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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
An_Elusive_Lad Offline
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BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 18th 2017, 06:02 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi there! So, i'm in 11th grade right now... and life is not going well for me.
Actually, it has never been good ever since 2014, when i was in 8th grade. I was a cheerful, friendly and physically gifted(taller and stronger than normal kids) kid growing up. I have always been on the top of my class. When i was promoted to 8th standard, we got the most strict and feared teacher of the school as our homeroom/class teacher. She used to teach us English. During the initial days i had a very strong brother like relationship with a student in my class, let's call him Alan. He SEEMED to be a pretty friendly guy with good nature, later on we came really close to each other and knew all about each other, personal stuff etc.

After some time, he started staying away from me and used to sit with the other kids. I was completely fine with that! but then he started spreading rumors about me, those were really bad rumors, he made up stories about my past, my family, told my other friends some false stories about me. so, i broke all ties with him and told him to never talk to me ever again and he shamelessly grinned and said 'sure, my brother'. I really wanted to beat him to a pulp, but i knew if i did that i would get suspension from the school, which i did not want.

So i started staying away from all the guys and girls who were previously my friends. Never talked much to anyone in my class. This is when things took a bad turn. My homeroom/class teacher noticed that i was always quiet although i did answer the questions asked in class, but i never really talked to other students. At that time I became friends with this new guy Sam. I thought that I could lean on him for support. He was the only one I talked to in my class then, and even with him it was just all the basic hi, hello stuff. I never talked much with anyone. I used to sit ALONE.

One day, the homeroom/class teacher asked me ‘do you ever talk to anyone in class?’.
‘yes mam, I talk to Sam.’ I answered.
She made me sit with him. But I never really talked that much with Sam too. I was becoming an introvert. After some days, the teacher asked me ’ why do you keep such a gloomy face? You look miserable, etc. ‘ I was surprised because she was just plain rude and disrespectful, I had checked myself plenty of times in the mirror and I didn’t look gloomy or miserable at all . I didn’t want to appear rude in any way so I just kept quiet and she kept on blabbering and insulting me. She just kept finding ways to talk down to me. Since I was excellent academically, she couldn’t come straight at me. Things just kept going on like this… there were many changes in me as I entered the stage of puberty. I grew taller, started having pimples on my once clean face due to hormonal changes, etc. I started playing basketball and boxing a lot, I became obsessive about these two sports and improved so much that eventually I was even better than my seniors in both of the sports. I secretly used these two sports to unleash the pent up anger that I had inside of me because of all the incidents in the class. Due to my athletic prowess, I became popular in school. I actually made some really nice friends at the end of my year as an 8th grader.
I got promoted to 9th grade. Had the highest scores amongst all the students of my school Yay! Bravo! Whatever……
This year was by far the worst of them all :
1. Unfortunately, I got the same terrible homeroom/class teacher from before.
2. (Alan) was still spreading rumors about me even after i confronted him about it.
3. The teacher or should I just say OLD HAG became even worse than before.
4. When I was away for a few days on a vacation, she did some disgusting things behind my back which those decent new friends informed me about :
a. She asked all the students who they wanted to sit with? And many of the boys said they wanted to sit with me.
b. Then she was like ‘OH! He’s really popular amongst you all. Let’s see how many girls want to sit with him?’ before anyone could do anything, this girl named Jessica gets up and basically says very mean stuff about me. Like he’s very egotistical, he’s arrogant because he’s on the top of the class, etc. in reality she just had a grudge against me because I never talked much with her.
c. After jessica’s trash talk, the teacher/hag herself started talking trash about me and instigated the students to believe that I was indeed an egotistical and arrogant guy.
5. when I returned from the vacation I could see the hate in the eyes of my judgemental class mates, still it didn’t really bother me that much. So, I kept minding my own business.
6. I started having so much acne that it almost filled up my whole face, and I looked horrible. I started to feel insecure about it.
7. Then Sam also backstabbed me, and started doing the same things that alan used to do. In fact, they both started hanging out with each other. This really broke me from inside, I had been deceived not once, but twice. I was so angry! At this point of time I just started being rude to all those who tried belittle me, cheat me and even beat up a group of kids who were spreading rumors about me. I wasn’t afraid of suspensions anymore!
1. This was actually a good year. I was free from the clutches of that hag.
2. I got a really really nice homeroom/class teacher this time around. She was compassionate, loving, caring, motivating but somehow I was never able to tell her what I went through.
3. My pimples were starting to appear less due to the medical treatment I was going through.
4. I realized I had trust issues which I still have till this day. All because of those two backstabbers ALAN AND SAM.
5. I grew 6ft 5 inches tall which actually boosted the confidence in my otherwise introvert self.
6. There was one teacher actually just like the previous hag who tried to insult me, this one was far more unabashed though! But as I said I wasn’t afraid of suspensions anymore. So, I handled her so well that she didn’t even talk to me after that. Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything inappropriate. i just said things like ‘ it’s my choice to either talk to my classmates or not. This is not what you are paid for. You are a teacher and I’m a student. Nothing more than that, so don’t intrude in my personal space and try to change my social preferences.’ And she shut the hell up after that because I was really angry or rather firm! Just because of some Judgemental people my 3 years were spent like I was being tormented. This just had to end. I have started speaking up for myself since then and never let anybody talk down to me.

