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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CrystalJade Offline
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I don't know what's wrong with me... Possibly everything? Freaking novel. - April 12th 2017, 08:25 AM

First of all, I want to say sorry if this is the wrong section for this thread!

Second, I thought I had left posting on TeenHelp behind me... Guess not.

Here's what's up...
How do I even express everything? As of late I've been finding it increasingly more difficult to get out of bed and I either sleep for long periods or don't sleep much at all (maybe 3 or 4 hours). I work the night shift (10:30 pm-7am) part time and go to school full time. I feel everything and nothing at the same time (I know, impossible). I found out a few weeks ago that I didn't get accepted into the Nursing program I had applied for (I have another one still lined up but who knows) and that's when I started really going down hill. I started to care less and less about school because hell, if B's can't get me into my program then what's the point?? I work so hard but I'm at a disadvantage. I can't even focus to study or get the motivation. I'm over it. I want to just drop out of university but there's a month left so that would be stupid. I feel so mentally retarded too because I have been getting a lot of stuff wrong lately and in one of my classes I'm struggling (A&P) while everyone around me get A's. Granted they are taking way less class hours but that still doesn't help me. I'm taking college algebra, A&P, first aid/CPR, and developmental psychology right now. Then there's work, housework, managing my marriage, family, etc.

It's all coming down on me and I can tell. I feel disgusting, stupid, worthless, fat, and the list goes on. When I'm out and about I constantly feel like people are laughing at me and making fun of me. I'm extremely self conscious... My place is now a mess because my husband is too interested in video games to carry more of the load and I'm so particular I'm not sure he wants to willingly anyway. I've been eating less and less. I've eaten less than [Edited] calories the past two days because I'm just not hungry. Today all I had was some cookies and then two bites of eggs my husband cooked for me.

Then today my mom tells me that my older brother might have liver cancer. My older sister and I have cut ties with our brother. For me he was sexually, physically, and verbally abusive to me growing up. I've always been angry that my parents support him financially well into his adulthood (granted he is disabled) and that they chose him over me.... Even after I came forward about what he was doing to me. I have actively encouraged them to sever ties as well or at least cut off support... I feel guilty about that now as he has T-cells in his liver and they've found a mass there that the doctor thinks is cancerous. I hate him but part of me still cares and I'm afraid to leave it off in bad ways if he were to die. He will never be a candidate for a liver, he won't do chemo, he will die. Which is what I've been waiting for, it would be less stress on my parents if he wasn't here.

I was sexually assaulted at a party at 17 as well and I'm finding that I'm thinking about that more frequently and I just feel like I can't stand my own body. I can't make friends because I know they wouldn't like me and I don't know what to even say to people. I'm always saying stupid stuff. I have no one but my husband and cats. I can't talk to him about this and my cats can't talk back. I feel like everything is going to keep getting worse for me. I feel like my eating disorder is trying to make a come back too. All throughout anything traumatic or destructive, I would take a shower and just sit under the hot water... Sometimes crying, sometimes purging, sometimes hurting myself, sometimes just feeling like a shell of nothing. Tonight I sat down like I used to and cried and I realized that I feel numb. Numb like the day after I was raped when I came to realize what happened, numb like when I looked at the marks they left. Numb like knowing what disgusting things my brother and his friend had me participate in. I feel like my eyes can't even focus like normal.

I can pretend but it's getting so hard, and then I can't help but wonder how long I've been pretending. I can't afford to see someone. I have the Nexplanon implant and have for about a year now, I can't help but wonder if it's magnifying this all too. I'm sick of me. I'm sick of this. I wish I was who I should be. I wish I had friends. I wish I knew how to interact with people and have not weird conversations. I wish I was smarter and better. I'm none of that and probably never will be. I think I could hurt myself if I went for it but I won't because of my cats and family. It sound ridiculous, writing this freaking novel, but I don't know what else to do. Numb and worthless.

