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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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A leading staff approached me today - July 12th 2017, 02:53 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

She said I seemed sad and upset. She asked me a few questions. I was having a very hard time talking and giving eye contact. One question that stuck with me is
"Are you safe?" Which was in the context of my home life or outside of work life. Because I guess I couldn't hide that I'm upset at something and the youth job program brings in a lot of youth who are "at risk" because they've been in foster care, exposed to domestic violence, licing in poverty etc and she wanted to know if I have enough physical needs met. Which I don't exactly have and I couldn't hide that part. But the "are you safe [at home]" question is one that'd been asked by others and it is so hard because on one hand I feel guilty for making a scene if I don't have bruises, bleeding, marks etc and I'm not being beaten or raped but on the other hand I want to so badly articulate how much hell I go through bring at home. And how everything I try to escape I get secuslly assaulted,harassed, or abused by a "friend", relative or even a stanger at times. It's like they sense how broken I am and decide I'm an easy target

So if you think about it that way, I'm much safer at home as km used to it there. If I rub away, go to a shelter, I risk heavier violence in terms of physically or sexually.

I don't really feel safe but I feel like by standard definition of what it means to be safe, I'm technically safe. I have a roof over my head and no one is holding a gun at me or beating me over and over (I was hit as a child but still seems like I'm being too sensitive.)
Anyway the organization's I've reached out to could not help, some were better than others but a common suggestion was to call the police and I don't want to do that for emotional abuse (it is usually not physical but once in a while my dad slaps me-only me, not my sisters)
And even then the slap is over and I'm technically not in danger anymore so like... it got me thinking that the definition of safety means whether it makes sense to call the police. It is not an emergency. So then no I'm not in danger, but then am I safe? The answer is not a strict yes or no.

The staff said she will check in with me again tomorrow. It will be a rather busy day and a tight schedule but if we do end up talking, how can I explain this?

Is it worth telling her? Part of me wants to keep it inside. Seems unimportant and not serious. It is serious to me because my wellbeing is definitely 10000% affected by the way things are at home and it really truly shakes me up on a daily basis but by social standards, it is the type of thing people brush off. So it is my problem for feeling unsafe when I should be feeling safe.
   
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Re: A leading staff approached me today - July 13th 2017, 07:03 AM

You did an excellent job explaining it here.

For someone in your situation, having one safe person to talk to can make a huge difference. It's not so much what you say, but that you are with her, and she is caring about you, so you have an example of what it's like to be cared about, to have someone truly be interested in you, and care about you, and spend a little time with you. You have a lot of bad examples of how not to be treated, you need to experience a good example of how to be treated well. Just spending a few minutes a day with her, talk about anything, doesn't matter, just say whatever is on your mind, or just sit quietly for a moment and soak it in. Treat her with what you think kindness is. You may not have had many opportunities to practice that. You can talk about what you endure at home. Sometimes telling another person makes it easier to deal with. Or you can talk about hopes and dreams. Those are good to have. Talk about life. Or say nothing and just spend a moment being fully present with her and let yourself relax (if you can, it's a good skill to learn). Best wishes and I hope it gets better for you.
   
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Re: A leading staff approached me today - July 13th 2017, 11:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
You did an excellent job explaining it here.

For someone in your situation, having one safe person to talk to can make a huge difference. It's not so much what you say, but that you are with her, and she is caring about you, so you have an example of what it's like to be cared about, to have someone truly be interested in you, and care about you, and spend a little time with you. You have a lot of bad examples of how not to be treated, you need to experience a good example of how to be treated well. Just spending a few minutes a day with her, talk about anything, doesn't matter, just say whatever is on your mind, or just sit quietly for a moment and soak it in. Treat her with what you think kindness is. You may not have had many opportunities to practice that. You can talk about what you endure at home. Sometimes telling another person makes it easier to deal with. Or you can talk about hopes and dreams. Those are good to have. Talk about life. Or say nothing and just spend a moment being fully present with her and let yourself relax (if you can, it's a good skill to learn). Best wishes and I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you for the reply.
She is an older staff member but she works in the office and my group works in the art studio so we are next to each other and she can watch the group from time to time but I would be busy with my group and such. She is kind of in charge of like all youth work related issues such as conflict resolution and program curriculum and such and now that I'm thinking of it, she did check I'm with everyone. I guess I just didn't think while I was walking into the building after crying during lunch that she would see me in the hallway and ask to speak with me.

We didn't talk yesterday.

The thing us I did create a support network and that's why I hate myself. Because even with all the support I'm still an angry monster at home. I usually end up self harming and then reach out after when I want to self harm a second time.
   
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