But what is really bothering me is that I still have trust issues, I have not been able to tell this to anybody. I’m still an introvert who doesn’t like to talk much. I have not been able to make any new friends, I still have those old decent friends who met me during my popularity surge in the school and I must say after all the tests I have put them through(secretly) they all proved to be loyal. But the main issue remains I have trust issues, I’m just way too much skeptical of people nowadays. I’ve even started reading books on psychology in order to understand human behavior. I never trust anyone even on the smallest of things. it’s because of the scar that alan and sam left! HELP!!!

Last edited by An_Elusive_Lad; October 19th 2017 at 05:56 PM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
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Re: BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 18th 2017, 11:15 PM

I can understand having trust issues. You opened up to people and you got hurt; it's understandable. However, you can't blame all your problems on Alan and Sam. From what I'm reading part of the issue is that you're your own problem. It's okay to be angry and feel hurt, but you take it beyond that: you sound bitter and hateful. That's not serving you well and it never will. Anger is an emotion that motivates us to change, but you're not doing anything with it; you're just sitting with it and letting it pile up. It sounds like it's already negatively affecting your life, and one day it's going to bite you in the ass.

Alan and Sam didn't do all this. Yeah, they spread rumors about you. I sincerely mean it when I say that really sucks, because it does. But this is adolescence. People aren't exactly at their best, and they do stupid and mean things. It's fine to acknowledge that, and perfectly understandable to be hurt by it, but you can't cling to it. The fact that you cling to it, day in and day out, is what the problem is.

You made the choice to withdraw from everyone. After years of pent up anger, I imagine it's even harder for you to make friends than ever before. I mean, look at what you wrote. REALLY look at it. You spent all of it insulting people, some of who probably had your best interest at heart, and you even talk about beating up a group of kids. That is never acceptable, no matter what. That's not exactly an attitude that makes people want to get close to you.

My suggestion is to let your resentment towards Alan and Sam go. It's doing nothing to help you and only serves to exacerbate the problem. You're making yourself miserable and it's causing you to alienate people because it's hard to be open to friendships when you half expect everyone to screw you over. I also suggest you stop taking such an antagonistic and pessimistic view of the world and relationships in general, and maybe stop insulting everyone who doesn't treat you exactly the way you want to. When a bunch of people say the same thing about you there is often a kernel of truth in it. Perhaps you could reassess your image and the attitude you put out to make people think you're egotistical and arrogant.

