed he deserved a true friend. One of my suggestions that i had given him, that seemed to help him was writing. Even though he hated it, he learned to enjoy it.

My suggestion to you other than seeking a doctor who could possibly help you in discovering what may be medically wrong, would be to buy a notebook and pen.

Every chance you get, write down what it is about each personality that makes them different. Write the feelings you feel once you become this person. You don't have to go into great details. Take notes if you hate writing. Eventually, you can learn something from each of these and help yourself in discovering who you really are.

~~~~~ Even When Things Seem To Never End, God Gives Me Hope That Things Will Get Better!~~~~~
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alters, depersonalisation, depression, dissociation, dissociative disorder, mental breakdown

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