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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Elle_94 Offline
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Unhappy I'm sick of my life. I just want to give up. - January 21st 2018, 05:02 PM

Hi,

So I know I've posted about this before but I just feel I have nowhere else I can turn.

I'm 19 and a student. I'm currently studying English and Linguistics at University. I like my course, but I'm at a really rubbish University. I did very well in my GCSEs. I'd hoped to get straight As or at least ABB at A level and go to a top 20 UK University. As I'd done well at GCSE and it was also what my sister had done, It was also what my family, friends and teachers had expected for me. But it didn't happen. Everyone was disappointed in me and laughed at me because of it. I got two Bs and a D in the end, and have been forced to go to a bottom twenty university to study because of my failure at A level. I let myself down and I let everyone else down too. I feel like such a failure and an embarassment to myself. The worst thing is that it's not a failure I can ever come back from. Those dreadful results have pushed me into going to a rubbish university, where there's no opportunities other than just getting a degree and I know employers won't take me as seriously as other candidates because of the university I attended, so I've had to change my career plans. I hate myself for it. I hate being so dumb and stupid. My sister also frequently puts down the university that I go to, and says it's bad and that she'd never have gone there and that it's just for dumb people who can't get into a proper university. It hurts because I look up to my sister and value her opinion. So hearing her put me down is a real blow, and it doesn't help to know that it's sort of true.

I also feel there is nothing interesting about me. I have no real hobbies other than listening to music and watching tv. I play drums and bake a bit but I'm pretty rubbish at both. I make scrap books but I know really that it's just babyish. I'd like to travel but I'm too anxious about using up my money to go for it. I'm just so dull. I don't have any friends either and I'm very lonely. But I can't blame people. I wouldn't hang out with me if I were someone else.

It's not even like I have good looks to fall back on. I guess my face is okay but my hair always looks a mess and I have very chubby cheeks and a bit of fat around my chin which just spoils my sort of nice mouth and nose. My eyes are too small and always have circles under them. My teeth are bit yellow and my body is generally just ugly and chunky and flabby. My breasts sag like an old granny even though I'm only 19. I have stretch marks and unsightly cellulite too.

My personality isn't great either. I try to be thoughtful and generous and kind but I talk too much, get on people's nerves, I can be difficult and sometimes I snap when I'm really emotional.

I want to work on liking myself a bit more and gaining self esteem. I've been trying for years to be something different, to be the kind of person I want to be, but I've started to realise that ultimately, I can try to appear to be something I'm not but I'll always be all the same on the inside. I can't change who I am. But how can I like myself when there's literally nothing about me to like? Where do I begin?

Thank you in advance.
I'm sorry for the long post.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: I'm sick of my life. I just want to give up. - January 23rd 2018, 07:14 PM

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. You aren't stupid at all, even if A-Levels didn't go to plan and you didn't get into the university you had hoped to. But you didn't let anyone down, or yourself. You did well in your exams and got into university...maybe try to see the positive side? Also, many employers don't take into consideration what university you went to. They care more about what you learned and the work experience that you gained. If you wanted to, you could always look into doing a postgrad or masters course in another university if you were interested in pursuing your passion. As for your sister, even though you look up to her, she is hurting you, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. You worked hard, and unfortunately, things didn't go to plan. But that doesn't make you stupid, or the university only for dumb people. When people make negative comments like that it's either out of jealousy or to make themselves feel better. Try ignoring your sisters comments and focusing on yourself. As for changing career plans, is it possible to continue with what you originally wanted to do (regardless of the ranking of the university)?

I notice you use a lot of negative self-talk. You say that you have no hobbies, and then go on to talk negatively about the ones you do have. Maybe you can challenge this type of thinking? Maybe you aren't the best at drums or baking, but you enjoy it, and that's all that matters. Same with scrapbooking- it's actually a really nice hobby, and some people may not think much of it, but as long as you enjoy it, then it doesn't matter what others think. Travelling can be fun but it's understandable that you may feel anxious. Maybe you can start with short trips by yourself? Perhaps look up nearby places that might be of interest and plan how to get there. It can help to build up confidence going on small trips first.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have friends. It must be lonely for you. Emotions can be difficult to handle, but I'm sure that you don't get on people's nerves (another negative thought?) And it sounds like you do make an effort to be thoughtful and generous, and I'm sure that when others get to know you, they will realise this. Are there any clubs or unions you can join at your university? Or volunteering opportunities? It can be good to get involved with things, and you never know, you can make friends along the way!