I believe you can learn to have trust for people again, but you can't complain the problem is all on other people. Don't play the victim and take some responsibility for how you treat people and I believe you can start to be able to form positive relationships with people.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 19th 2017, 09:28 AM

Thank you for writing.

Very interesting story. Very well articulated.

Sounds a bit like my own story.

I'm learning in hindsight, this seems to be common among those of us who naturally achieve well academically. We're so smart academically, and somewhat deficient in our social skills. (It's like that was the trade off. You don't get something for nothing.)

And unfortunately school doesn't teach social skills. We're just supposed to magically pick up on these things. The "street smart" people who don't do well academically are very skilled socially.

Fortunately college was much better for me. Much brighter people I was surrounded with, and much nicer too.

But that's in the future. For now, you had a teacher who noticed you were a bit introverted, doesn't talk much, doesn't socialize much. She notices it, but she doesn't understand it, and so it all goes downhill from there, because without knowledge and understanding, anything one tries to do to improve things will probably just make it worse. She's trying to do some "social engineering" by placing students where they sit, placing students next to each other. But if she doesn't have a good grasp of personality types and how they interact, and if she's not "street smart" and just intuitively senses who's going to get along well with each other, then the result is probably just as good as random chance.

Anyway if you want to learn, as I see you are seeking books to read that may be helpful, I'll suggest a few that have been helpful to me. The first is Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. This is a phenomenal book, the seminal work on the subject, explaining the four basic personality types, and how they are fundamentally different. This has given me great insight into other people and why they are different from me, (I have one of the rare personality types). It also gave me great insight into myself, once I figured out which personality type I identified with. (Don't put too much weight on the questionnaire at the beginning of the book. It may help guide you to the general area, but it's not the definitive result. You read the different personality descriptions and figure out which one you identify with. It took me quite a long time to assimilate the concepts that other people actually think in fundamentally different ways, and are motivated by fundamentally different things. They aren't all just carbon copies of myself. (By the way, the "II" in the title just means 2nd expanded edition. It's not a sequel.)

Another book that is a very fast quick read but well worth it is titled "Human Be-ing" by
William Pietsch. (Originally published in 1975).

For further on the four temperament types, there's a book titled, "Presidential Temperaments", which gives an analysis of all the presidents and their temperaments. (Who else is better documented than American presidents? Thus it's a good place to find characters to analyze.)

Let's see, I've read quite a lot of books. Those are the ones that come to mind offhand.

The rest of my suggestions worked for me but aren't necessarily helpful for everyone. I studied Body Language, learned how to better read other people and their non-verbal cues. (Also became more aware of my own body language, what it was saying to others.) Studied "Flirting", which is using body language to communicate. (Women do this a lot, and men are supposed to notice, but they often don't. Women want men to make the first move, so they make the first move by using body language flirting, so it's actually the woman who makes the first move, but the men are supposed to notice and respond. Many don't notice. Like if a woman didn't put it into words, then I completely missed it and didn't even know something was going on!)

Suggestion, which isn't easy, is find some social activity to engage in, as in sports (academically inclined students like myself often don't care for sports. But sports brings people together, gets them interacting with one another, opens opportunities for forming friendships, meeting other people, etc.) There's other group activities besides sports. Yoga. (Is yoga a sport?) Church (if you can find one that you feel fits you. There's non-Christian, even non-religious but spiritual churches around. Even Christianity has so many flavors, from "God is a mean taskmaster who will smite you unless you obey" to "God is a nurturing, loving, caring entity and he's on your side and he wants you to do well." (except he's not Santa Claus so he doesn't give us things just because we pray for them like Santa does.)

Umm, I could say "Wait for college." But that's no help.