Last edited by Celyn; April 12th 2017 at 12:39 PM. Reason: Please don't post calory numbers
   
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Re: I don't know what's wrong with me... Possibly everything? Freaking novel. - April 12th 2017, 03:18 PM

There's nothing wrong with returning to TeenHelp and asking for support. Life has ups and downs, but it's good to reach out and talk about it rather than keep it all to yourself.

It sounds like you are feeling quite burnt out trying to juggle school and work, and then finding out that you didn't get into the nursing programme sounds like it just became too much. Naturally, feeling burnt out and not getting into the programme would mean that you would lack the motivation and feel like giving up. I don't think you should drop out, with just a month to go and having another programme lined up, though I know it can feel tempting. With so much stress and so many classes, it's understandable that you would feel that you aren't performing well. Is there something you can do in terms of prioritising what's really important right now? When I've been burnt out, it can be so overwhelming to think of everything that needs doing, so perhaps trying to focus on the more pressing issues may help a bit. It's also important to schedule time for yourself so you can de-stress rather than keep on feeling burnt out.

When things get stressful on the outside, we can start to hate ourselves on the inside too. Rest assured, no-one is laughing at you, when you go out. As for you for husband, have you tried talking to him and saying how stressed out you are and would like his help? Suggest that he takes responsibility for things like keeping the house clean or other chores. Otherwise, just 5 minutes a day of cleaning up can improve the house and your mood a bit. Worst case scenario, it's okay to have a messy house when you are stressing over other important things.

When we get stressed, we may lose our appetite and it can feel like a chore eating. Try to eat small, frequent meals or tempt yourself with your favourite foods for a while. Don't force yourself to eat as you usually would, if you aren't hungry, but make sure you are getting enough to keep you going, as not eating enough can make you feel more tired and have less energy overall.

I understand that given everything your brother has done to you, and the fact that your parents have given him more support, that you would hate him and have mixed feelings regarding his liver cancer diagnosis. However you feel is fine. No-one can tell you that you should make an effort to be there for your brother or that you shouldn't. It's entirely your decision, and we'll support you no matter what.

Perhaps with the stress that you are going through now, and how you have lost your appetite and hate yourself, you find yourself thinking about the sexual assault more as you notice similar feelings? It sounds like you are experiencing quite a bit of self-hatred at the moment and I understand that you may genuinely feel you can't make friends because no-one would like you. But you don't know that for sure. I also know that not knowing what to say can feel like a barrier to making friends, but it's not always the case as many people may feel the same. Feeling numb does put you at a risk of self-harming and other destructive things because you may want to feel something (anything is better than nothing, right?) Instead of hurting yourself, you try some grounding exercises instead? Perhaps stomp your feet, hold an ice cube or feel cold water on your hands and face. Also, if it helps, write down how you feel or the traumatic experiences to try to help you process things.

You shouldn't have to pretend. Perhaps you can try opening up to your husband or family about what you are going through? I'm sorry to hear that you can't afford to see someone as it does sound like you may benefit from that. Perhaps you might want to check out RAINN and see what help might be available to you? Feeling burnt out, numb and thinking of the trauma you went through can feel like hell, but it won't always be this way for you. Try not to be so harsh on yourself, though I know that's easier said than done. I'm glad that you have your cats and family and that you won't hurt yourself because of them. It's not ridiculous and I'm glad that you wrote this thread. Stay strong


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Re: I don't know what's wrong with me... Possibly everything? Freaking novel. - April 12th 2017, 04:47 PM

Thank you for writing. Wow I'm sorry things are spiraling downward!
  • Lack of sleep
  • Night job throwing off circadian rhythm
  • Husband who likes playing video games
  • brother dying
  • you're doing all the work
  • memories of assault
  • No friends. Only husband and cats. Can't talk to husband (husband doesn't know what to say, so he just looks the other way and immerses himself in video games.) Lack of support network.
  • Don't know what to say (small talk, chit chat, socializing)

The lack of a support network of friends is big. That can lead to feelings of isolation, which leads to depression. We are designed by evolution to want to be with our tribe, as there was safety in numbers back then.