It is good trying to accept yourself for you are and like yourself. You can always learn and grow, but it's also good to accept yourself for you are. And part of that would be challenging negative thoughts and focusing on the positives. For example, you list a lot of what you don't like about your body, but what about the aspects you do like? Try focusing on the positives, whether that's your hair, or your personality- being thoughtful and generous etc., and spend less time thinking about the negatives. Over time, you will come to accept yourself, and you won't notice your flaws so much. You may also want to think about counselling for low self-esteem. Perhaps try looking into counselling services that your university might offer for students. Counselling can provide with you a space to talk about things, and develop tools to help you deal with your thoughts and emotions.

Remember, we are often our harshest critics and you deserve to feel more positive about yourself!


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Last edited by Celyn; January 24th 2018 at 11:50 AM.
   
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Re: I'm sick of my life. I just want to give up. - January 25th 2018, 09:56 PM

Just wanted to say thank you for your advice and support, Holly. It's hard when you don't have any one to talk to so thanks for responding.

You're right about my A level results. I know they weren't what I wanted but I do need to focus more on the fact that I still passed and still got into university more. Perhaps the Russel group just wasn't for me, and hopefully getting a good class of degree (I'm doing everything I can to make sure that happens!) and the various jobs I've done alongside uni will mean employers can look past the fact I didn't go to a top class uni. I do need to just try to have a more positive outlook on the situation.

I've decided to try and put my sister's thoughts out of my mind. It's difficult because I really admire her but I guess she did her thing and I'm doing mine. If she says it again, I'm going to try and just confront her by telling her she's entitled to her opinion but that I'd appreciate it if she kept it to herself in future because it's not the nicest thing to say to someone.

You are right about the negative self talk too. I talk to myself in a way I wouldn't dream of talking to other people. I've looked into ways to challenge it and I'm going to try and counter act each negative thought/comment with two positive ones. I've also taken your advice about travelling and booked a little trip to Dartmoor for myself. It's not far away but an area I've always wanted to explore. A starting point, if you like!

It's hard not having friends, it really is. I'd like to join a club or class but its very difficult as I struggle to talk to people. I can never really get a conversation going and I can never seem to find the right topic. But I'll try more with talking to people in lectures and perhaps just ask anyone I seem to get on with okay what they're doing after class to see if I can tag along if they're going for coffee or drinks or anything.

I'll try and find something I like about my body to focus on also.

I'm kind of scared to go to counselling. I'm nervous about what they might say to me and I think I'd find it hard to be truthful and open with a stranger as I'm so guarded. But I'll certainly consider it. I think perhaps it's what I need.

But thanks once again for your answer and advice. It's been a huge help.

Elle
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: I'm sick of my life. I just want to give up. - January 26th 2018, 07:44 PM

I'm glad I could help a bit!

It can be helpful to focus more on the positives. It's also good to hear that you want to confront your sister and ask her to keep her thoughts to herself. Of course, she is entitled to her opinion, but if it's hurting you, then it's good to ask her to stop saying such things.

Love how you are going to challenge your negatives thoughts and it's amazing you've booked a trip to Dartmoor for yourself. That sounds like a good starting point!

I'm glad to hear that you'll have a think about counselling. It can be a bit of a challenge opening up, but it can be quite freeing too. Generally, counsellors won't judge you and they'll only ask questions to help explore how you think and feel about things. You may be given 'homework' to do outside of counselling, which can be similar to what you are already planning to do here- challenging thoughts, focusing on positives, challenging yourself to go a little out of your comfort zone etc.

Glad I could be of help


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