Mindfulness, and/or Meditation (they may be the same thing, I'm not sure) can help reduce stress, promote calm. Research "Parasympathetic Nervous System" and how to activate that. I think that's the secret behind all this Meditation stuff. If we can activate our body's PNS system it leads to better health, both mental and physical. Good thing to learn. (Especially for academic achievers!) There are apps one can download. Guided meditations. (e.g. "Headspace", see short intro videos at beginning of lessons 3,5,7,9). Oh, this can also help heal trust issues. It's a mind exercise thing. Learn to focus all attention on the present moment, release thoughts, give that part of the brain a rest. (I forget which part it is, but the neuroscientist who wrote a book said it was important to give that part of the brain a rest, and this is how it can be done. It also eventually alters the brain and one actually becomes a more calm, relaxed, better focused person. Benefits all around!)

OK Best wishes!
(Oh, and get a good night sleep. I have trouble sleeping. There's a link between high academic achievers and sleep disorder problems.)

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Question Re: BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 19th 2017, 11:12 AM

First of all, i would like to thank you for being so considerate and thoughtful. I really appreciate the help!
1.So, i should stop playing the victim and let all the anger towards alan and sam go. - will do!
2. You're right! it was me who made the choice to to withdraw from everyone because i didn't want to get hurt again.
3. But, i did not insult anyone who did not deserve it. YES! i admit that i was angry and beating up the group of kids(even though they were bullies) was not the right thing to do, but those two teachers had it coming, they never meant any good because if they did, they would have asked me such questions privately(with at least a hint of concern) and not just start bashing me in front of the whole class. Our class teacher in 10th grade was a really kind and benevolent lady and i never ever! behaved badly with her (in fact, i'm still in contact with her). it was the history teacher (who by the way once clearly stated in front of the whole class that she never liked "nerds like me who kept to themselves") to whom i said stuff like mind your own business, you're just a teacher stop intruding in my personal space, etc. she had it coming, she was very blunt and harsh with me all the times so i was very frustrated at the unjust treatment. i even tried to confront her about this once after class and told her that i did not like her behavior with me but she just laughed it off and strolled off. and i was just a 14 year old kid at the time, how do you expect a 14 year old to deal with such things properly when he's already going through so much - please tell me how you would have handled it.???

4. I get what you're saying and i will start taking responsibility for myself and stop blaming others.
THANKS ONCE AGAIN!!! i just needed to tell this to someone but i was just too skeptical and dubious of others, thinking that they might betray me just like the previous ones did, and then spice up my story and tell them to everybody around. do you think i can remain an introvert and solve the trust issues or do i need to change myself and be more outgoing???

Last edited by An_Elusive_Lad; October 19th 2017 at 02:31 PM.
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Re: BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 19th 2017, 04:27 PM

Thank you for the help! I really appreciate the effort you put in to expand on the suggestions that you made, especially the ones regarding the books.

I've got the PDF of "Please understand me ii" (i prefer physical books more but the library is far away so i wasn't able to go) so i'll start reading it as soon as possible. Please do tell me which one of the personality type you have ? (just curious!)

Question : Is there any book in specific which you would like to recommend if i want to study body language ?

I know why college experience is usually better for people like us. It's because guys at the college level are not as immature and stupid as your regular 8th, 9th and 10th graders. They usually don't spread rumors, bully others, etc - activities which you will find very common among students from 8th-10th grade. I know some college going guys and they're pretty decent-both in intellect and behavior. In college, we are not alienated and called 'NERDS'. I guess, Intellect is actually valued.

As for sports… well, I already said I have been obsessively playing basketball and boxing ever since 2014, but they have not been helpful in improving my social skills. Instead, the scenario is almost contradictory to the orthodox notion that sports help in socializing. I’ll tell you how…
Right now, I’m more involved in playing basketball (I only go to the boxing gym sometimes, when I feel like kicking some ass!). I regularly go for practice in the school. Now if you know about basketball, then it’s very common knowledge that there are different types of players : some like to pass more, some are good facilitators, some players set good screens while the others get good rebounds, some are good scorers, etc. I’m more of an iso player(which means I rarely pass the ball to other guys and my sole objective is scoring), almost identical to Kobe Bryant(he’s far more skilled than me though). Right now I’m 6ft 6 and weigh 92 kgs, very agile and fast, and I’m able to do all types of dunks viz. 360, windmill, double windmill, etc. My peers are usually jealous because of all this. So a regular practice day looks like this:

After warming up and doing all the basic drills we usually play 5 on 5 full court practice match.

