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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lumos. Offline
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Name: Dionna
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Still want to be worse? - April 17th 2017, 06:02 PM

I haven't posted on this site in so long. I feel wrong for not being on in so long and then asking for help, i'm sorry if thats wrong to do...
So during my last hospitalization (they've been pretty frequent over the past 2 years, ive been hospitalized 6 times) they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder; which wasn't a surprise. I've shown symptoms for over a year now, it was nice that my symptoms were affirmed with a disorder rather than a doctor saying it was just psychotic symptoms.
Once I was diagnosed with it i guess it was relieving, but them after some time passed I didn't feel like that diagnosis showed how much i've been through with its symptoms, like it wasn't severe enough to show others that i struggle a whole fucking lot.
This sounds idiotic writing it down, but I guess since its what i feel its not as idiotic, but it feels ridiculous.
I feel like people with the diagnosis of schizophrenia get taken more seriously for their diagnosis, and they aren't doubted for their diagnosis. I hope i'm not being offensive. I just feel stuck with these thoughts of severity of a mental illness. I want my symptoms to be more visibly crippling as they are mentally. I just want someone to understand me and not treat me like i almost have schizophrenia, but don't. I feel invalidated because of this. Like I have voices constantly, and crippling paranoia, and so many other fucking symptoms that hurt me everyday. I feel like i'm going deeper and deeper into this illness and no one sees it and i'm sitting on a small life boat in the middle of the ocean, slowly sinking...Fuck... I guess thats all. I want people to actually treat it like its a hard thing, not like its tiny.
my girlfriend is the only one who treats it like its the size it is, she knows how much i struggle at least.
Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone.





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Still want to be worse? - April 17th 2017, 07:02 PM

Hey,
I too have schizoaffective disorder and I completely understand where you're coming from. I also felt that way when I was first diagnosed 3 years ago and sometimes that feeling comes back every now and then. What I've discovered is that this diagnosis is actually very serious. Seeing how it's affected my family gives me a sign that it's very serious. Maybe you going to the hospital so many times already makes it seem so routine but in reality people go to the hospital when they're in a very serious spot. You going so many times makes me feel like your current symptoms are very serious.
In contrast, you can get into the thinking that why do you want it to sound super serious? Is someone not validating or making you feel like it's not serious? Why should there be this competition between those who are seriously ill and those who aren't as much? Both you and the person who has a severe mental illness are both valid.
Hope this gives you some comfort.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Still want to be worse? - April 17th 2017, 08:59 PM

It's totally okay to ask for help whenever you need it! You don't need to be active or helping others to receive help at all.

I don't have schizoaffective disorder or in fact been diagnosed with anything. But I do know what it's like to suffer internally a lot and yet it goes unnoticed. It's hard, I know.

It's not idiotic at all. And I guess that what you are experiencing is the issue with labels of disorders and how other people think of them e.g. that schizoaffective disorder isn't as serious as schizophrenia. Anyone who thinks one is worse than another, very possibly lacks that understanding.

I'm glad that your girlfriend is able to see fully how much you struggle and tries to support you. Do you have anyone else you can talk to about what you go through? Perhaps try to build up a support network for yourself of people who are understanding and try to help them understand what you go through and what support you find helpful and unhelpful.


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Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3
SKITTLIFY!

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Lumos. Offline
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Re: Still want to be worse? - April 17th 2017, 09:20 PM

Thank you for your reply it means a lot to me. <3
I guess the labels and stigma around disorders can really get to ones head and it makes it difficult if you're not the worst that anyone can be because you don't think that you deserve help..
I guess i also would have rather the doctors who diagnosed me to say that i have schizophrenia and a mood disorder which some how makes me feel better about it. Does that make any sense to anyone?

I don't really have many other people who supports me and also knows all of whats going on, a couple people know parts of it but my girlfriend is the only one who sees me often and knows all of whats going on.
I just wish i was worse so that i could feel like i deserve help





From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
  Send a message via Skype™ to Lumos. 
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
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Re: Still want to be worse? - April 18th 2017, 05:06 AM

My mother, who I thought knew me better than anyone in the world, as she's been with me ever since I was born, she apparently didn't appreciate the severity of my illness, even though I thought it was so obvious, and that ended in disaster, which I don't want to go into, but I nearly died. I still haven't fully forgiven her, and I no longer trust her anymore. She did eventually pay for an expensive residential treatment program, and the psychiatrist pointed that out as evidence that she really did care about me. I pointed out she was the one who caused my breakdown in the first place!

I know what you mean. Now that I'm almost well, I fear my mother will now expect more of me than I am able to deliver. I'm not totally well, and never will be, but I am at the point where I would very much like to be productive. I'd like to have a job, one that is suitable for me, a lot of jobs would not be suitable for me, they would be beyond my abilities, and would cause my mental illness to flare up. I am still dependent on the support of my mother, and I have all sorts of concerns about that, as now I no longer trust her, and never will again, not after what she did.

I still need to forge a cordial relationship with my mother, since my life depends on it, but it's no longer a true love relationship, it's more a relationship based on fear, because I no longer trust her, but I still need her. I'm still very hurt by what she did.

This would never have happened if we had a family counselor we talked to regularly who could have uncovered this impending disaster before it happened. I felt we had such a close knit family and we cared about each other so much that such a counselor wasn't necessary. I thought counselors were for families that had big problems.

Now we have a family counselor. But it's too late. The damage has already been done. My mother has never felt an ounce of guilt for what she did to me, so I feel she still does not understand the true severity of the problem, especially since I am able to appear as quite functional and normal, most of the time. That's the catch: I'm OK most of the time. I still have many frequent periods of being NOT ok.

I'm stuck with wanting to impress on my mother the true severity of my issues, I want her to see me as the most severely disabled child possible, while at the same time I want to please her and appear to be a very successful normal child she can be proud of.

I have never been able to resolve this conundrum.
   
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