Participating in any small group activity helps our emotional brain feel that everything is OK because we are surrounded by our tribe. I've decided that's one reason support groups work for me. I don't think it really matters what the group does, yoga, meditation, chanting, basket weaving, walking, hiking, having coffee with a friend, participating in a sporting event, the key isn't necessarily the doing, as it is the being with other people that makes the emotional brain relax because it thinks we're with our tribe.

Since you're at a university, universities often have a counceling center that specializes in dealing with depressed students, because it's so incredibly common, the stress of college can overwhelm students and cause depression and other related problems, and universities want to have a good reputation for students succeeding, they don't want to gain a reputation for being the place where students stress out and get depressed and don't get any help for it, so they have counceling centers where they specialize in helping students who get depressed.

Their biggest problem is getting the depressed students to come to the counseling center. Depressed students don't want to go, as that would take effort, and depressed people already lack energy, and the thought of going to a new strange place can be scary.

So they set up telephone lines that people can call. Still the thought of calling a number they've never called before can be stressful, especially for introverts who aren't good at talking, and maybe aren't sure what to say.

Anyway, see if you can find the local number for the university's counceling center and give them a call, or just go over there and walk in, tell them you're depressed and seeking help, and they will take it from there and tell you about everything they offer. They may have numerous support groups set up which you could join, the trick to them is it calms the emotional part of the brain when the brain sees it's surrounded by a small group of people it thinks is it's tribe, so it stops feeling isolated and so depressed. Also you're surrounded by people who understand depression, because they've been there themselves, so they have great empathy for anyone new and make an effort to welcome the newcomer.

They may also have one-on-one counseling, where again the trick is you get to talk with someone for an hour, so the emotional brain is happy you're not isolated.

Outside the univeristy there may be a mental health organization in the community. You could call 211 and ask if there is such an organization and get their number. You can see if the NAMI website (www.nami.org) lists an affiliate in your area. You can also check the (www.dbsalliance.org) to see if there's a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support group in your area. Sometimes these groups exist and their biggest difficulty is getting the word out that they exist so people will come.

I recently called our local mental health hotline to discuss a friend who was in very bad shape. They answered the phone, "Hello, my name is <name> and I'm a counselor. How can I help you?" It was a very polite and scripted opening, designed to make me feel comfortable and open to talking with them. I can see how it would work well if I was the one needing help (which I have in the past).

Getting in contact with people and group activities will certainly help. You can check (www.meetup.com) to see if there's a walking group in your area you could join, get some exercise is always helpful for depression. Or any meetup group that might be tollerable. (There may be a "Walk with a doctor" walking group, which is just an ordinary walking group organized by a doctor. I think there's a national organization encouraging doctors to set up these walking groups.)

You might consider asking your husband to help you with these tasks. Possibly he just doesn't know what to do and he needs some guidance on how to help you. Perhaps you could ask him to make these phone calls and check out these websites for you. People like helping other people. If you frame it as "I need help, could you...", and not "Here's a chore for you to do" he might be enthusiastic.

I'm going to guess from your post that you may have the Guardian personality type. A brief description is here: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/guardian_overview.asp
Only you can say if you identify with the description or not.

I'll also guess your husband may have the Artisan personality type. A brief description is here: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/artisan_overview.asp
These guesses are very tentative, but if correct it may help make sense of the relationship issues. The Guardian/Artisan pairing is very common, and understanding the underlying differences can be very helpful. More is here: http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz20.asp

Feeling not smart or competent is likely just a result of depression. My memory and competence plummet when I'm depressed, and I become dumb as a rock, but when I'm well I'm very competent academically.

OK I should probably stop writing as I've already written too much. Hopefully there are some useful ideas. Best wishes and hang in there, it does get better! (Oh, and Guardians also have a difficult time asking for help. It's OK to ask for help! People like helping other people! It's built into us by evolution, just like feeling bad when we're isolated is built into us.)
   
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