1) So as soon as I have the ball in my hand, I get right into the zone(simply means staying focused on playing and scoring and not getting distracted by anything). I’m dribbling the ball, going towards the basket. A player tries to guard me but because of my agility I easily go right past him.

2) The other opponents notice this and then try to double-team me(which is basically two guys guarding one guy). As soon as they double team me(I can hear my team mates yelling, asking me to pass the ball to them), I stop dribbling, turn around and shoot my fadeaway jumper. Swoosh…… I score.

3) I turn back and see the faces of the of the team mates who were asking me to pass the ball to them(when I was double teamed) with disappointment spread wide across their faces. Others are smiling at the display of my “beyond my years” abilities and look happy but because I’m usually very intense and solely focused on winning while playing so I never smile to anyone. They see this as a sign of being rude and don’t talk to me.

4) That’s how sports has never really helped me in socializing. There was a time when I wanted to play in the NBA when I grew up. But, then I got to know how things really work. It doesn’t matter if you’re very good or physically gifted as a player, if you’re drafted to a team with a crappy roster then you can forget about winning any championships. Lebron james (highly regarded as one of the best physically gifted athletes) was not able to win any championships on his own because the Cleveland roster at that time really sucked. He later went to Miami to win his first championship because he had other star players with him(Dwayne wade, chris bosh). The same is the case with Allen Iverson (Philadelphia 76ers was trash without him) and Tracy Mcgrady and all the others. So, I quit dreaming about having a career as an athlete.

I guess yoga will be helpful. I’ll definitely try it!
Last but not the least, you said that what happened with me sounded a bit like what happened to you(which actually made me curious). If you don’t mind, I’m really interested to know about what happened to you ?
Thanks for the wishes!
And yes you are right about the sleeping deficiency, I actually choose not to sleep that much(I usually sleep for 5-6 hours). Most of the times I’m reading novels at night or watchinganime(since I’m an OTAKU). I actually tried sleeping early and getting a full 8 hour sleep but soon realized that I was simply not able to do it: I’ll describe it in third person.
Goes to bed at 9 P.M… closes eyes and tries to sleep but thoughts just keep coming to his mind and he just can’t sleep. For the next two hours, he keeps trying to sleep but fails.
At 11 P.M… I’m not getting anywhere with this… picks up a novel, let’s say 1984 by George Orwell and keeps reading it for the next two hours.
At 1 A.M… I’m feeling really sleepy, I guess I should sleep now… goes to sleep.
That’s what happened with me. Sleeping is just not the thing for me so I try to get small 30 minute naps during the day and it works for me.

Last edited by An_Elusive_Lad; October 19th 2017 at 06:10 PM.
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Re: BETRAYAL! One After Another! - October 20th 2017, 03:28 PM

A book I like is:

Body Language : How to Read Other's Thoughts By Their Gestures
Allan Pease (1984)
Short, concise, with many useful illustrations (152 pages).
There are 23 formats and editions of this book, from 1984 - 1997
[There's also a 2005 book by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease titled The Definitive Book of Body Language which may be a greatly expanded version at 416 pages. This newer book has 20 formats and editions, from 2004 - 2008.]

My personality is the rare INTP. I'm the "NT Rational", the "Knowledge Seeker", endlessly reading books, seeking knowledge, figuring out the world. The "NT Rational" type is only 5% of the population. The INTP subtype is less than 1% of the population. Other people really do have a different personality type than me!

Interesting you're both academically gifted and a sports enthusiast. That's a wonderful combination! I'm envious!
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