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Komorebi_Sisu Offline
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Basically - November 29th 2017, 01:37 PM

My sisters and I were talking about tattoos. One said they decided they'd never get one. I then said I would get one-a paw print on my heart <3

My other sister was like, you realize a tattoo like that eoild be on your breast.

We playfully argued because I always thought my heart was more on my chest area.

This is because I can never hear my heart beating. Even after a panic attack or anxiety or even running really fast, my neck would get a thumping pulse but my heart wouldn't make a sound. My uncle used to put his ear by my chest to try to hear a beat and he couldn't ever hear anything and he would say "you probably don't even have a heart"

So then we talked about how j had a congenital heart defect. My older sister said I also had a heart murmur.

I then asked if I should ever check out my heart to see if there were complications. My older sister told me I got it treated. And I also had underdeveloped kidney and liver and lungs but they healed. So yeah


Then I go to my room and my curious brain looks up treatment for congenital heart defect. Depending on the severity there's heart surgery and there's catheter and there's both. Until the early 90s there was only surgery as an option. I was born in 1994 and out of the USA.
Okay so I was about to go to sleep so I texted my sister and asked her if she knows whether I had surgery, a catheter or both?
She said she definitely remembers I had catheter.

Well I'm glad she remembers. But it is also weird because she is only 5 years older than me and she remembers me bring in an incubator and many things.

But my father doesn't know details like that
He only knows details having to do with glorifying himself such as how he chose my name because my mother's choices sucked =_=

I've had serious birth complications and I wish i knew more about it. For all I know, I might be had a surgery that only my mother knew about. She was a bit secretive anyway. But my older sister were told things that my father should've known. And it is both amazing and disturbing that she knew details like that. She was just a child. But my father was an adult and he didn't care to be involved

Also my mother was alone throughout her pregnancy with me. My father and older sister were in a different country. She apparently wrote letters to her brother about it. But my father is still angry that she was supposed to call real estate agents and find an apartment in a foreign country, but that she had SO much support because she had her sister she was living with. But I also know she and her sister had argued a lot. And now my dad says maybe that's why I am argumentative now. Uhm...lol?
My father and older sister came back the night I was born. They were pretty much on vacation for 9 months, in my father's hometown.

There are things about my life that my mother had taken to her grave and I hate that feeling
What if I was a twin but she miscarried? What if I am really switched at birh? I know those are weird things but she isn't there to tell the tale so anything is possible.
But on a more serious note, I don't know the full details of my birth complications and how it may affect me now. My own medical history is super fragmented. Also because I grew up medically neglected (note how I'm not blaming any individual but for whatever reason, my medical needs were not met and I was a sick child and I suffered and no one gave me the proper emotional care relating to my health problems and it is just painful to remember. My health problems were not always severe, but even for the less severe things, I suffered emotionally ie: being forced to attend school instead of getting rest or see a doctor. Or bring humiliated and degraded for vomiting) But also my issues were overlooked and not taken seriously despite that I've had severe digestive problems as a baby and child as well as the fact that I had a procedure done and no one followed up. No one cared that I had trouble learning either. Again, my mother suspected a learning issue and my older sister was aware but she was a child. And my father was just unavailable and probably not so interested. Because if he wanted to find out he will. He kind of decided that women are naturally better at child raising that he didn't have anything to add. Even now, he tried to make me into a parent to my sisters so a female person can do the "women's work"

This is all to say that small discoveries like this, make me burst with emotions. It is frustrating that my history, my memory, my identity are so fragmented and it is devastating that I am going through this alone and isolated, trying to put the pieces together and rely on my older sister, meaning a 5 year old's memory that was carried for 23 years (she is 28 now)


Komorebi
This is the word the Japanese have for when sunlight filters through the trees - the interplay between the light and the leaves.

Sisu is extraordinary courage and determination in the face of adversity. Itís about not seeing a silver lining in the clouds, and yet jumping into the storm anyways.


Last edited by Komorebi_Sisu; November 29th 2017 at 02:08 PM.
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Basically - November 30th 2017, 07:23 PM

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to not know much about your past, seeing as your dad was uninvolved and you have to rely on your sister's, who was a child at the time, memory.

It must feel isolating for you trying to figure out things from the past that you don't know but your sister might be aware of. It's surprising how much we might rely on the past at times. But, in terms of medical history, you can explore what treatment you might have had with a doctor. And while you might not know a whole lot about your past, it can help to keep in mind that our past doesn't necessarily dictate the future.

But in the meantime, it's okay to feel upset or frustrated about things about yourself that you don't know or weren't aware of because of your family's situation.


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Re: Basically - December 1st 2017, 01:09 AM

Thank you Holly. <3
Sometimes I feel ashamed that I have so much health anxiety but at the same time I have medical anxiety, which can cone into tension wit eaxh othe because i get scared about bring sick but im scared to bw in medical still. So im left freaking out in my head but take so long to decide to check for an issue. Best of both worlds, eh?

Also having a fragmented history bothers me because it goes hand in hand with having a fragmented identity and memory and also having a fragmented sense of the future. I feel like I am disconnected from my past as well as my future and I don't have a grasp of the bigger picture. It is like I'm too zoomed in on surviving moment to moment that I feel helpless. I know with mindfulness we learn to stay in the present but sometimes hoping for the future is important and i feel stunted in my ability to free flow daydream or envision life or imagine big dreams. I feel like I slightly had it in me and I was trying to hold onto it and develop it more but instead it left my grasp and now I'm just too alienated.

It is hard to explain but that's what it is at the moment. So it became a sort of obsessive thing for me. I end up ruminating. And I'm compelled to write every little thing down when I can remember it before I get the losing my train of thoughts sensation. Or if I don't have pen and paper on hand I either text myself or try to go back and track my thoughts and how it came to my most current thought.


Komorebi
This is the word the Japanese have for when sunlight filters through the trees - the interplay between the light and the leaves.

Sisu is extraordinary courage and determination in the face of adversity. Itís about not seeing a silver lining in the clouds, and yet jumping into the storm anyways.

   
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Re: Basically - December 7th 2017, 10:00 AM

Hello!

I think it must be quite a painful feeling.. thinking bout you and wondering about your origins and who you really are in the family tree.. and ll that. Part of you wonders what's going to be: Part of you wonders if you're who you think you are.. and part of you is also kinda afraid to find out bout you because you're afraid that you might not be able to accept who you are without hating yourself. But your choices lead you to being who you are: it's not what other people decide for you that determines who you are: It' s what you do which determines who you are as a person. Of course... its interesting to wonder bout who we might be , but when it comes down to it.. we're all human. But your worries are very real especially for those people who don't know what we are or our origins.

What determines who you are is what you do now, with your days and time.. make it a good start and don't look back. You might be in conflict with how things were, but don't let it ruin your days.. there's a lot of days to come.. they are plenty indeed.. so spend it chasing your dreams.

Perhaps you should also ask yourself... what do you want to be? How do you want things to be this very same day.. next year ? And the year ahead?

Maybe you should let these questions shape your actions because it is what you will do with your time now that determines what you'll be later... Truth is that I don't really know too much bout my origins too except for the fact that I was overprotected. But at the same time... I guess I'm controlling how things are now. If you can regain that viewpoint that you're in control of things, you will be able to enjoy your days and change things for the better. For now.. you're in conflict with the fact that you might not be able to learn much bout yourself.

Here's hoping that my words gave ya some pointers and guidance : But truthfully I hope that my advice is okay.. forgive me if I said anything bad

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren


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